Stuff Everywhere

Hi everyone,

It is long time I checked in with you all. It has been a while. Inspiration just struck me, so I wanted to write about this while it is sort of marinating in my brain.

I am very good at accumulating stuff. Not just stuff I use… But the “Oh this is a great deal, maybe I will use it someday when blah blah blah happens.”

That is compounded with this horrible habit of not using stuff up to the bottom. Using stuff up makes me feel guilty. I think partly because I hear my dad in my head throwing a fit that something is gone, so I have a behavioral pattern that is saying something along the lines of, “Hey, if you use this up, you are going to be in trouble.”

Which, my dad is likely not going to want to use flower scented lotions or products designed for long curly hair… Nevertheless, I struggle to get the rational Kelsey to put that out there.

Actually, I think it is beyond guilt… It’s fear. I am afraid of the trouble I might cause myself. Honestly, that offshoots to my entire life. I am always afraid of trouble or the severe punishment on the other side. The belittlement. And then the guilt trip or the fact that this is “all in my head.”

I know it’s not but I still fear this.

I’ve been sort of diving head first into some of those westernized eastern ideas. Mostly the idea that your environment shapes your mental and emotional state. I look at my bedroom and I think, “This is a fucking storage room. This is not a place for me to seek escape, joy, and solace from the outside world.”

“You fucking deserve at least a little sliver of happiness Kels.”

That’s something new going on with me. I am starting to realize I deserve to have some sort of joy and comfort in my life. Right now, my bedroom is the place I want to provide that. It isn’t.

I want to scale back to the bare bones in here. Like somehow just taking everything out, destroying it, and coming back new might give me the kind of fresh rebirth I am vying for right now. To be some sort of superficial version of the phoenix.

I mean, it can’t hurt anything, and I feel like there is something rewarding when you take everything back to your basics and start over. Maybe it’s long overdue for me.

Until the next time friends,

Kelsey

Happy Birthday to Me

I am 32 years old. Wow.

I don’t necessarily know how to put that number into perspective with where I am in life. I don’t. Of course, maybe that isn’t a bad thing.

I like this new guy but today, part of me kept hoping an old friend would send a text. I wanted him to go, “Hey, I thought of you. Happy birthday old friend.”

He won’t. Because he’s more stubborn and more of an asshole than me. And it still makes me angry. 

I’ve started to embrace the reality that I may never stop loving him. That a piece of my heart will linger on him and I will feel a bit of sadness for that bit being unrequited. Because I deserved to be loved in return.

Can you have that feeling and love someone else? Maybe not with that same timbre played on your heartstrings… But still love them? I’m sort of hoping so because I want to have that in my life. I want to make the choice to love and care for someone who deserves my affection. Most importantly, he also returns it. 

I did write up 32 goals in honor of being 32. Basically, I took the wellness wheel with 8 sections, and I put 4 goals into each. I don’t know if I would consider it fucking gospel, but they are things to bear in mind as I venture through this next year of life.

It’s likely the first full one in a while without Luke. I think I am a little scared of that. But, I am also freer than I have ever been. That is a beautiful thing that can only lead to beautiful things. 

Lets see what this year has in store for me.

Kels

Getting It All Together

Hello,

Yes, I keep disappearing. I think I am FINALLY adjusting to this whole second shift schedule. It’s kind of weird. In a way, I like it, because I don’t have to get up immediately and get ready for work.

Of course, I’m not freakin’ getting out of bed until noon. Oops. Haha.

Anyway, I’m slowly getting back into the notion that I want to work on my health in all aspects. I want to get me back. Because me before Luke was great.

God, that’s the first time I put his name here. I didn’t call him “ex-friend.” Luke. There’s a lot of them so it’s not like you can hunt him down based on that little tidbit.

At moments, his name still feels easy rolling off my tongue. Something about it always felt so comfortable and natural. I’ve known other Lukes in the past, and I will say the same thing. The name just feels good rolling off my tongue.

Maybe that’s why I held on to him so fucking hard. Because it felt like it was supposed to work. Like I was supposed to be the woman that saved him. I wasn’t. He wouldn’t let me, and try as I might, I couldn’t and shouldn’t have tried to make him let me in.

This week, they played the sort of 80s/90s hybrid station at work. So it was a lot of the shit I heard on the radio growing up. Tears for Fears kept playing. In particular, a song he loves: Head Over Heels.

The fortunate thing about my job is it has a good amount of alone time. A brief desire to cry swept over me. I didn’t, though, because I realized I was done feeling sorry for me and for him. I think they call that “acceptance.”

My mourning phase is done and I don’t wish ill on him. I think part of me will always love him. But I’m cognizant of the fact that I deserve much better than him.

I don’t deserve a narcissist who won’t let go of his internal self-loathing. I can’t love someone hard enough if he cannot find any part of himself to love on his own.

I have to thank him though. If it weren’t for our falling out, and my desperate low, I wouldn’t have found the strength to go, “You know what? I need to leave.”

I would have stuck to that same dead end job and continued to try to drive myself crazy to be the woman he could love. My life never would have moved forward and I would’ve been trapped in this downward spiral.

I wouldn’t have spent hours listening to videos about core confidence and building myself up. I wouldn’t be redeveloping myself as a complex human being with many interests and hobbies. I wouldn’t have goals and dreams and aspirations that didn’t somehow revolve around winning him over.

I turn 32 on the 26th of this month. I’ve decided to create 32 goals to celebrate me. They revolve around helping me rediscover the woman I know and love, that deserves to be known and loved.

I’m back bitches.

Kels

Updating Since I Went MIA Again

I’m going to start with three good things I did today:

1. I managed to get one large bag of clothes out of my house, which will be donated tomorrow. Well, I guess today as I write this entry.
2. I balanced my checkbook, and made an additional payment towards one of my credit cards. Although it’s a credit card I will probably be using tomorrow, I think I might’ve paid more than I will spend tomorrow. That’s the goal, at least.
3. I had a rather tasty “cheesy cauliflower breadstick.” They don’t taste like breadsticks, but they are a delicious food to enjoy when you don’t want to dedicate 3000 calories to the sheer number of breadsticks you could eat in one sitting.

I’ve been in training the past two weeks. The new job is a little overwhelming. I mean, that’s going to happen any time you’re the “new girl.” It’s a hard thing for me to stomach because I’m used to really knowing what I’m doing.

It’s also a bit overwhelming to be working at least 40 hours at one place, and doing it second shift at that. I kind of wish I was working mornings, but this second shift thing really isn’t that bad. Plus, I live about five minutes away, so that’s nice.

Also, I spent some time with the guy in my life. I don’t know what we are, and maybe that makes me a little nervous. At the same time, he’s my biggest cheerleader, a source of positive energy, and we have a really good time together.

He also seems to understand me. In this scary, “can read my mind,” sort of way. When I was out by him last weekend, I drove to a restaurant so we could get dinner to eat at the little bonfire we were having at his place. Right away, he said, “I can tell you’re really nervous about driving with me in the car. You don’t have to be nervous.”

I’m always nervous. It’s like if I get relaxed, I start missing details. I get sloppy and things get away from me.

I think he wants me to find my balance, mostly because he knows that’s what I want. Because he’s my motherfucking mind reader and he already figured it out.

Honestly, I think I like that about him. A lot. I don’t have to hold back because he’s going to figure it out anyway. I’m not “too difficult.” I’m just me.

And, fuck, it feels so good.

I wish I had been ready for him when he first came around about four years ago. But I am a much different, more mature woman now… and that wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for my ex-friend. Maybe everything really happens for a reason.

On that note, I am sending myself to bed.

Until next time,

Kels

Getting Back in Order

It’s weird to be coming on here after 10 pm and realizing that I will still be at work this time tomorrow.

Seriously, so weird. I mean, I’ve worked retail for over a decade, and the idea of that being my normal schedule still weirds me out. Honestly, having a normal schedule weirds me out.

That doesn’t mean I’m not appreciative. It’s also kind of fucking awesome.

Hopefully I won’t be changing my tune tomorrow, but I tend to have a decent attitude most of the time.

I do know one thing, though. It will definitely be better not having to deal with the toxic people from my last job. Maybe this job will have a few, too, but I’m wise enough to be able to say no. don’t want to have to leave this job because I made the choice of “dating” a man who apparently didn’t want me for anything more than a quick bang.

Yeah, I think I still have a little bit of residual resentment. A little towards me but I think mostly out of disappointment. He wasn’t supposed to be like his dad, and yet, that’s exactly what I got.

All I can do is keep getting back up. I have to keep going, you know?

I think I want to make a legitimate goal list. That requires a lot of thinking on my part. I don’t know when it happened, but I sort of became complacent in accepting my life as a failure.

That’s where a lot of my pessimism started. I cultivated this idea that I was a failure, that I didn’t deserve better or should strive for much… because that made me selfish.

I think I’m falling into that trap again. Someone is definitely trying to help keep me out. I have to do more work to keep myself out, though.

Perhaps this goal list is a good idea. Maybe I can work on small changes to get my life back in order. This is a start, I think.

Kels

I’m Baack!!

Hi guys,

Yeah, I sort of disappeared for a few days… Maybe over a week. I could check but eh. Either way, I was gone, and I apologize for sort of just dropping off without an explanation.

Here’s what’s been happening. I finished off at the first job that pays the bills. My last day was August 26th. I nearly cried because I do sort of miss it. However, I don’t regret running away. Having to be around such a toxic person on a regular basis would have destroyed me. It already was to an extent.

I went to visit man that may be future boyfriend. Ultimately, I broke down to him and began to feel everything I was trying not to hold back. The betrayal of losing my best friend, the cold and narcissistic prick that I trusted with every bit of my poor, fragile heart.

The funny thing is that because of that conversation, I do realize that it is ok for me to think that I deserved better. Because I fucking did. And he was selfish and arrogant and truly abusive. Not verging on it… fucking full course emotionally abusive. I’m not his apologist anymore. I’m not his defender. He needs to become a man on his own.

I couldn’t save him, and that sucks.

So now I’m free, and honestly, it feels good. I’m currently enjoying an actual three day weekend without having to work every single day. I start working full-time at the new job that pays the bills on Tuesday. Apparently overtime is very normal, so I can expect to be putting in a lot of hours, especially as the holidays are approaching.

In fantastic news for my finances, I am now sitting on a little over $500 less in debt. $506.37 less to be exact. That’s right. The pendulum is starting to swing back. Also, on Friday, I paid off one credit card, freeing up $27 a month, since I believe that was the minimum I had to pay on that card.

Also, yesterday, I was able to actually use my debit card to pay for over half my groceries. Yes, over half, which means I am actually figuring out how to use my money as I have it rather than tacking on more to have to pay off in interest.

Possible future boyfriend has really been helpful in my life. He is trying to help me focus on what can make me happy, on making my life less drama and more of the life I want to have. Maybe one day I will be able to appropriately thank him for the way he is helping me out.

Maybe I’m finally getting the shit I deserve out of life. Who fucking knew.

Kels

Tough Girls Get Pessimistic Too

I get nervous about waiting for things and sometimes, I worry about things falling through on me. This job situation is one thing because I get scared that I won’t have a back-up plan.

The thing about me is that I am terrified of failure. Like, probably more than most people. I have this default mode of being afraid of things, because the minute I let my guard down is the minute that things fail.

Ex-friend is an example. When I kissed him that night, that was me letting my guard down. I put the walls back up once he decided he couldn’t be with me. Why? 

Because I was rejected. Because it hurt and I was proven right about all the things that were wrong with me. 

It does make me a pessimist and I am trying to get beyond that feeling. I really am. Sometimes, though, you have to feel that. You have to accept that you are scared and it is from past grievances fucking you up in nearly irreparable ways.

But I still am optimistic enough to get my ass out of bed, even when I don’t want to. I don’t take everything lying down.

Hopeful future boyfriend gave me the best compliment today. He said I am tough. I thanked him because sometimes, all I see are the ways I fell apart. When I told him that, he said that the fact that I am still here is proof that I am tough. 

Ex-friend created this doubt in me. That I am weak, sad, miserable, broken, stupid, pathetic. This guy seems adamant about breaking that. I hope he does. 

I did feel guilty about calling my ex-friend abusive… But the thing is… I was right. And I am now recovering from that mess. 

Broken things don’t always come back together perfectly the first time. Sometimes you have to keep rearranging the pieces.

Kels

Hurry Up with This Job Thing Universe!!

I’m still waiting on news as to whether or not I have a full time job coming up. It is making me nervous. My hopeful future boyfriend is still telling me that I need to focus my attention elsewhere because there’s nothing I can do.

Sure that’s true, but I have to have a plan. I don’t do well without a plan or at least an idea of what I can do when shit fails. 

Maybe that’s from being fucked over so many times. I used to be spontaneous, and willing to just jump into things. But things happened to me and all the sudden, spontaneity meant getting hurt or getting in trouble. The excitement died. 

Plus, with my financial situation, I am scared to be navigating without a security blanket. He says it’s fine and lots of people do it. But I don’t want to accept that. I want to figure out how to have that blanket. I want an emergency fund with at least 6 months of expenses so when shit goes south, I don’t have to panic. 

I don’t think that’s unreasonable to want. It does make me wonder if he should be hopeful future boyfriend. I don’t want to be that casual about money. I want someone who will be interested in being financially sound, if not for our lives but our eventual children’s lives. 

Of course, he is right that I need to not freak out. If anything, I will get a new job. I just hope it doesn’t come to needing a new job and me having to desperately take the first one I get. 

Kels

Veiled Eclipse and Nerves

The solar eclipse was kind of a bust where I live. We sort of had a chance to see it, but the cloud cover kept it covered for a good portion of time. Needless to say, it was sadly a bit underwhelming. 

I am continuing on my ignore my ex-friend rampage. He threw a temper tantrum at work today, and the supervisor called him out for his really bad attitude. I’m glad someone did, because no matter how damaged a person is, they do not need to act with such minimal maturity. 

I’m also still waiting on becoming full time. It’s making me nervous that I still haven’t heard anything and I’m hoping to switch over by next week. What if I jumped the gun and now I’m about to be back in a paycheck bind?

Sure, it might not be too hard for me to find another part-time job. Or hell, maybe with all this free time, I can manage to find a full time job I will enjoy. I was really hoping to have this all settled by now. 

Hopeful future boyfriend keeps telling me to not get upset, that things will work out fine and I will soon regret being so worked up about this. I hope he’s right because I would love it if life could throw me some good shit.

After the debacle I threw myself in with my ex-friend, I could really use some easy, beautiful life.

Kels

Tired of Poison

So yeah, I didn’t write an entry yesterday. I feel bad about it. 

The reason? I was with hopeful future boyfriend. He got into my brain and got to things I didn’t want to admit even to myself. 

My dad is being a dick. I hate him. He thinks I act like I know everything. In reality, I just don’t want his arrogance to hurt others. Because being an arrogant dick does hurt others. 

He won’t accept that. He will continue to be a narcissistic bitch for the rest of his life… Just like someone else I used to know. Idiots. 

It will be so good to get out of here. This house is poison. I’m so tired of just taking it.