Dear Sleep, You Can Show Up Any Time Now

The title sums up so much with me right now. It is about 1:30 A.M. when I am starting this entry, and while I am exhausted beyond fucking belief, I cannot seem to fall asleep.

There are some interesting things going on. I have an interview for a potential new job on Thursday. It is an office position, which I am not sure if I will enjoy it or not. I am in a much different mental space than I was the last time I took an office job.

Part of me is sad to leave the current job though. I don’t like the hours, and sometimes people get a bit condescending. But they do trust me with a lot of stuff now. However, I am getting paid less doing the same work as company employees. They get all sorts of benefits, and here I am, still waiting for the next hiring event 5 months after becoming eligible.

I mean, technically they had one in September, but then they withdrew it. The contract is 2 years and there’s no guarantee that I will be hired, no matter how good or bad I am (based on feedback, I will say I’m good at the job).

So I don’t necessarily want to leave, but I don’t want to keep waiting for something that isn’t guaranteed to happen by the end of 2 years. At this point, I would like something more stable than that. I have to do what’s best for me, right?

Speaking of, the guy is still not talking to me since I went at him about wanting less advice and more conversation. Maybe he is afraid to confront me. Maybe he is tired of me. I don’t want to have to keep starting this conversation for him to keep ignoring it. I’m too old for that shit.

So instead, I guess I’m in limbo. Or maybe I’m definitely single. I don’t know.

Well, I am going to attempt this sleep thing and hope I can get at least 5 or 6 hours tonight. Wish me luck.

Kels

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I want to be fully honest about all my feelings. Sometimes I wish he would call or text, say he was sorry he was a dick. Tell me he did care and that it still bothers him that he shredded our closeness over rumors.

I do still love him and I miss the good about him. Of course, I’m still so sure of the fact that he is an asshole and he hurts me. I’m not delusional, after all. But sometimes, I do wish for that conversation I know I will never get because he would have to grow up. And that is something that I don’t think he is capable of doing.

I also found out I might have to throw myself out into the job hunting market again. While the words, “we’re not hiring permanent employees” never left the lips of the manager, I did hear the phrase, “We are at a good permanent to temp ratio.” To me, that is the same as, “We aren’t hiring.”

The beauty is that this job has given me the confidence to realize that while I might not be the fastest person, I am a very competent person. I absorb new information like a sponge and take pride in doing my job well, no matter what it is. So I am going to find a job that wants to nurture that fucking gift.

Also, I am not sure what is going with me and the man, but I really am starting to get the sense that we are about to steer towards an ending.

He is the “typical man who wants to give advice” all the time. And advice can be good… But it can also be really fucking insulting when you aren’t asking for it. For instance, when I am trying to tell him a story about my uncle calling the most recent mass shooting a “hoax,” this guy asks why I have to contradict him by questioning my uncle’s opinion. I tell him how uncle comments on an article I posted on Facebook and he then asks if it’s my article… Which is the exact way he gets when he is about to tell me what he would’ve done…

I finally told him I want to be trusted to do my own thing and not have to get unsolicited advice all the time. As nicely as I could, which in Kelsey speak means I didn’t swear, haha. Well, I probably did once or twice, but that’s a fucking accomplishment in Kelsey speak.

Well, he hasn’t said a word since, which means he probably doesn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry, I never thought of it that way because I don’t mean it that way,” would’ve been a great start though. And I’d respect that. Seriously. But I am not going to ignore things that bother the hell out of me for the sake of peace. I’m too old for that shit and the ripe young age of 32… ๐Ÿ™‚

Really though, these are small bumps in the road. I can live with this shit. I can move on and change them if necessary. It doesn’t scare me anymore. If anything, I’m hungry for the new adventure to see exactly what I can get out of this life.

So I will keep you all posted as life continues along this path.

Kels

Ten Years And a Few Hours

Ten years ago on February 14th, 2008, I decided to not attend my classes at Northern Illinois University. At 3:06 pm, I would have been on campus when a deranged young man removed a gun from his guitar case and started spraying bullets in a lecture hall.

I can tell you exactly what that lecture hall looked like because I had a class in that lecture hall. I can talk about how the seats were just uncomfortable enough that you couldn’t sleep in them. How I wasn’t in that hall when the shooting happened but I can imagine it in vivid detail because I was that close.

I can also tell you that sometimes, I still feel incredibly nervous around additional entrances of buildings. And how I wanted to cry in the middle of the work breakroom earlier tonight when I saw that a Florida high school joined this club on the tenth anniversary of my own alma mater’s horrific tragedy.

It breaks my heart to think that this keeps happening. There are now young men and women half my age coming to the conclusion I did at 22: Even school can’t keep me safe, no matter how many lockdown drills I participate in, no matter how prepared I am for the worst…

I don’t know what the solution is, but we are doing something wrong here in the U.S. After all, if we were doing things right, I wouldn’t have to be writing this.

Thoughts At 2 A.M.

I am proud of the things I have changed in the past year. I really, really am.

I thought I could never thrive in a workplace that wasn’t retail. Here I am, doing order picking and packing. Am I perfect at it? No. But I can manage to make the top 10 of order pickers almost every day and the top 5 at least once a week. I have only been doing this September… And I have made it this far.

I thought my life was in collapse without him. I really, really did. Yet, here I am, still standing, still working, still trying. He didn’t destroy me.

He made me better for hurting me. I liked the me that existed before him. She was ready for adventure and excitement. She wasn’t as scared.

But I am different than her. I am still hardened, perhaps in a good way. Yet the heart is there.

I think about my cousin once in a while. Mostly when I think about what my next adventure should be. I don’t want to take advantage of the fact that I’m still here. Life can be so fucking hard, but it is so damn precious.

I think I will leave it there.

Until the next time,

Kels

Drying Out Like a Prune, Man

I am learning that my job might be the biggest cause of my dry hair and skin.ย Well, doubling with the fact that it is now cold and dry up here in Illinois.

Needless to say, everything is either dry, chapped, cracking, or all of the above, really.

As I’ve mentioned the past couple of days, I have a remedy for the hair. Since it seems to be helping, I can safely say this: Thank you hair oils. Moroccan and coconut oil tend to be my favorites.

Now it’s on to the skin. I’m trying to lotion my hands nightly now. It’s sort of dual purpose because my hands are usually quite sore from the day. I never thought of how much grasping can tire out your poor hands. But boy, does it tire them out when you do it for 8 hours a day… minimum.

Oh, and I keep a tube of lip balm on me because my poor upper lip has been permanently chapped for the past two weeks or so. Like most everything in my life, I struggle to find that balance.

Oh and I’m running a humidifier. I’m so glad those fuckers exist because my poor dry nose would probably be in perpetual nosebleed mode if it weren’t for the joys of a humidifier.

It’s all a learning curve, though, and I am continually working at it. That’s all I can do, right?

In good news, though.. I will be able to go to bed before 2:00 A.M, so that will be nice.

Until tomorrow,

Kels

How Do They Do It?

The title of today’s entry explains the entire premise. Who are they? What is “it”?

Well, I’m about to tell you.

“They” are the people who seem capable of doing 100 things a day without looking exhausted. “They” actually seem to thrive when a million things are coming at them. I am not one of these “they” people. But I am sort of curious if there is a way to be kind of like them.

Not totally… because, let’s be honest. It takes a certain set of traits to be that kind of person, and I am starting to realize that I may not be one of them. That’s ok, but sometimes, I also suck at getting even one item checked off my to-do list.

Now, the “it.” I’ve sort of laid it out, but it is the idea of getting things done. Actually, it is more the idea of handling a busy schedule.

I tend to get burned out and discouraged rather easily. On the other hand, I am also very good at persevering through a lot more than people expect. So, I’m sort of both while also being neither?

I do try to be a person who gets a lot done. Hence why I am here at almost 2 A.M. writing this entry.

However, I almost blew this off. I almost decided, “Eh. I know you like writing this but you can’t waste time on things.”

Yeah, it’s weird. Doing things you like will never be a waste of time. But that warped brain of mine thinks that doing things I like must mean I’m not living right. And wouldn’t that be an absolute horror in the rat race of life…

So instead, I thought, if I can get more done… then maybe I will omit that guilt of doing the things I enjoy. Or heck, figure out how to make the things I enjoy part of the things I have to get done so that the things I have to get done become palatable actions.

Oh and I think I mentioned the hair oil yesterday… It worked so well. I had very few knots when I got home today and decided that even if I have to take a shower tomorrow, I am going to put that hair oil in again tonight. So I’m rocking my pigtail braids again to sleep. This might be my new look, ๐Ÿ™‚

Until tomorrow,

Kels

Short Little First World Problem

This is most definitely a first world problem, and I want to start by saying that I am rather grateful to be in a situation where this can be considered a problem.

Every part of my exterior that can be ridiculously dry… it is ridiculously dry. My hair is knotting super easily because it is dry. My lips are getting so chapped that they are cracking.

I need to take better care of these things, because, to be honest, I’ve been rather negligent in recent times.

I am attempting, though. For instance, my hair is currently coated in oil (specifically designed for hair because I actually have tons of great products to use to maintain all these things), and I’m using an ointment for my chapped and chafing skin on my body.

Things like these may seem like “The Vanity Starter Kit,” but they aren’t. Self-care like this is maintenance. They keep your body healthy. Moisturized skin not only looks younger but also probably does its job better.

I’m not entirely sure I can argue that the hair part isn’t vain. Hair, on the head at least, is becoming rather unnecessary.

The braids in my hair and I are going to bed, though. It is 3 A.M. my time are I finish this, and I’d really like to get some sleep.