I have not found a new job yet. Something keeps bothering me, as I sit awake at 11 pm on a work night, dreading the fact that I have to work another day with a cranky micromanager. She has moments where she isn’t awful, but she can be hard to work with. I’m not sure my confidence can handle. It is already shaky at best.

Also, we had these surveys and filling out my dream job has me a little worked up inside. Travel blogger was my answer. I like to write. I love to travel. Makes perfect fucking sense. It has been holding my brain hostage since. Which means there is a part of me that wants that… Or something like that.

My job is not what I would call an inspiring one. It’s a pay the bills one. I’m pragmatic enough to realize the importance of paying my bills.

However, there’s also the part of me that needs an escape from this dull shit that I call my day to day life. I want to hike the Grand Canyon and feel like a damn storybook. I’m not a storybook right now. It is fucking boring as hell.

Am I crossing into complainer mode? A bit. However, if I have proven anything to myself in the past two years, it is that I have the lady cajones to take a chance on shit. Even if it turns out to be a totally fucking regrettable disaster. At least I try.

Another discovery I’ve made is that I am obsessed with modernized Greek myths. There’s this comic online called Lore Olympus done by Rachel Smythe, and I am pretty sure I’ve read completely through to the current chapter at least three times.

I think because there’s something about the Hades character that makes me go, “Yes, where is the man that embodies what this iteration of Hades personifies?”

I have come to really enjoy my solitude over the past year or so, but once in a while, something like that tugs at my beaten up heartstrings. Then, I remember there’s still a bit of a romantic buried under the sarcasm and epic puns.

Until next time,

Kelsey

When Someone Makes the Decision Easy

Hey all,

I was having a rough week at work this week. And by rough… I mean ROUGH. You know, the weeks where nothing seems to go wrong, all your old ways start creeping in, and you start to think, “I am in over my head”?

Yup, that was the week that I came off of at work, and I’m hoping that it isn’t about to bleed into next week.

The crowning moment of that week? One of my coworkers yelling at me on the first account that I sent to him. When I asked if there was anything I could’ve done differently, he said, “It’s not your fault at all and there was no way for you to have known.”

I was nice to him, simply because I realized there was no point in escalating the situation. On the inside, however, I was FUMING. Don’t be treating me like garbage because things aren’t going right…

Everyone has a bad day. I get that. This particular individual, however, seems to take out his frustrations on his coworkers a lot, even if they are not responsible.

That lead me to thinking, and it lead me to draft a list of pros and cons on every job I’ve ever held for more than a couple months. By the way, if you’ve never done this, I highly suggest you do it. It helps you assess what you value out of your job, and, more importantly, how you rank those things in life.

I do believe that it’s important to make a living wage off your job. I also believe that if your only reasons to stay at a job revolve around the money generated from it, then you are honestly at a point in your life where you have nothing to lose by looking for another job.

At least I can say I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I also might be starting to love myself just enough that I realize what I’m willing to put myself through.

I feel like I should almost thank that guy for being a dick.

Until next time,

Kels

Dreams and Weird Beauty Things

All right people who love weird beauty shit… Today is for you.

So last Friday, I decided that I wanted to get myself something small to sort of “pamper” myself. I was at Walmart in the beauty section and I saw a peel foot mask. If you know what these are, you know what I’m likely going to talk about… If you don’t, and you get weird about human body things… I’d suggest you stop here and find the big, “HI, YOU CAN READ AGAIN SQUEAMISH BLOG FRIEND!”

See you in a bit, my squeamish ones…

Now… for the rest of you… I bought the Earth Therapeutics ones at Walmart. I think they were just under $3. If you haven’t done this before, it’s something like this:

You have these weird sort of papery-plastic (kind of like that shit you find in hospitals, where you’re not entirely sure you can determine the chemical composition… If you have no clue what I’m talking about, that’s fine, because I really don’t know how to describe it) booties. The instructions on the back said that they were supposed to have an opening to slip your feet into… Well, mine did not. I sat there for a good 5-10 minutes worrying about whether or not I’d be wasting $3 tearing these fuckers open.

Ultimately, I decided that it was probably more of a waste not to tear an opening in the top of the bootie/sock. Luckily, I was not a colossal failure and I could now slip my behemoth feet into these weird clinical socks with some really gooey aloe stuff going on the inside.

So, as people online suggested, I slipped a pair of oversized socks on top of these, which was probably good, since behemoth feet borderline Hulked out of those socks. Apparently, people with wide feet should accept that their duck feet are going to rip open the top a bit. That could also just be a Kelsey problem, as well.

Anyway, you are supposed to leave these suckers on for about 60-90 minutes. Being the overachiever I am, though, I wore them ALL NIGHT.

Yes, I fell asleep with them on by accident. Whoops.

So anyway, I took them off Saturday. Feet were a little softer, but nothing amazing. Sunday, nothing. Yesterday, it was like my feet went to their old ways… But today, TODAY my friends, I have seen the magic begin. I looked down at my feet after my shower (They suggest soaking daily… I kept hoping a shower was enough)… and we have peelng toes!!!

I mean, it’s fucking disgusting, but satisfying. It has that same appeal (Ha, pun!) as those Dr. Pimple Popper videos. Or her show. It’s like a “renewal” to me. I’m taking off this beaten, rough patch of skin, and I’m making it new. And if there’s something I love, it’s taking beaten, rough stuff and making it new.

So I will let you know in a couple days if I think they are amazing. They’re worth the hype right now, though!

 

 

HI, YOU CAN READ AGAIN SQUEAMISH BLOG FRIEND!

I told you I’d let you know. 🙂

I watched an amazing TED talk on YouTube yesterday. It’s always great when you find an amazing TED talk.

Go here if you want to see it for yourself.

I’m about 110% sure she’s a fucking genius. It got me thinking, though… What is my dream and what is keeping me from it? That’s currently my life homework, because there has to be SOMETHING I want. After all, I’m not a damn robot… I mean, if I am, they did a pretty damn good job fooling me.

What do you want? What’s stopping you? And who are your people who might be able to help you get there?

That’s some shit to think about, isn’t it..

And that’s 3 in a row. Boom.

Kels

Long Haul Paranoia

Well, well, well… 2 days in a row! What the hell is going on with me?! Ha!

Mostly, the need for the sort of “cheap therapy” that writing this can provide. Getting on here and writing really does help when I keep it as an important part of my process. And it truly is important to me. Often, I wish it was something more lucrative for me, but I always terrible at anticipating need for others… In the sense of, “How do I make a need work for me?”

I mean, I’m a big time people pleaser. I’m just shitty at using my people pleasing for my own advantage. Damn me for not being able to exploit others!!!

In all honesty, I don’t think that’s exploitation. It’s probably smart. I happen to have an overly guilty conscience for essentially no reason at all.

I’ve been starting to get headaches on a daily basis. Paranoia makes me think that it’s a tumor. Reality makes me believe it’s stress. My job is extremely stressful, and part of me has been sitting here wondering if it’s worth throwing myself in for the long haul. Of course, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that you have one foot out the door as soon as you start thinking that way. I might have to take that thought a little more seriously now that I’ve put it out in the universe like this. At least I’ve made it one review cycle, so some of that “resume paranoia” can subside.

I mean, I worked a job for 12 years and I’m only 33, but I still have that paranoia that I might screw up my resume by showing that I can’t commit to a job. If anything, I’ve probably shown the opposite.

Paranoia seems to be a running theme in this entry. Maybe paranoia is why I’m so damn stressed lately. At least it would give me some direction. Moody and sullen is just not enjoyable, so I’d like to get beyond this shit.

Do you think I can make it to three entries? We’ll find out!

Until next time,

Kels

Give Me More

I’m at another point of my life where I am wondering if I need to make a change. My job is ok, but it is just that… Ok. It’s not the most fulfilling or enjoyable. It pays the bills.

Should I settle for ok? Am I good with being the “ok” kind of person?

Part of me wants to go, “Sure, I am not into high expectations.”

In reality, no. I’m bored. I want more.

I’m still hungry for so much more. I am wanting a world with a lot more than what I have. This world isn’t what I need.

I find myself always wanting to be in that sweet spot between challenge and comfort. You know where you are pushed a little bit for growth but not so much that you feel like you’re drowning?

Currently, my job isn’t doing a very good job at keeping me in the sweet spot. The good news is I am coming up on a year there, so I am inching towards that point where I won’t look like a job hopper if I choose to look towards a different path.

It isn’t a bad job, and I would definitely say I am not failing at it. Maybe not doing fantastic, but not failing. I’m currently torn as to whether or not this is my industry. Honestly, I feel a lot of doubt that it is my industry.

I think I am also trying to think ahead though. What do I want out of this life? Is this going to get me there? Do I need to move my expectations up or down?

After settling for over a decade, I think I am now more restless than ever. I don’t want to get too settled into a job if I can help it.

Sometimes, though, that’s the problem with that internal hunger… It doesn’t always stay satisfied. I would never fucking go back to the alternative, but it isn’t always the easiest thing to live with either.

How do you deal with a hungry soul?

Well I Did the Disappearing Thing Again

I get so fucking mad at myself for it.

Yup, first sentence in after a hiatus already had some form of “fuck” in it. That’s how you know it’s a true Kelsey entry. Let us commence the update, shall we?

I am almost 33, I have been working my new job for almost 7 months, and I am actually not up to much else. Work and sort of stagnating.

I had to buy a new car. My poor darling jeep was getting noisy and sad. So now I have this sporty little blue sedan thing that was fairly reasonably priced and gives me some certainty that it will last more than 5 years. At least it damn well better.

My job was great at first. Fun, confidence building, and challenging but not too much. I was ready for the next step.

Then, they gave me a different department, and I am doing this bad thing. I don’t hate it, but I sure as hell don’t love it. I let them fucking inundate me with more and more new stuff. It is extremely uncomfortable, and while I am glad to get something new, I sure as hell shouldn’t feel like I am drowning in it.

I keep telling myself it will get easier. Even as I am tearing my eyebrows out because I need the release of tension welling up inside of me. I know that eyebrow pulling is my first warning sign that my anxiety is nearing the point that I cannot keep it in check.

Yet, I keep clamming up and saying, “No, it’s fine. I’m fine.”

Yeah, Kels, you always tear your eyebrows out when everything is fine. That’s not a reaction to nervous energy at all…

I don’t know why I have such a hard time admitting when things are not ok before they are absolute fucking chaos. Maybe pride because I don’t want to feel weak or inadequate.

Ok, that’s totally the fucking problem, but I am going to pretend like it just dawned on me.

I know myself a lot better than I think I realize sometimes. I’m just too busy ignoring it to admit that I am completely cognizant of the truth.

Denial… You can insert that river in Egypt pun here if you want. It crossed my mind, so that would give you the full Kelsey experience.

I forgot how much nicer it felt to write shit down. I mean, I’ve probably only scratched a tiny little section of the surface, but I’ll take it. Also, I know I should sleep.

Until the next one,

Kels

That Smile Can Bring Me to My Knees

Did you ever have a fairly specific item your perfect partner just HAD to have?

Mine was always about a smile. Specifically, my dream man was supposed to have the mischievous little boy grin. You know, the one where you know the wheels are turning and you’re wondering if it’s going to be a sweet gesture or a naughty one? Yeah, I always imagined my perfect man would have that smile.

Well, I realized I know a man who has it. I work with him right now, and every time, his face sort of lights up with it in the most adorable way. I am in love with his smile and the way his smile melts my heart.

But it’s not only the smile that has me thinking. He’s smart, in the understated way of being smart. As he put it in regards to his job, “I don’t make mistakes.”

And he doesn’t… Which is why he is smart. He plans it out. He calculates, he double checks, and he knows pretty much every possible way things should and should not work. I love that kind of man because that kind of man gives me room to be more spontaneous.

He’s extremely self-aware. One time, someone was trying to confuse another coworker and he went, “Come on. People already can’t understand me as it is.”

He was joking, but he was right. It has nothing to do with articulation. He is great at that. Volume is his downfall. His beautiful voice is always so quiet, and so, when you talk to him directly, in a noisy warehouse, you are hard-pressed to understand the words coming out of his mouth.

I also like the fact that I can read his face. I can see the exhaustion, the moodiness, the days when he isn’t feeling too bad. I also think there is so much more to him than this work persona, and I want to know the other parts.

Of course, maybe he is married or has a relationship. I’ve never seen him wear a ring or heard him talk about a significant other. But he could be an immensely private person. Even if every action he takes is practically that of a stereotypical bachelor.

I have four days to win this man over the way he is winning me. Maybe if someone hasn’t scooped him up, yet, I can take my shot.

If not, it just wasn’t meant to happen.

And I will miss that damn perfect smile of his.

Short Little Thing

I went to my old employer for the first time since I left in August. The ex-friend was there. I didn’t make an effort to approach him or anything.

I’ve realized how far I’ve come from this time last year, trying to get him to stop ignoring me. How healthy I am. How happy. How great it feels to have everything starting to fall into place the way it has needed to for a long time, now.

I’m doing great. I really am, and it is fucking fantastic.

Dear Sleep, You Can Show Up Any Time Now

The title sums up so much with me right now. It is about 1:30 A.M. when I am starting this entry, and while I am exhausted beyond fucking belief, I cannot seem to fall asleep.

There are some interesting things going on. I have an interview for a potential new job on Thursday. It is an office position, which I am not sure if I will enjoy it or not. I am in a much different mental space than I was the last time I took an office job.

Part of me is sad to leave the current job though. I don’t like the hours, and sometimes people get a bit condescending. But they do trust me with a lot of stuff now. However, I am getting paid less doing the same work as company employees. They get all sorts of benefits, and here I am, still waiting for the next hiring event 5 months after becoming eligible.

I mean, technically they had one in September, but then they withdrew it. The contract is 2 years and there’s no guarantee that I will be hired, no matter how good or bad I am (based on feedback, I will say I’m good at the job).

So I don’t necessarily want to leave, but I don’t want to keep waiting for something that isn’t guaranteed to happen by the end of 2 years. At this point, I would like something more stable than that. I have to do what’s best for me, right?

Speaking of, the guy is still not talking to me since I went at him about wanting less advice and more conversation. Maybe he is afraid to confront me. Maybe he is tired of me. I don’t want to have to keep starting this conversation for him to keep ignoring it. I’m too old for that shit.

So instead, I guess I’m in limbo. Or maybe I’m definitely single. I don’t know.

Well, I am going to attempt this sleep thing and hope I can get at least 5 or 6 hours tonight. Wish me luck.

Kels

I want to be fully honest about all my feelings. Sometimes I wish he would call or text, say he was sorry he was a dick. Tell me he did care and that it still bothers him that he shredded our closeness over rumors.

I do still love him and I miss the good about him. Of course, I’m still so sure of the fact that he is an asshole and he hurts me. I’m not delusional, after all. But sometimes, I do wish for that conversation I know I will never get because he would have to grow up. And that is something that I don’t think he is capable of doing.

I also found out I might have to throw myself out into the job hunting market again. While the words, “we’re not hiring permanent employees” never left the lips of the manager, I did hear the phrase, “We are at a good permanent to temp ratio.” To me, that is the same as, “We aren’t hiring.”

The beauty is that this job has given me the confidence to realize that while I might not be the fastest person, I am a very competent person. I absorb new information like a sponge and take pride in doing my job well, no matter what it is. So I am going to find a job that wants to nurture that fucking gift.

Also, I am not sure what is going with me and the man, but I really am starting to get the sense that we are about to steer towards an ending.

He is the “typical man who wants to give advice” all the time. And advice can be good… But it can also be really fucking insulting when you aren’t asking for it. For instance, when I am trying to tell him a story about my uncle calling the most recent mass shooting a “hoax,” this guy asks why I have to contradict him by questioning my uncle’s opinion. I tell him how uncle comments on an article I posted on Facebook and he then asks if it’s my article… Which is the exact way he gets when he is about to tell me what he would’ve done…

I finally told him I want to be trusted to do my own thing and not have to get unsolicited advice all the time. As nicely as I could, which in Kelsey speak means I didn’t swear, haha. Well, I probably did once or twice, but that’s a fucking accomplishment in Kelsey speak.

Well, he hasn’t said a word since, which means he probably doesn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry, I never thought of it that way because I don’t mean it that way,” would’ve been a great start though. And I’d respect that. Seriously. But I am not going to ignore things that bother the hell out of me for the sake of peace. I’m too old for that shit and the ripe young age of 32… 🙂

Really though, these are small bumps in the road. I can live with this shit. I can move on and change them if necessary. It doesn’t scare me anymore. If anything, I’m hungry for the new adventure to see exactly what I can get out of this life.

So I will keep you all posted as life continues along this path.

Kels