This Post Is Heavy

My cousin is no longer among the living. He passed last night. It’s hard to believe he’s gone. 

I still feel some anger about it, this sense of injustice. My ex-friend can run around wanting to die and being a selfish dick… But this kind, compassionate human being gets to lick the bucket. 

It just is. Sometimes the bad guys get to live while the good guy dies. The universe doesn’t weigh morality. It takes as the map inside your body requests. 

Mortality is a shitty thing to deal with. We all know we are mortal, even if we refuse to embrace it. We all know that we’re in line to lick the bucket at some point. Maybe not in the order we entered the line, but we are in line nonetheless.

Death honestly scares the fuck out of me. I don’t want to think about it. It scares me to cease to exist, that maybe nothing happens and I’ll have no idea it’s over. 

Things hundreds of years in the future remind me that I’ll be long gone… And that upsets me. Granted, I don’t necessarily want to live so long that everything I love will be long dead. But still, I hate the idea that I may merely be work food and that my existence will be meaningless.

I’ve had that existential crisis since the age of eight. I remember crying about it one night because I was terrified of this idea that everything would be over one day and I’d have no way to pause it. I want to savor the moments, experience everything. But I can’t. It’s impossible to do absolutely everything in this world in the limited amount of time we are given. 

Sometimes, the weight of that fact is enough to make me wonder if there’s a point. If I shouldn’t just end it now to save myself the trouble of agonizing over the inevitability. But I won’t. I don’t want to lose the opportunity for time that others don’t get. I want to cherish it. 

That keeps me alive more than anything in this world. I am blessed to have time. I am blessed to be able to walk and talk and have the opportunity to have basic needs covered. There are people out there who aren’t so lucky. 

It makes me mad because so many people bitch about what they don’t have. Material things. Meaningless things. Things that aren’t important when you’re on your death bed. 

I want to shake those people and go, “Then work at them for fucks sake! Stop bitching and do!!”

That’s my new motto. Stop bitching and do.

Kels

Songs That Heal a Broken Heart

I’m currently listening to the song “Weightless” by Marconi Union. Apparently, it is supposed to reduce anxiety. We shall see about that.

My cousin is officially at the end of the line. He apparently is no longer conscious and it is likely a matter of days before he passes away. It sucks. 

Meanwhile, people like my ex-friend, my father, my hopeful future boyfriend’s father, and neo-Nazis get to continue living their vile, hate driven existences. Fuck them. They don’t deserve the oxygen my cousin won’t get to breathe soon. 

Yeah, I’m a bit less optimistic and more angry today. It happens and it’s likely time I got this shit out anyway. Anger only becomes a festering wound if you let it sit for too long. 

My dad thinks his welding helmet will be good enough to view the solar eclipse. He also thinks people are stupid to be excited about the eclipse. I must be one of those stupid people. I kind of hope he goes blind looking at the sun because I’m that tired of his attitude and bullshit. 

Once again, doesn’t deserve oxygen.

I want so bad to not have to live here anymore. It will be so good for me. I know it. 

It is helping a little. I don’t feel amazingly better but I do feel better. 

Kels

People Who Suck

My mom is that annoying kind of drunk. She keeps talking and talking. All I want to do is go, “oh my God, please shut up.” 

She also repeats herself ad nauseum. It is making me insane. 

God could I use a fucking vacation, let me tell you.

In fact, I told man who will become hopeful next boyfriend that I could really use a vacation and he went, “Where do you want to go?” 

Ugh seriously. This man. I’m trying not to get too tangled into it but he does the good stuff. He makes me hope and that’s something I haven’t felt in a long time. 

I’m still waiting on word about working full time. I thought it would be settled by now. It isn’t. 

Hopefully, I don’t need to come up with a backup plan. Dear future boyfriend is trying to keep me from freaking out. I appreciate his concern. It’s nice to not be invisible to a man again. 

Once my schedule settles, it will be great to have some semblance of a life again. I’ve been so tired of basically going from job to job. 

People keep joking I am going to come back to first job that pays the bills. I can tell you with certainty that as long as that shitty human being is there, I will not be employed there. He will destroy me and like I’ve said before, I am taking this becoming a better version of myself very seriously. 

I feel petty, but part of me is happy that he is a sad, broken man who does nothing to fix himself. Yes, it would’ve been lovely to see him become a better person, but he proved that it his mindset will never allow that. So he damages others and treats them like shit.

So it goes. 

Kels

Short because Half Asleep

I’m half asleep as I write this. It has been another long day. There wasn’t much time between jobs. That will be the exciting thing. Only working 8 hours. 

I’m getting nervous because they haven’t said I was approved for full time.

I hope everything turns out.

Kels

What a Month and It Is Almost Halfway Through

I cannot believe August is almost half over. It feels like this month is flying by.

Of course, a lot of shit has happened to me this month, like ex-friend deciding to block me, getting back into contact with an old flame, changing jobs, working on switching out my bank accounts. August 2017 has been a month of changes, and I’m sort of grateful for that. They’re all good things for me and life is feeling like it is truly heading in a positive direction.

I do wonder how much of my pain had to do with my ex-friend. The promises he made in the beginning, the way he talked about all the things we should do together. The things I was willing to learn for him…

I thought I could take back the fact that he was abusive. But I can’t. He was.

People outside of the two of us knew how damaged I was getting. They could see it. They could tell when things went wrong between us. And every time I’ve been told that he will never be good enough for me. That he was crazy to leave a woman that would make him better.

I would have made him better. They’re right. I was willing to do anything to help him.

Did I ever get that in return? No. I got the cold shoulder. I got the narcissist who would only do enough to try to keep me around. Like he knew I would build him up if he just gave enough to make me hopeful. I became an addict to that feeling, and thus, began to act the same way an addict does.

Neurotic. Paranoid. Jealous. Angry. Things that I’m not by nature. Well, sometimes I’m a little neurotic, but in that quirky, adorable way. He took a strong, confident woman, and he nearly destroyed her… because she cared so much about helping him that she didn’t want to even think about herself.

In retrospect, he had a lot of red flags. The mood swings, his anger… the fact that he has had a conflict with almost every single person at one point or another. He’s charming, until he has you. Then, he knows he can treat you like garbage and you’re still going to love him.

He’s a textbook narcissist. As guilty as it makes me feel, maybe he tried to kill himself for the attention. Or because he knows he’s a monster who has no desire to fix himself.

As selfish as this sounds, I hope one day he realizes what a gift I was to him. How much he gave up when he gave me up. And while I hope that realization doesn’t crush his already mutilated spirit, I do hope the feeling of regret creeps in when he realizes he’s too late to fix the damage.

Maybe this guy is fixing the broken pieces. I do feel happy with him, and I know it isn’t always going to be perfect. Yet, I have all the confidence in the world that he would never let anything bad happen to me so long as he could control it. He’s truly a great man.

I am getting a little nervous about everything, though. What if it all turns sour?

I hope not.

Kels

When You Know, You Know

Seriously. This dude is future boyfriend. It has to happen. I told him I missed Game of Thrones because of work and he said, “Well, I will save it for you and we will watch it when you come over.” 

I have to avoid spoilers for almost a week, but seriously… What a man.

Oh and I started talking to one of my supervisors about ex-friend. She went, “Can I be honest?” I said, “Absolutely.”

“He treats you like shit and you are worlds better than he deserves.”

It feels so good to hear it. I mean, to get that validation in a moment where you have nothing but immense doubt. When nine out of every ten people are saying that he was terrible to you… All the sudden you realize that it is hard to argue with ninety percent of people.

I think the tough part is to know that there is a man crying out for help underneath it all. Fuck, did I want to help him. So bad.

Maybe it is for the best. I now am finding myself turning back towards this intelligent, nerdy man who I think will be thoughtful and caring and make me realize that relationships don’t have to be a never-ending source of immense pain. 

He will give me what I need in life, and he gives me a good feeling. I think it will be easier for me to be less of a pessimist when I get away. And thank freakin’ God for that. 

I hope seeing him on Saturday will keep this good vibe going. It will be nice to have good things happen after dealing with so much for years. 

Kels

Boy Band Songs for Good Memories

I have an *NSYNC song stuck in my head. Yeah, like that late 90s boy band shit that I loved because I was in their peak demographic in the late 90s. 

It’s not even one of their singles. It was from their first album (well at least the US version) and I am pretty sure I can say with minimal uncertainty that it was track 2.

I have a memory for things. For instance, I can tell you that I told this guy I am hoping to be dating soon that I remembered his birthday being either March or May. When I said I leaned towards March, he was happy to report that it was indeed March. I don’t know the actual date, although I could use the power of Facebook to find that out.

Sometimes I think, “God, I was an idiot for trying to find excuses to leave this guy. He is a really good guy and I’m pretty sure he understands me without knowing me too deeply.”

It’s fucking incredible, really. And he’s so good. Maybe I’m just in the honeymoon phase again. But who cares… I should enjoy this while it lasts. 

Secret confession… I was looking at this picture he posted on Facebook. I think it was within the past couple of weeks. He cooked some chicken. It was slightly charred but it really looked great. Someone had commented that he would make a great husband someday.

My first thought? 

“That’s the kind of guy I should be going for.”

I think that’s why I’m talking to him, because I know he’s fantastic. Because the reason I ended things was over a misunderstanding. Oh and an obsession over a guy who doesn’t know how to treat a woman well. Possibly with some serious mommy issues because he sort of puts her on a pedestal. 

It’s weird how the complete lack of contact is helping me see him for who he is. I’m better than he deserved. Does that make me arrogant or because he practically abused me I am allowed to feel that I deserved better? 

Something about calling him abusive makes me feel terrible. I don’t want to be mean to him and call him horrible things. Maybe he doesn’t deserve that level of kindness but I still want to give it.

I do think he is the man who made me grow up. And I think he made me better for this guy. Hopeful future boyfriend is going to have his work cut out for him but I do have a lot of faith that he might be strong and patient enough to handle me. 

And with that, I am heading off to bed.

Kels