Career Exploration

Well, second day into my two job life, and I have already come down with a cold. I mean, I am most definitely going in to work today because I need to pay those bills. Plus, the more days I work, the sooner I can pay down my debt, and the sooner I can quit with the idea that I can find something a little more stimulating and enjoyable.

Don’t get me wrong. These things are teaching me a lot about myself. For instance, that I prefer the ability to move around over being stuck at a desk. However, I also value something that is a little more intellectual.

I did think of an advantage to this job. I get to throw things. It’s almost cathartic. Plus, there’s a certain sort of accomplishment when you get to the bottom of a large box and realize you sorted all that stuff into its appropriate categories. So that part is an advantage for me, personally. I like to see results… Of course, don’t we all?

Also, it won’t be mentally taxing so I don’t have to give it my all to be successful. That means I can focus my mental energy on other things, like figuring out what my next career move is going to be. Or if I want to do the multiple part-time jobs rather than one full-time one. It’ll give me time to think and reflect, which is fantastic.

I’ve come up with three financial goals I need to achieve to quit this job:

  1. Reduce my credit card debt by at least 33%.
  2. Bring my emergency savings fund to $1000 (I’m about 40% of the way there).
  3. Pay off my two smallest student loans (together that is about $1600, I believe).

My car is less than a year away from being paid off, so that will ease one burden for a little while. Ideally, that will be my deadline, since I think it puts me at quitting in about March of 2018. Nine months seems reasonable when I’ve doubled my income.

Who knows? Maybe I’ll find another afternoon/evening job that will be a better fit for me in the meantime. It will not hurt for me to continue to explore my options in this world and not continue to tie myself to one option. The world is mean to be explored, and I should be less afraid to fucking get out there and explore it.


First Days of Boredom?

I did my first day at the new job. It is mind numbing. It requires some attention to detail, but holy shit is it boring. On the positive side, I am getting paid for something that is mind-numbingly easy, so it won’t be something I won’t feel terrible for leaving when I hopefully don’t need it anymore in a year or two. If I play my cards right, it will be sooner rather than later. 

Also, we are not allowed to listen to music. On one hand, I get it because there are forklifts. However, I am in an area where forklifts really aren’t stopping by to visit. Usually they dump off some huge boxes (which, why are they called Gaylords?) and leave us the hell alone. Therefore, it seems like it’s merely a way to torture us… Ok it probably isn’t, but I still wish they would let me listen to music.

They do play music, but half the songs make me think of my ex-friend. He would sing a lot of the songs that played there, and I kept going, “Motherfuckers. Why do this to me?!”

It really could’ve been worse though. I mean, I know I can survive it for a little while. At least until I figure out life. Plus, it is only 4 hours for, at most, 5 days a week. It will be fine. I will survive this for a little while. 


Hey, I Might Not Be Getting Screwed Every Week!!

The world is being kind to me. I’ve been working every day since Friday, but I only have to make it through the end of this week. I was VERY worried that I was going to be getting all my hours at the current job only on weekends. Surprisingly, they are being kind, and I am still getting mostly weekdays with a couple weekends thrown into the mix.

This is also the first time I am going, “Oh, thank God I only have 20 hours the following week!” It’s such a relief to actually feel that way. Also, I will only be working 36 hours that week thanks to the Fourth of July, which is kind of a big thing here in the U.S. for some reason… Something about a piece of paper called “The Declaration of Independence” giving sovereignty to this big chunk of land in 1776. The plant is closed, so my afternoon that day will be wide open for a good bit of summer fun. Yay!

I devoured dinner about one and a half hours ago and already, I am starving. I feel like I go through phases. Sometimes I could spend an entire day not eating and my body will not send a cue for me to eat. Others, like today, I could probably eat every 20 minutes and my stomach would probably be growling immediately after consuming food. It’s interesting to me because even if I mentally control for activity level, this still is hard to explain.

The “I miss him” mode officially hit. I did really love him, in spite of his attitude and all the ways in which he is likely more fucked up than I am (although I think maybe it’s not so much “more” as it is in different ways). But love isn’t enough when someone isn’t mature or willing enough to jump on board the same boat as you. And he isn’t. I don’t know if he ever will be… at least not in time for me to decide that I want to sail on and find someone who actually knows how valuable I am. I do hope he can get his fucking shit together one day, though.

In ways, I do feel better. Something about this is working, and I will never quite understand why that is. Talking like this, writing every day like this, it does something to me. It keeps me motivated, and increases this desire to live. I don’t want to just exist, writing about the way life remains completely unchanged from day to day. Sure, maybe on a day to day basis, that’s just the way it is. Yet, over this arch of time, like the three months I’ve kept this going, I look at myself and go, “You’ve done well, Kels. You really fucking have.”

I want to keep evolving, to keep setting new goals, and to continue to grow and develop my life, mind, and soul in such a way that I can keep going, “You are crushing this living thing, bitch. Keep it up.”

Life isn’t perfect, and I am always going to have those days where life is a miserable, horrible experience. But I can get beyond that shit. I’ve got 31 years experience… and counting.


I Feel Like This Might be “Dad Lecture” Level

When I was in elementary school, we had a “Holiday” pageant. It was about the time where you had to start embracing that people didn’t all celebrate Christmas and shit like that. You know, while we pretty much sang exclusively Christmas carols. Anyway, we had these little speaking lines in between the songs, and I remember mine was: You could say, however, that modern technology has its advantages and disadvantages. 

I was eight, and at first, I remember being sort of mad that I got the short line. But then, I had the short line, with the biggest words, and the music teacher praised me for having such a strong, clear speaking voice in the microphone. We all love those moments where our vanity can go, “Fuck yeah, I have a beautiful speaking voice!”

Anyway, I bring that up because I wanted to talk about that, because, here I am, well over two decades later, typing a blog entry on a device that likely does a better job of computing than the first computer I ever used, which honestly, was pretty much the same year as that pageant. I regularly died of dysentary on that computer. Kudos if you know what I am referencing with that. If you don’t, you can likely type that phrase into any search engine and find out. 

I had to learn to use the card catalog in grade school, but, by the time I left high school, I could type search terms in and be directed to the shelf I needed in a matter of seconds. Hell, now I don’t even need to get out of my house to learn something new. I can just go to Google, or watch a few videos on YouTube. 

That part is beautiful. This connection to people and things I never would’ve experienced had technology not put this power at my fingertips. My world is smaller and faster than the one my grandparents grew up in; fuck, even the one my parents grew up in. 

However, because my world is smaller and faster, I think I, like countless people around me, have become accustomed to this idea. I don’t have to wait for things; I can just get them with as minimal effort as possible. I don’t need patience in a fast moving world, because the world can accommodate meeting my needs quickly and easily. 

I sometimes wonder if that’s why you see an uptick in anxiety, depression, and so many other mental illnesses. Putting your physical self through immense stress can lead to injury and illness. Why would it be any different for the mind? 

It seems unreasonable to me to think that all this stimulation and instant gratification wouldn’t have adverse effects on our mental state. That it wouldn’t make our minds sick. 

Although, that requires us to see mental illness the same as physical illness, and I don’t think enough of us believe that to create the shift in our world’s perception. I am optimistic about that shift occurring, though, for the simple fact that Millennials are getting older, and a lot of us seem to think that way. It also seems like the beliefs that are solidified in your early adulthood tend to carry themselves through life. I have no evidence to prove this other than experience, of course, so take it as much or as little as you please. 

I am, of course, also at the age where I hear about Snapchat and go, “That shit sounds awful,” which is also why I believe this solidified belief system. At the ripe young age of 31, I already stake that technological “kids these days” crap. No delusions of being “cool” here. 

Wow, a lot of related tangents. That’s pretty good.


Kelsey the Lobster Woman

When you are a fair skinned woman, the sun is your enemy. Of course, I am also the jackass who forgot to put on sunscreen before embarking on a walk with my sister. Needless to say, I am more cooked lobster than white woman on certain parts of my body. 

Second job is officially starting Monday. The nerves are kicking in about whether or not I am going to be flaky and try to ditch this job. I’ve done it twice in the past year, so I would call that a track record in recent history. 

In exciting things, though, I have new pillows that went on clearance at work today. I was just thinking about how mine were super flat and unsupportive. Now I don’t have that problem. 

I found my aloe gel. Lobster skin is happy now that I put something helpful on it. Of course, because of all this sun exposure, my face is finally clearing up again. Life is full of trade-offs, isn’t it. 

Oh and poor judgments like foregoing sunscreen when lobster is a viable skin color for you… Maybe one day I will learn. Don’t hold your breath, though.


Humidity and the Desire for Experience

Welcome back that bitch, humidity. It was rather pleasant for the past few days, but today, 89 with 70-something percent humidity. Seriously, I would never survive further south in the U.S. in summer. I’m up at the 42nd parallel in the middle of the continent, and that’s more than enough humid for me.

Somehow, I turn my fan so that half the time it is cooling a wall with nothing of importance, and for one fleeting moment, I get a breeze. It doesn’t matter how many times I twist it back in the direction I desire, it always makes its way back to the current, “I will keep this random bunch of shelves cool” position.

My guess is that when I am half asleep, my clumsy ass walks into the sucker and turns it. That sounds EXACTLY like me. Also, this clumsy ass is still rather prominent, so it takes up a bit of space which causes it to want to win whatever space it can. Therefore, fan loses. On a positive note, I don’t ever have to consider wearing the underwear that adds these like plastic bag fillers to your booty.

So um… yay for that?

Current job that pays the bills wants us to come in earlier for when we process our merchandise trucks. I’m a bit afraid of that because I will be working until 7:30 p.m. with the other job. I already warned the supervisor that there’s a chance I may not be able to get in early enough, and to not give up on me until I adjust to the changes that are happening in my life.

It’ll be rough, but I have to keep reminding myself that this is only a temporary state of being. That I will get used to it, that the new job will be great to add to my resume, and that it will give me a nice change of pace to my mostly boring life. Plus, essentially doubling my income will be amazing; let’s be honest. I might actually make enough this year that I will owe a little in taxes for a change.

I’m hoping that maybe, if I manage to get enough of my finances under control, that I will be able to do something really fun and interesting for my birthday. Maybe go somewhere I haven’t been before that isn’t too far from here. It would be nice to be able to add experiences to my life, instead of more stuff.

That’s the transition I am making in life. I don’t want stuff. I want memories, to see parts of this world that I haven’t seen before, even if they are only an hour or two away by car. Until that phase of life shows up, though, I am going to try not to melt in this humidity.


Songs about Aches and Pains Don’t Really Make Them Go… But They’re Fun

I keep randomly singing bits of the musical Les Miserables. However, I don’t sing the actual words so much as make that the melody to whatever I am feeling at that moment. 

For instance, my youngest sister and I went on a walk just a little while ago, so I started using “Look Down” to talk about how sore my legs and hips are. It basically went:

      My hips, they hurt

      I cannot bend or bow.

     You wuss, get up

     And do some squats right now.

That’s some fucking motivation right there. I mean, maybe the use of “wuss” was a bit mean, but it did make me go, “Bitch, I am not a wuss!” So now I did squats and my body is crying a little more. 

I really need to figure out how to fit my workouts into my new schedule. Yes, I will be working more than 40 hours a week, but so do some full-time employees. If some of them can manage, I sure as fucking hell can figure it out. 

After all, I am currently earning points towards gift cards on my laptop while I write this on my phone. That’s some killer multitasking right there. Also yay Swagbucks. 

My sister got me a small frozen hot chocolate. It was worth all 400 empty calories consumed. Even if all I have managed to do since consuming it is sit on the couch with my legs elevated. 

Apparently that is supposed to be good if you have varicose veins like it looks like I do. Basically, gravity helps the blood get to the heart more efficiently, which means blood isnt pooling and weak vein walls  are getting a break. It eases a lot of the achy feelings I get in my legs, so I am more than happy with that fact alone. 

Sometimes, I will sit like this until I get this sort of warm, tingly feeling in my legs. There’s also a sort of light feeling, like my legs stop feeling weighed down. Maybe that blood makes them feel heavy.

With that, I am going to try to get to at least 8 p.m. before falling asleep. Wish me luck!