I have not found a new job yet. Something keeps bothering me, as I sit awake at 11 pm on a work night, dreading the fact that I have to work another day with a cranky micromanager. She has moments where she isn’t awful, but she can be hard to work with. I’m not sure my confidence can handle. It is already shaky at best.

Also, we had these surveys and filling out my dream job has me a little worked up inside. Travel blogger was my answer. I like to write. I love to travel. Makes perfect fucking sense. It has been holding my brain hostage since. Which means there is a part of me that wants that… Or something like that.

My job is not what I would call an inspiring one. It’s a pay the bills one. I’m pragmatic enough to realize the importance of paying my bills.

However, there’s also the part of me that needs an escape from this dull shit that I call my day to day life. I want to hike the Grand Canyon and feel like a damn storybook. I’m not a storybook right now. It is fucking boring as hell.

Am I crossing into complainer mode? A bit. However, if I have proven anything to myself in the past two years, it is that I have the lady cajones to take a chance on shit. Even if it turns out to be a totally fucking regrettable disaster. At least I try.

Another discovery I’ve made is that I am obsessed with modernized Greek myths. There’s this comic online called Lore Olympus done by Rachel Smythe, and I am pretty sure I’ve read completely through to the current chapter at least three times.

I think because there’s something about the Hades character that makes me go, “Yes, where is the man that embodies what this iteration of Hades personifies?”

I have come to really enjoy my solitude over the past year or so, but once in a while, something like that tugs at my beaten up heartstrings. Then, I remember there’s still a bit of a romantic buried under the sarcasm and epic puns.

Until next time,

Kelsey

When Someone Makes the Decision Easy

Hey all,

I was having a rough week at work this week. And by rough… I mean ROUGH. You know, the weeks where nothing seems to go wrong, all your old ways start creeping in, and you start to think, “I am in over my head”?

Yup, that was the week that I came off of at work, and I’m hoping that it isn’t about to bleed into next week.

The crowning moment of that week? One of my coworkers yelling at me on the first account that I sent to him. When I asked if there was anything I could’ve done differently, he said, “It’s not your fault at all and there was no way for you to have known.”

I was nice to him, simply because I realized there was no point in escalating the situation. On the inside, however, I was FUMING. Don’t be treating me like garbage because things aren’t going right…

Everyone has a bad day. I get that. This particular individual, however, seems to take out his frustrations on his coworkers a lot, even if they are not responsible.

That lead me to thinking, and it lead me to draft a list of pros and cons on every job I’ve ever held for more than a couple months. By the way, if you’ve never done this, I highly suggest you do it. It helps you assess what you value out of your job, and, more importantly, how you rank those things in life.

I do believe that it’s important to make a living wage off your job. I also believe that if your only reasons to stay at a job revolve around the money generated from it, then you are honestly at a point in your life where you have nothing to lose by looking for another job.

At least I can say I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I also might be starting to love myself just enough that I realize what I’m willing to put myself through.

I feel like I should almost thank that guy for being a dick.

Until next time,

Kels

Dreams and Weird Beauty Things

All right people who love weird beauty shit… Today is for you.

So last Friday, I decided that I wanted to get myself something small to sort of “pamper” myself. I was at Walmart in the beauty section and I saw a peel foot mask. If you know what these are, you know what I’m likely going to talk about… If you don’t, and you get weird about human body things… I’d suggest you stop here and find the big, “HI, YOU CAN READ AGAIN SQUEAMISH BLOG FRIEND!”

See you in a bit, my squeamish ones…

Now… for the rest of you… I bought the Earth Therapeutics ones at Walmart. I think they were just under $3. If you haven’t done this before, it’s something like this:

You have these weird sort of papery-plastic (kind of like that shit you find in hospitals, where you’re not entirely sure you can determine the chemical composition… If you have no clue what I’m talking about, that’s fine, because I really don’t know how to describe it) booties. The instructions on the back said that they were supposed to have an opening to slip your feet into… Well, mine did not. I sat there for a good 5-10 minutes worrying about whether or not I’d be wasting $3 tearing these fuckers open.

Ultimately, I decided that it was probably more of a waste not to tear an opening in the top of the bootie/sock. Luckily, I was not a colossal failure and I could now slip my behemoth feet into these weird clinical socks with some really gooey aloe stuff going on the inside.

So, as people online suggested, I slipped a pair of oversized socks on top of these, which was probably good, since behemoth feet borderline Hulked out of those socks. Apparently, people with wide feet should accept that their duck feet are going to rip open the top a bit. That could also just be a Kelsey problem, as well.

Anyway, you are supposed to leave these suckers on for about 60-90 minutes. Being the overachiever I am, though, I wore them ALL NIGHT.

Yes, I fell asleep with them on by accident. Whoops.

So anyway, I took them off Saturday. Feet were a little softer, but nothing amazing. Sunday, nothing. Yesterday, it was like my feet went to their old ways… But today, TODAY my friends, I have seen the magic begin. I looked down at my feet after my shower (They suggest soaking daily… I kept hoping a shower was enough)… and we have peelng toes!!!

I mean, it’s fucking disgusting, but satisfying. It has that same appeal (Ha, pun!) as those Dr. Pimple Popper videos. Or her show. It’s like a “renewal” to me. I’m taking off this beaten, rough patch of skin, and I’m making it new. And if there’s something I love, it’s taking beaten, rough stuff and making it new.

So I will let you know in a couple days if I think they are amazing. They’re worth the hype right now, though!

 

 

HI, YOU CAN READ AGAIN SQUEAMISH BLOG FRIEND!

I told you I’d let you know. 🙂

I watched an amazing TED talk on YouTube yesterday. It’s always great when you find an amazing TED talk.

Go here if you want to see it for yourself.

I’m about 110% sure she’s a fucking genius. It got me thinking, though… What is my dream and what is keeping me from it? That’s currently my life homework, because there has to be SOMETHING I want. After all, I’m not a damn robot… I mean, if I am, they did a pretty damn good job fooling me.

What do you want? What’s stopping you? And who are your people who might be able to help you get there?

That’s some shit to think about, isn’t it..

And that’s 3 in a row. Boom.

Kels

Long Haul Paranoia

Well, well, well… 2 days in a row! What the hell is going on with me?! Ha!

Mostly, the need for the sort of “cheap therapy” that writing this can provide. Getting on here and writing really does help when I keep it as an important part of my process. And it truly is important to me. Often, I wish it was something more lucrative for me, but I always terrible at anticipating need for others… In the sense of, “How do I make a need work for me?”

I mean, I’m a big time people pleaser. I’m just shitty at using my people pleasing for my own advantage. Damn me for not being able to exploit others!!!

In all honesty, I don’t think that’s exploitation. It’s probably smart. I happen to have an overly guilty conscience for essentially no reason at all.

I’ve been starting to get headaches on a daily basis. Paranoia makes me think that it’s a tumor. Reality makes me believe it’s stress. My job is extremely stressful, and part of me has been sitting here wondering if it’s worth throwing myself in for the long haul. Of course, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that you have one foot out the door as soon as you start thinking that way. I might have to take that thought a little more seriously now that I’ve put it out in the universe like this. At least I’ve made it one review cycle, so some of that “resume paranoia” can subside.

I mean, I worked a job for 12 years and I’m only 33, but I still have that paranoia that I might screw up my resume by showing that I can’t commit to a job. If anything, I’ve probably shown the opposite.

Paranoia seems to be a running theme in this entry. Maybe paranoia is why I’m so damn stressed lately. At least it would give me some direction. Moody and sullen is just not enjoyable, so I’d like to get beyond this shit.

Do you think I can make it to three entries? We’ll find out!

Until next time,

Kels

Relapse

My typical MO when writing these blogs is to write out the entry and then pop back and go, “What do I think my theme is in this entry? What am I trying to convey here?” Sometimes they’re a little quirky, but I enjoy them.

Today, I knew the title before I even began to type on my fancy new rainbow glowing keyboard (more on that later)… I have relapsed.. well, sort of.

Let me explain. At my core, I am not a pessimist. At all. For the most part, I am always hopeful about my future improving… If I just put in the work. However, I have Present Kelsey to contend with, and Present Kelsey is the problem.

You see, Present Kelsey (I’m calling her PK for now on because I don’t feel like typing that out each time, as much as I enjoy the clacking of the keys beneath my fingers), is kind of a pain in my ass right now. PK is kind of miserable and lethargic. She’s always “too tired” or making up any reason to say she can’t. PK knows this is a problem in the back of her mind.

Recent Past Kelsey, or RPK, got a review at work recently. She had to write a self-evaluation. You know what RPK was told? She deserves to have confidence in herself because she’s doing a pretty damn good job.

All the Kelseys agree that this is a massive fucking problem. It’s up to PK to be fixing it, because, let’s face it… Of all the Kelseys, PK has the most control of the situation. PK knows this.

Yet, PK is still struggling. RPK got invited to go to an event in a couple weeks. That version of PK wasn’t sure because she isn’t sure how FK (Yeah, Future Kelsey) is going to feel about going to something on a work night and probably being there until 9:30 or 10:00 pm. It will probably be fun, but work requires a lot of mental acuity. A lack of sleep could diminish that and then that will lead to a bad day at work.

See the problem? I do, too. I’m letting the “what if” dictate so much, and I think that’s probably the toughest part of everything for me. I know EXACTLY what I am doing, and I know that I need to break the cycles. Here I am, not breaking those cycles, knowing exactly what I need to do, but not doing it all the same.

Does anyone else have that problem and get frustrated with yourself, too? How do you cope with that? How do you fight that present version of yourself that likes to talk you out of everything that could probably help you change for the better if you would just let it? I mean, I get assessing risk, and I’m sure that’s part of the equation. PK’s risk meter is fucking ridiculous, and I don’t want to lose the hope that FK has.

Basically, I need to draw up a map of Operation Counter-Sabotage PK. What should my map look like? What tools can help so I can try to figure out if they’re in my mental toolkit? How do you keep yourself accountable?

That’s what is on my mind today as I stare at a full hamper of dirty clothes and a full basket of clean ones. I definitely feel fortunate to have that problem at least. 🙂

Until next time,

Kels

Hide and Go Seek with My Bedroom

Guys!!!

And when I say guys, I pretty much use it in a very gender neutral way… I don’t know why. Maybe it is the patriarchy making me use guys in that way… Or maybe I am so feminist that guys can mean anyone regardless of their identity on the gender spectrum.

Either way, let’s get back to my point… I am taking a decluttering plunge. My bedroom is a motherfucking disaster… Or fatherfucking, if you prefer…

This is the current state. A disaster. And me… Also a disaster, but my shirt is fan-fucking-tastic. I hope the face also conveys the level of, “What the hell did I get myself into?” That I am currently experiencing.

For the record, yes, I still have a fall themed garland up above. I could change it but a full-time job seems to enjoy being a succubus for all my energy and internal motivation. Succubus is the one I want, right? Correct me in the commenting thingy if I am a liar on that, haha.

If it chooses to be a brat and doesn’t upload the photo, then I apologize because you are truly missing out on photographic mediocrity.

Today, I spent about $110 for new lighting and new vanity organizers. I may have bought something else, but my memory is escaping me on it. I’m choosing a lot of black, gray, blue, pink, and metal tones. I’m also hoping to add in some dark and gray wood tones to the palette… Most importantly, though, I do not think I need to change my paint color, and that makes me VERY happy.

I love to paint. I just don’t love having to relocate all my shit while I am doing it in a house with 5 other humans and 5 animals.

So wish me luck people, and I will try to keep you updated as I go about this. It is definitely going to be a lot of weekender work for me!

Until next time,

Kels

Stuff Everywhere

Hi everyone,

It is long time I checked in with you all. It has been a while. Inspiration just struck me, so I wanted to write about this while it is sort of marinating in my brain.

I am very good at accumulating stuff. Not just stuff I use… But the “Oh this is a great deal, maybe I will use it someday when blah blah blah happens.”

That is compounded with this horrible habit of not using stuff up to the bottom. Using stuff up makes me feel guilty. I think partly because I hear my dad in my head throwing a fit that something is gone, so I have a behavioral pattern that is saying something along the lines of, “Hey, if you use this up, you are going to be in trouble.”

Which, my dad is likely not going to want to use flower scented lotions or products designed for long curly hair… Nevertheless, I struggle to get the rational Kelsey to put that out there.

Actually, I think it is beyond guilt… It’s fear. I am afraid of the trouble I might cause myself. Honestly, that offshoots to my entire life. I am always afraid of trouble or the severe punishment on the other side. The belittlement. And then the guilt trip or the fact that this is “all in my head.”

I know it’s not but I still fear this.

I’ve been sort of diving head first into some of those westernized eastern ideas. Mostly the idea that your environment shapes your mental and emotional state. I look at my bedroom and I think, “This is a fucking storage room. This is not a place for me to seek escape, joy, and solace from the outside world.”

“You fucking deserve at least a little sliver of happiness Kels.”

That’s something new going on with me. I am starting to realize I deserve to have some sort of joy and comfort in my life. Right now, my bedroom is the place I want to provide that. It isn’t.

I want to scale back to the bare bones in here. Like somehow just taking everything out, destroying it, and coming back new might give me the kind of fresh rebirth I am vying for right now. To be some sort of superficial version of the phoenix.

I mean, it can’t hurt anything, and I feel like there is something rewarding when you take everything back to your basics and start over. Maybe it’s long overdue for me.

Until the next time friends,

Kelsey

Give Me More

I’m at another point of my life where I am wondering if I need to make a change. My job is ok, but it is just that… Ok. It’s not the most fulfilling or enjoyable. It pays the bills.

Should I settle for ok? Am I good with being the “ok” kind of person?

Part of me wants to go, “Sure, I am not into high expectations.”

In reality, no. I’m bored. I want more.

I’m still hungry for so much more. I am wanting a world with a lot more than what I have. This world isn’t what I need.

I find myself always wanting to be in that sweet spot between challenge and comfort. You know where you are pushed a little bit for growth but not so much that you feel like you’re drowning?

Currently, my job isn’t doing a very good job at keeping me in the sweet spot. The good news is I am coming up on a year there, so I am inching towards that point where I won’t look like a job hopper if I choose to look towards a different path.

It isn’t a bad job, and I would definitely say I am not failing at it. Maybe not doing fantastic, but not failing. I’m currently torn as to whether or not this is my industry. Honestly, I feel a lot of doubt that it is my industry.

I think I am also trying to think ahead though. What do I want out of this life? Is this going to get me there? Do I need to move my expectations up or down?

After settling for over a decade, I think I am now more restless than ever. I don’t want to get too settled into a job if I can help it.

Sometimes, though, that’s the problem with that internal hunger… It doesn’t always stay satisfied. I would never fucking go back to the alternative, but it isn’t always the easiest thing to live with either.

How do you deal with a hungry soul?

5 Days to 33… How the What?

I sometimes don’t believe how old I am. I also get into the comparison shit, which is always a great idea (by great, I mean awful, of course). The worst one is my own expectations. That’s the one that makes me angry.

Why?

Because I’m not where I am supposed to be. Where I want to be. One of those matters a lot less than the other. “Supposed” requires some sort of outer expectation. “Want,” though, means I am not content with my position.

So what’s wrong?

It’s not that my life is awful. My financial situation isn’t great, but I am rather of proud of the progress I’ve made. I got a car that I enjoy to drive, even though I am slightly afraid of the fact that it is a small, light vehicle. I have steady employment.

I’m hungry, in that way Anthony Bourdain eluded to in his show. Not for food, but for that adventure. The adrenaline. That life of excitement. Which, as a side note, I cannot begin to describe how much it hurt to find out he passed. I obviously didn’t know him, but he inspired me deeply. His attitude and personality resonated to me as someone that felt a bit like me. For him to succumb to the darkness that I am always afraid of in my own backyard, that scared the fuck out of me. What if I can’t keep running and it swallows me whole?

I always hope that my toughness and stubbornness will keep pulling me through. It has managed to get me this far.

My hunger is about doing more, seeing my potential. I’ve realized I’m a weird contradiction, which, maybe that’s all of us… I believe in myself. I really, really do. And yet, at the same time, I think I am grossly inadequate to go for the level of life that I want. How do you resolve that? And if there’s no resolution, what’s the way to keep balancing on that tightrope?

I’ve become really into the Property Brothers. I watched an interview, and they talk about this particularly inspiring quote from their father.

“When someone tells you that you can’t do something, find 5 ways to do it.”

I fucking love that!

Lately, I feel like my life is missing the passion. I need things that make me passionate, make me excited. I wish I could say that was my job, but it isn’t. I know I am going to be making another career shift. But I want to build a skill set and skills that go with my passions.

That’s my new goal: find that passion set and develop the skills to make them something I can mold into a career move.

I’m fired up, but I’m also terrified. I say all this, but I also know that the minute I get a bit derailed, it is all going to fall apart. I’m tired of being in that cycle, and I don’t know how to break it yet. It is something I know I need to figure out, so if anyone knows how to break that, I can definitely use the advice.

What I will say is this. It is great to be back to writing this, again. I feel like I gain a lot from writing this blog. So thank you for reading, and I hope I help you while helping myself.

Until the next one,

Kels

 

Well I Did the Disappearing Thing Again

I get so fucking mad at myself for it.

Yup, first sentence in after a hiatus already had some form of “fuck” in it. That’s how you know it’s a true Kelsey entry. Let us commence the update, shall we?

I am almost 33, I have been working my new job for almost 7 months, and I am actually not up to much else. Work and sort of stagnating.

I had to buy a new car. My poor darling jeep was getting noisy and sad. So now I have this sporty little blue sedan thing that was fairly reasonably priced and gives me some certainty that it will last more than 5 years. At least it damn well better.

My job was great at first. Fun, confidence building, and challenging but not too much. I was ready for the next step.

Then, they gave me a different department, and I am doing this bad thing. I don’t hate it, but I sure as hell don’t love it. I let them fucking inundate me with more and more new stuff. It is extremely uncomfortable, and while I am glad to get something new, I sure as hell shouldn’t feel like I am drowning in it.

I keep telling myself it will get easier. Even as I am tearing my eyebrows out because I need the release of tension welling up inside of me. I know that eyebrow pulling is my first warning sign that my anxiety is nearing the point that I cannot keep it in check.

Yet, I keep clamming up and saying, “No, it’s fine. I’m fine.”

Yeah, Kels, you always tear your eyebrows out when everything is fine. That’s not a reaction to nervous energy at all…

I don’t know why I have such a hard time admitting when things are not ok before they are absolute fucking chaos. Maybe pride because I don’t want to feel weak or inadequate.

Ok, that’s totally the fucking problem, but I am going to pretend like it just dawned on me.

I know myself a lot better than I think I realize sometimes. I’m just too busy ignoring it to admit that I am completely cognizant of the truth.

Denial… You can insert that river in Egypt pun here if you want. It crossed my mind, so that would give you the full Kelsey experience.

I forgot how much nicer it felt to write shit down. I mean, I’ve probably only scratched a tiny little section of the surface, but I’ll take it. Also, I know I should sleep.

Until the next one,

Kels