Do you ever get to the point where life feels busy but you know you could have time?
Yeah, that’s where I am lately.
This keeps falling by the wayside. I tell myself it is because I am tired, because I work more than 8 hours a day more often than I’d like.
But I spend fucking hours on YouTube. Or at least an hour hitting the snooze button. Hell, sometimes two hours.
That’s where I’m losing time, and I know it.
Does admitting that I’m fucking this up mean I’m being unkind to myself for going, “The fuck, Kelsey… Get your shit together!”
Because part of me is frustrated that I spend hours hitting the snooze, or dedicating myself to nothing but watching TV and passive shit that I don’t really enjoy but allows me to escape the pressure. Pressure of failure, of success, of being the god damn adult that I am and keeping up on my responsibilities.
Maybe I’m tough because deep down… I have this confidence that is screaming, “You are so much better than this and you keep letting yourself down.” Meanwhile, I have the other side going, “Bitch, don’t be so arrogant and think you’re some god damn special snowflake out to change the world. Be realistic here.”
It’s like I have this double life in my head. I have this confident, sassy, awesome woman who I know deserves all the praise in the world… and then I have the self-deprecating, self-loathing, but also well-meaning voice of “stay humble.”
But sometimes the “humility” side isn’t so nice about wanting me to practice humility.
Is that a human struggle, though? Figuring out how to toe the line between being the arrogant dick of the world and the Negative Nelly… Because that golden spot in the middle? I know that’s that shit people call “confidence.”
For instance, with this… I often think, “nobody gives a fuck. Why are you writing a blog thinking your opinion has absolute Messiah-level value for this planet? Is it really something you are doing for yourself or are you doing it for attention?”
I do tell myself that’s a harsh way to put it…. but there was something I had to come to terms with in that emotional hostility towards myself?
Do I do things simply for the attention? Am I writing this with the notion that people will read my words and notice me? Am I that vain and engrossed with people’s opinions of me that I need the validation?
What if it’s a maybe, more than a yes or no?
Are there moments that validation isn’t a bad thing to seek? I mean, we all know there’s a dark side to seeking approval. But is it all a bad thing? Is it possible that, sometimes, giving a shit what other people think prevents us from being assholes?
I used to admire people for not giving a shit what other people think and just being themselves. But some of the people I admired for it… Well, they were, quite frankly, assholes.
I’m not about that life. I may have moments of self-centeredness (totally not a word, but I’m leaving it)… but isn’t that normal? Aren’t those moments needed to do things like self-assessment so that you can assure that you’re not a shitty person?
Maybe that’s the main reason I write this blog… To take a moment to assess whether or not I’m a shitty person. And maybe also to remind myself, and others, that a lot of us struggle with this idea if we are people who give a shit.
I’m Kelsey. I’m 32 years old and I give a shit about people.
Now, to figure out this productive, not spending my entire day in bed, business…