Hide and Go Seek with My Bedroom

Guys!!!

And when I say guys, I pretty much use it in a very gender neutral way… I don’t know why. Maybe it is the patriarchy making me use guys in that way… Or maybe I am so feminist that guys can mean anyone regardless of their identity on the gender spectrum.

Either way, let’s get back to my point… I am taking a decluttering plunge. My bedroom is a motherfucking disaster… Or fatherfucking, if you prefer…

This is the current state. A disaster. And me… Also a disaster, but my shirt is fan-fucking-tastic. I hope the face also conveys the level of, “What the hell did I get myself into?” That I am currently experiencing.

For the record, yes, I still have a fall themed garland up above. I could change it but a full-time job seems to enjoy being a succubus for all my energy and internal motivation. Succubus is the one I want, right? Correct me in the commenting thingy if I am a liar on that, haha.

If it chooses to be a brat and doesn’t upload the photo, then I apologize because you are truly missing out on photographic mediocrity.

Today, I spent about $110 for new lighting and new vanity organizers. I may have bought something else, but my memory is escaping me on it. I’m choosing a lot of black, gray, blue, pink, and metal tones. I’m also hoping to add in some dark and gray wood tones to the palette… Most importantly, though, I do not think I need to change my paint color, and that makes me VERY happy.

I love to paint. I just don’t love having to relocate all my shit while I am doing it in a house with 5 other humans and 5 animals.

So wish me luck people, and I will try to keep you updated as I go about this. It is definitely going to be a lot of weekender work for me!

Until next time,

Kels

I want to be fully honest about all my feelings. Sometimes I wish he would call or text, say he was sorry he was a dick. Tell me he did care and that it still bothers him that he shredded our closeness over rumors.

I do still love him and I miss the good about him. Of course, I’m still so sure of the fact that he is an asshole and he hurts me. I’m not delusional, after all. But sometimes, I do wish for that conversation I know I will never get because he would have to grow up. And that is something that I don’t think he is capable of doing.

I also found out I might have to throw myself out into the job hunting market again. While the words, “we’re not hiring permanent employees” never left the lips of the manager, I did hear the phrase, “We are at a good permanent to temp ratio.” To me, that is the same as, “We aren’t hiring.”

The beauty is that this job has given me the confidence to realize that while I might not be the fastest person, I am a very competent person. I absorb new information like a sponge and take pride in doing my job well, no matter what it is. So I am going to find a job that wants to nurture that fucking gift.

Also, I am not sure what is going with me and the man, but I really am starting to get the sense that we are about to steer towards an ending.

He is the “typical man who wants to give advice” all the time. And advice can be good… But it can also be really fucking insulting when you aren’t asking for it. For instance, when I am trying to tell him a story about my uncle calling the most recent mass shooting a “hoax,” this guy asks why I have to contradict him by questioning my uncle’s opinion. I tell him how uncle comments on an article I posted on Facebook and he then asks if it’s my article… Which is the exact way he gets when he is about to tell me what he would’ve done…

I finally told him I want to be trusted to do my own thing and not have to get unsolicited advice all the time. As nicely as I could, which in Kelsey speak means I didn’t swear, haha. Well, I probably did once or twice, but that’s a fucking accomplishment in Kelsey speak.

Well, he hasn’t said a word since, which means he probably doesn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry, I never thought of it that way because I don’t mean it that way,” would’ve been a great start though. And I’d respect that. Seriously. But I am not going to ignore things that bother the hell out of me for the sake of peace. I’m too old for that shit and the ripe young age of 32… 🙂

Really though, these are small bumps in the road. I can live with this shit. I can move on and change them if necessary. It doesn’t scare me anymore. If anything, I’m hungry for the new adventure to see exactly what I can get out of this life.

So I will keep you all posted as life continues along this path.

Kels

Thoughts At 2 A.M.

I am proud of the things I have changed in the past year. I really, really am.

I thought I could never thrive in a workplace that wasn’t retail. Here I am, doing order picking and packing. Am I perfect at it? No. But I can manage to make the top 10 of order pickers almost every day and the top 5 at least once a week. I have only been doing this September… And I have made it this far.

I thought my life was in collapse without him. I really, really did. Yet, here I am, still standing, still working, still trying. He didn’t destroy me.

He made me better for hurting me. I liked the me that existed before him. She was ready for adventure and excitement. She wasn’t as scared.

But I am different than her. I am still hardened, perhaps in a good way. Yet the heart is there.

I think about my cousin once in a while. Mostly when I think about what my next adventure should be. I don’t want to take advantage of the fact that I’m still here. Life can be so fucking hard, but it is so damn precious.

I think I will leave it there.

Until the next time,

Kels

Getting It All Together

Hello,

Yes, I keep disappearing. I think I am FINALLY adjusting to this whole second shift schedule. It’s kind of weird. In a way, I like it, because I don’t have to get up immediately and get ready for work.

Of course, I’m not freakin’ getting out of bed until noon. Oops. Haha.

Anyway, I’m slowly getting back into the notion that I want to work on my health in all aspects. I want to get me back. Because me before Luke was great.

God, that’s the first time I put his name here. I didn’t call him “ex-friend.” Luke. There’s a lot of them so it’s not like you can hunt him down based on that little tidbit.

At moments, his name still feels easy rolling off my tongue. Something about it always felt so comfortable and natural. I’ve known other Lukes in the past, and I will say the same thing. The name just feels good rolling off my tongue.

Maybe that’s why I held on to him so fucking hard. Because it felt like it was supposed to work. Like I was supposed to be the woman that saved him. I wasn’t. He wouldn’t let me, and try as I might, I couldn’t and shouldn’t have tried to make him let me in.

This week, they played the sort of 80s/90s hybrid station at work. So it was a lot of the shit I heard on the radio growing up. Tears for Fears kept playing. In particular, a song he loves: Head Over Heels.

The fortunate thing about my job is it has a good amount of alone time. A brief desire to cry swept over me. I didn’t, though, because I realized I was done feeling sorry for me and for him. I think they call that “acceptance.”

My mourning phase is done and I don’t wish ill on him. I think part of me will always love him. But I’m cognizant of the fact that I deserve much better than him.

I don’t deserve a narcissist who won’t let go of his internal self-loathing. I can’t love someone hard enough if he cannot find any part of himself to love on his own.

I have to thank him though. If it weren’t for our falling out, and my desperate low, I wouldn’t have found the strength to go, “You know what? I need to leave.”

I would have stuck to that same dead end job and continued to try to drive myself crazy to be the woman he could love. My life never would have moved forward and I would’ve been trapped in this downward spiral.

I wouldn’t have spent hours listening to videos about core confidence and building myself up. I wouldn’t be redeveloping myself as a complex human being with many interests and hobbies. I wouldn’t have goals and dreams and aspirations that didn’t somehow revolve around winning him over.

I turn 32 on the 26th of this month. I’ve decided to create 32 goals to celebrate me. They revolve around helping me rediscover the woman I know and love, that deserves to be known and loved.

I’m back bitches.

Kels

I’m Baack!!

Hi guys,

Yeah, I sort of disappeared for a few days… Maybe over a week. I could check but eh. Either way, I was gone, and I apologize for sort of just dropping off without an explanation.

Here’s what’s been happening. I finished off at the first job that pays the bills. My last day was August 26th. I nearly cried because I do sort of miss it. However, I don’t regret running away. Having to be around such a toxic person on a regular basis would have destroyed me. It already was to an extent.

I went to visit man that may be future boyfriend. Ultimately, I broke down to him and began to feel everything I was trying not to hold back. The betrayal of losing my best friend, the cold and narcissistic prick that I trusted with every bit of my poor, fragile heart.

The funny thing is that because of that conversation, I do realize that it is ok for me to think that I deserved better. Because I fucking did. And he was selfish and arrogant and truly abusive. Not verging on it… fucking full course emotionally abusive. I’m not his apologist anymore. I’m not his defender. He needs to become a man on his own.

I couldn’t save him, and that sucks.

So now I’m free, and honestly, it feels good. I’m currently enjoying an actual three day weekend without having to work every single day. I start working full-time at the new job that pays the bills on Tuesday. Apparently overtime is very normal, so I can expect to be putting in a lot of hours, especially as the holidays are approaching.

In fantastic news for my finances, I am now sitting on a little over $500 less in debt. $506.37 less to be exact. That’s right. The pendulum is starting to swing back. Also, on Friday, I paid off one credit card, freeing up $27 a month, since I believe that was the minimum I had to pay on that card.

Also, yesterday, I was able to actually use my debit card to pay for over half my groceries. Yes, over half, which means I am actually figuring out how to use my money as I have it rather than tacking on more to have to pay off in interest.

Possible future boyfriend has really been helpful in my life. He is trying to help me focus on what can make me happy, on making my life less drama and more of the life I want to have. Maybe one day I will be able to appropriately thank him for the way he is helping me out.

Maybe I’m finally getting the shit I deserve out of life. Who fucking knew.

Kels

Veiled Eclipse and Nerves

The solar eclipse was kind of a bust where I live. We sort of had a chance to see it, but the cloud cover kept it covered for a good portion of time. Needless to say, it was sadly a bit underwhelming. 

I am continuing on my ignore my ex-friend rampage. He threw a temper tantrum at work today, and the supervisor called him out for his really bad attitude. I’m glad someone did, because no matter how damaged a person is, they do not need to act with such minimal maturity. 

I’m also still waiting on becoming full time. It’s making me nervous that I still haven’t heard anything and I’m hoping to switch over by next week. What if I jumped the gun and now I’m about to be back in a paycheck bind?

Sure, it might not be too hard for me to find another part-time job. Or hell, maybe with all this free time, I can manage to find a full time job I will enjoy. I was really hoping to have this all settled by now. 

Hopeful future boyfriend keeps telling me to not get upset, that things will work out fine and I will soon regret being so worked up about this. I hope he’s right because I would love it if life could throw me some good shit.

After the debacle I threw myself in with my ex-friend, I could really use some easy, beautiful life.

Kels

Songs That Heal a Broken Heart

I’m currently listening to the song “Weightless” by Marconi Union. Apparently, it is supposed to reduce anxiety. We shall see about that.

My cousin is officially at the end of the line. He apparently is no longer conscious and it is likely a matter of days before he passes away. It sucks. 

Meanwhile, people like my ex-friend, my father, my hopeful future boyfriend’s father, and neo-Nazis get to continue living their vile, hate driven existences. Fuck them. They don’t deserve the oxygen my cousin won’t get to breathe soon. 

Yeah, I’m a bit less optimistic and more angry today. It happens and it’s likely time I got this shit out anyway. Anger only becomes a festering wound if you let it sit for too long. 

My dad thinks his welding helmet will be good enough to view the solar eclipse. He also thinks people are stupid to be excited about the eclipse. I must be one of those stupid people. I kind of hope he goes blind looking at the sun because I’m that tired of his attitude and bullshit. 

Once again, doesn’t deserve oxygen.

I want so bad to not have to live here anymore. It will be so good for me. I know it. 

It is helping a little. I don’t feel amazingly better but I do feel better. 

Kels

What a Month and It Is Almost Halfway Through

I cannot believe August is almost half over. It feels like this month is flying by.

Of course, a lot of shit has happened to me this month, like ex-friend deciding to block me, getting back into contact with an old flame, changing jobs, working on switching out my bank accounts. August 2017 has been a month of changes, and I’m sort of grateful for that. They’re all good things for me and life is feeling like it is truly heading in a positive direction.

I do wonder how much of my pain had to do with my ex-friend. The promises he made in the beginning, the way he talked about all the things we should do together. The things I was willing to learn for him…

I thought I could take back the fact that he was abusive. But I can’t. He was.

People outside of the two of us knew how damaged I was getting. They could see it. They could tell when things went wrong between us. And every time I’ve been told that he will never be good enough for me. That he was crazy to leave a woman that would make him better.

I would have made him better. They’re right. I was willing to do anything to help him.

Did I ever get that in return? No. I got the cold shoulder. I got the narcissist who would only do enough to try to keep me around. Like he knew I would build him up if he just gave enough to make me hopeful. I became an addict to that feeling, and thus, began to act the same way an addict does.

Neurotic. Paranoid. Jealous. Angry. Things that I’m not by nature. Well, sometimes I’m a little neurotic, but in that quirky, adorable way. He took a strong, confident woman, and he nearly destroyed her… because she cared so much about helping him that she didn’t want to even think about herself.

In retrospect, he had a lot of red flags. The mood swings, his anger… the fact that he has had a conflict with almost every single person at one point or another. He’s charming, until he has you. Then, he knows he can treat you like garbage and you’re still going to love him.

He’s a textbook narcissist. As guilty as it makes me feel, maybe he tried to kill himself for the attention. Or because he knows he’s a monster who has no desire to fix himself.

As selfish as this sounds, I hope one day he realizes what a gift I was to him. How much he gave up when he gave me up. And while I hope that realization doesn’t crush his already mutilated spirit, I do hope the feeling of regret creeps in when he realizes he’s too late to fix the damage.

Maybe this guy is fixing the broken pieces. I do feel happy with him, and I know it isn’t always going to be perfect. Yet, I have all the confidence in the world that he would never let anything bad happen to me so long as he could control it. He’s truly a great man.

I am getting a little nervous about everything, though. What if it all turns sour?

I hope not.

Kels

Decisions

The full time option is a possibility for me at my second job. I would have to move on to something different and likely more stressful. However, it would be full time. 

No more 56 hour weeks without overtime pay. That will be nice. Overtime would be mandatory but it sounds like it would only be an hour or two each day. I could handle that.

I discussed it with current potential man, and he asked me a couple things:

Will the paycheck work in my favor?

Will the hours be more manageable?

Will you have upward mobility? 

And

What is keeping you from doing it?

So I answered and he sort of let me come to my own conclusion while offering his opinion.

This guy might be the fucking Kelsey whisperer. Holy shit. 

I feel like I should give him another chance. Maybe I needed closure from the great asshole. I have that now with him continually being an emotionally abusive dick. 

God, how do I tell them I’m leaving again? And that the biggest reason has to do with another employee that almost destroyed me? 

It’s going to be a hard conversation with lots of tears on my end. I don’t want to necessarily leave but I do know that I will always be living in a personal hell if I stay. 

If only he would leave so I could have my first job that pays the bills back. I never realized how much I don’t actually mind it. 

Maybe this is the fucking kick I need to move on. Maybe this will be great for me. I won’t know until I dive in with both feet and give it a shot. 

I really hope this is the right decision.

Kels

Going Crazy and Misunderstandings

Yup. I’ve done it. I talked and talked and obsessed until I got blocked by my ex-friend on Facebook. Granted, he cannot take any sort of criticism without being a huge fucking baby about it. 

So I talked to the guy I slept with after things went down hill with him. And apparently, the reasons why I got distant were all a huge misunderstanding. It makes me feel bad because I probably shut it down too soon. 

I might reconsider it. He was sweet and I think he would actually treat me the way I deserve. Plus, he’s a bit of a nerd and likes things I like. 

The only disappointing thing is that he doesn’t have blue eyes or facial hair. I really love facial hair. 

We shall see. Maybe something good will come from my asshole ex-friend. 

It also has me venturing into the idea of going full time at my temp job, which means I’d get a change there. That could be good for me, too. 

Honestly, maybe just getting away from him will be good for me. 

Anyway, I want to get to bed soon, so I think I’m going to do that. 

Kels