Getting It All Together

Hello,

Yes, I keep disappearing. I think I am FINALLY adjusting to this whole second shift schedule. It’s kind of weird. In a way, I like it, because I don’t have to get up immediately and get ready for work.

Of course, I’m not freakin’ getting out of bed until noon. Oops. Haha.

Anyway, I’m slowly getting back into the notion that I want to work on my health in all aspects. I want to get me back. Because me before Luke was great.

God, that’s the first time I put his name here. I didn’t call him “ex-friend.” Luke. There’s a lot of them so it’s not like you can hunt him down based on that little tidbit.

At moments, his name still feels easy rolling off my tongue. Something about it always felt so comfortable and natural. I’ve known other Lukes in the past, and I will say the same thing. The name just feels good rolling off my tongue.

Maybe that’s why I held on to him so fucking hard. Because it felt like it was supposed to work. Like I was supposed to be the woman that saved him. I wasn’t. He wouldn’t let me, and try as I might, I couldn’t and shouldn’t have tried to make him let me in.

This week, they played the sort of 80s/90s hybrid station at work. So it was a lot of the shit I heard on the radio growing up. Tears for Fears kept playing. In particular, a song he loves: Head Over Heels.

The fortunate thing about my job is it has a good amount of alone time. A brief desire to cry swept over me. I didn’t, though, because I realized I was done feeling sorry for me and for him. I think they call that “acceptance.”

My mourning phase is done and I don’t wish ill on him. I think part of me will always love him. But I’m cognizant of the fact that I deserve much better than him.

I don’t deserve a narcissist who won’t let go of his internal self-loathing. I can’t love someone hard enough if he cannot find any part of himself to love on his own.

I have to thank him though. If it weren’t for our falling out, and my desperate low, I wouldn’t have found the strength to go, “You know what? I need to leave.”

I would have stuck to that same dead end job and continued to try to drive myself crazy to be the woman he could love. My life never would have moved forward and I would’ve been trapped in this downward spiral.

I wouldn’t have spent hours listening to videos about core confidence and building myself up. I wouldn’t be redeveloping myself as a complex human being with many interests and hobbies. I wouldn’t have goals and dreams and aspirations that didn’t somehow revolve around winning him over.

I turn 32 on the 26th of this month. I’ve decided to create 32 goals to celebrate me. They revolve around helping me rediscover the woman I know and love, that deserves to be known and loved.

I’m back bitches.

Kels

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The Desire That Boredom Breeds

I’m sitting here, in bed, typing on my laptop while wearing that black peel-off mask. You know, the one that was all over social media at one point. I haven’t used it in months, so I thought, “You know what? I should try that shit again.”

So that’s exactly how I’m spending my Sunday evening. And I’m actually really fucking content with that fact.

On the other hand, I’m really fucking bored. I mean, not to tears, but bored. I’m the kind where you’re mentally underwhelmed and under-stimulated. It’s almost as though my brain knows that I need the challenge, but my confidence is afraid of the failure if I push too hard.

Sometimes, I think fatigue sets in because I’m looking for adventure. Because I’m not meant to be the 9-to-5 sort of girl. I have a wild streak, a sassy attitude, and a hunger.

Deep down, sometimes I think my anxiety and depression are the way I express my boredom and frustration. My unfulfilled hunger and desire.

But how am I supposed to satiate this? What adventure is going to make me happy? How do I get there?

These are hard questions. And honestly, as we change, so do the answers to these questions. Maybe that’s ok though.

Kels

Updating Since I Went MIA Again

I’m going to start with three good things I did today:

  1. I managed to get one large bag of clothes out of my house, which will be donated tomorrow. Well, I guess today as I write this entry.
  2. I balanced my checkbook, and made an additional payment towards one of my credit cards. Although it’s a credit card I will probably be using tomorrow, I think I might’ve paid more than I will spend tomorrow. That’s the goal, at least.
  3. I had a rather tasty “cheesy cauliflower breadstick.” They don’t taste like breadsticks, but they are a delicious food to enjoy when you don’t want to dedicate 3000 calories to the sheer number of breadsticks you could eat in one sitting.

I’ve been in training the past two weeks. The new job is a little overwhelming. I mean, that’s going to happen any time you’re the “new girl.” It’s a hard thing for me to stomach because I’m used to really knowing what I’m doing.

It’s also a bit overwhelming to be working at least 40 hours at one place, and doing it second shift at that. I kind of wish I was working mornings, but this second shift thing really isn’t that bad. Plus, I live about five minutes away, so that’s nice.

Also, I spent some time with the guy in my life. I don’t know what we are, and maybe that makes me a little nervous. At the same time, he’s my biggest cheerleader, a source of positive energy, and we have a really good time together.

He also seems to understand me. In this scary, “can read my mind,” sort of way. When I was out by him last weekend, I drove to a restaurant so we could get dinner to eat at the little bonfire we were having at his place. Right away, he said, “I can tell you’re really nervous about driving with me in the car. You don’t have to be nervous.”

I’m always nervous. It’s like if I get relaxed, I start missing details. I get sloppy and things get away from me.

I think he wants me to find my balance, mostly because he knows that’s what I want. Because he’s my motherfucking mind reader and he already figured it out.

Honestly, I think I like that about him. A lot. I don’t have to hold back because he’s going to figure it out anyway. I’m not “too difficult.” I’m just me.

And, fuck, it feels so good.

I wish I had been ready for him when he first came around about four years ago. But I am a much different, more mature woman now… and that wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for my ex-friend. Maybe everything really happens for a reason.

On that note, I am sending myself to bed.

Until next time,

Kels

Getting Back in Order

It’s weird to be coming on here after 10 pm and realizing that I will still be at work this time tomorrow.

Seriously, so weird. I mean, I’ve worked retail for over a decade, and the idea of that being my normal schedule still weirds me out. Honestly, having a normal schedule weirds me out.

That doesn’t mean I’m not appreciative. It’s also kind of fucking awesome.

Hopefully I won’t be changing my tune tomorrow, but I tend to have a decent attitude most of the time.

I do know one thing, though. It will definitely be better not having to deal with the toxic people from my last job. Maybe this job will have a few, too, but I’m wise enough to be able to say no. don’t want to have to leave this job because I made the choice of “dating” a man who apparently didn’t want me for anything more than a quick bang.

Yeah, I think I still have a little bit of residual resentment. A little towards me but I think mostly out of disappointment. He wasn’t supposed to be like his dad, and yet, that’s exactly what I got.

All I can do is keep getting back up. I have to keep going, you know?

I think I want to make a legitimate goal list. That requires a lot of thinking on my part. I don’t know when it happened, but I sort of became complacent in accepting my life as a failure.

That’s where a lot of my pessimism started. I cultivated this idea that I was a failure, that I didn’t deserve better or should strive for much… because that made me selfish.

I think I’m falling into that trap again. Someone is definitely trying to help keep me out. I have to do more work to keep myself out, though.

Perhaps this goal list is a good idea. Maybe I can work on small changes to get my life back in order. This is a start, I think.

Kels

I’m Baack!!

Hi guys,

Yeah, I sort of disappeared for a few days… Maybe over a week. I could check but eh. Either way, I was gone, and I apologize for sort of just dropping off without an explanation.

Here’s what’s been happening. I finished off at the first job that pays the bills. My last day was August 26th. I nearly cried because I do sort of miss it. However, I don’t regret running away. Having to be around such a toxic person on a regular basis would have destroyed me. It already was to an extent.

I went to visit man that may be future boyfriend. Ultimately, I broke down to him and began to feel everything I was trying not to hold back. The betrayal of losing my best friend, the cold and narcissistic prick that I trusted with every bit of my poor, fragile heart.

The funny thing is that because of that conversation, I do realize that it is ok for me to think that I deserved better. Because I fucking did. And he was selfish and arrogant and truly abusive. Not verging on it… fucking full course emotionally abusive. I’m not his apologist anymore. I’m not his defender. He needs to become a man on his own.

I couldn’t save him, and that sucks.

So now I’m free, and honestly, it feels good. I’m currently enjoying an actual three day weekend without having to work every single day. I start working full-time at the new job that pays the bills on Tuesday. Apparently overtime is very normal, so I can expect to be putting in a lot of hours, especially as the holidays are approaching.

In fantastic news for my finances, I am now sitting on a little over $500 less in debt. $506.37 less to be exact. That’s right. The pendulum is starting to swing back. Also, on Friday, I paid off one credit card, freeing up $27 a month, since I believe that was the minimum I had to pay on that card.

Also, yesterday, I was able to actually use my debit card to pay for over half my groceries. Yes, over half, which means I am actually figuring out how to use my money as I have it rather than tacking on more to have to pay off in interest.

Possible future boyfriend has really been helpful in my life. He is trying to help me focus on what can make me happy, on making my life less drama and more of the life I want to have. Maybe one day I will be able to appropriately thank him for the way he is helping me out.

Maybe I’m finally getting the shit I deserve out of life. Who fucking knew.

Kels

Tough Girls Get Pessimistic Too

I get nervous about waiting for things and sometimes, I worry about things falling through on me. This job situation is one thing because I get scared that I won’t have a back-up plan.

The thing about me is that I am terrified of failure. Like, probably more than most people. I have this default mode of being afraid of things, because the minute I let my guard down is the minute that things fail.

Ex-friend is an example. When I kissed him that night, that was me letting my guard down. I put the walls back up once he decided he couldn’t be with me. Why? 

Because I was rejected. Because it hurt and I was proven right about all the things that were wrong with me. 

It does make me a pessimist and I am trying to get beyond that feeling. I really am. Sometimes, though, you have to feel that. You have to accept that you are scared and it is from past grievances fucking you up in nearly irreparable ways.

But I still am optimistic enough to get my ass out of bed, even when I don’t want to. I don’t take everything lying down.

Hopeful future boyfriend gave me the best compliment today. He said I am tough. I thanked him because sometimes, all I see are the ways I fell apart. When I told him that, he said that the fact that I am still here is proof that I am tough. 

Ex-friend created this doubt in me. That I am weak, sad, miserable, broken, stupid, pathetic. This guy seems adamant about breaking that. I hope he does. 

I did feel guilty about calling my ex-friend abusive… But the thing is… I was right. And I am now recovering from that mess. 

Broken things don’t always come back together perfectly the first time. Sometimes you have to keep rearranging the pieces.

Kels

Some Last Times Are Good

Tomorrow is my last 4 am start for the foreseeable future. I am fucking excited. Seriously. This is going to be fantastic to be able to sleep in. 

Oh and the best part is that I can get insurance through this employment agency. So I won’t be uninsured for more than maybe a couple weeks? 

Things are starting to fall into place, I think. This will be a good move for me, and I’m starting to go, “Maybe everything will turn out ok this time.”

I’ve needed this feeling. For so long I’ve been in this shadow and it’s so god damn nice to not have to feel it.

I’m free.

Kels