Dreams and Weird Beauty Things

All right people who love weird beauty shit… Today is for you.

So last Friday, I decided that I wanted to get myself something small to sort of “pamper” myself. I was at Walmart in the beauty section and I saw a peel foot mask. If you know what these are, you know what I’m likely going to talk about… If you don’t, and you get weird about human body things… I’d suggest you stop here and find the big, “HI, YOU CAN READ AGAIN SQUEAMISH BLOG FRIEND!”

See you in a bit, my squeamish ones…

Now… for the rest of you… I bought the Earth Therapeutics ones at Walmart. I think they were just under $3. If you haven’t done this before, it’s something like this:

You have these weird sort of papery-plastic (kind of like that shit you find in hospitals, where you’re not entirely sure you can determine the chemical composition… If you have no clue what I’m talking about, that’s fine, because I really don’t know how to describe it) booties. The instructions on the back said that they were supposed to have an opening to slip your feet into… Well, mine did not. I sat there for a good 5-10 minutes worrying about whether or not I’d be wasting $3 tearing these fuckers open.

Ultimately, I decided that it was probably more of a waste not to tear an opening in the top of the bootie/sock. Luckily, I was not a colossal failure and I could now slip my behemoth feet into these weird clinical socks with some really gooey aloe stuff going on the inside.

So, as people online suggested, I slipped a pair of oversized socks on top of these, which was probably good, since behemoth feet borderline Hulked out of those socks. Apparently, people with wide feet should accept that their duck feet are going to rip open the top a bit. That could also just be a Kelsey problem, as well.

Anyway, you are supposed to leave these suckers on for about 60-90 minutes. Being the overachiever I am, though, I wore them ALL NIGHT.

Yes, I fell asleep with them on by accident. Whoops.

So anyway, I took them off Saturday. Feet were a little softer, but nothing amazing. Sunday, nothing. Yesterday, it was like my feet went to their old ways… But today, TODAY my friends, I have seen the magic begin. I looked down at my feet after my shower (They suggest soaking daily… I kept hoping a shower was enough)… and we have peelng toes!!!

I mean, it’s fucking disgusting, but satisfying. It has that same appeal (Ha, pun!) as those Dr. Pimple Popper videos. Or her show. It’s like a “renewal” to me. I’m taking off this beaten, rough patch of skin, and I’m making it new. And if there’s something I love, it’s taking beaten, rough stuff and making it new.

So I will let you know in a couple days if I think they are amazing. They’re worth the hype right now, though!

 

 

HI, YOU CAN READ AGAIN SQUEAMISH BLOG FRIEND!

I told you I’d let you know. 🙂

I watched an amazing TED talk on YouTube yesterday. It’s always great when you find an amazing TED talk.

Go here if you want to see it for yourself.

I’m about 110% sure she’s a fucking genius. It got me thinking, though… What is my dream and what is keeping me from it? That’s currently my life homework, because there has to be SOMETHING I want. After all, I’m not a damn robot… I mean, if I am, they did a pretty damn good job fooling me.

What do you want? What’s stopping you? And who are your people who might be able to help you get there?

That’s some shit to think about, isn’t it..

And that’s 3 in a row. Boom.

Kels

Relapse

My typical MO when writing these blogs is to write out the entry and then pop back and go, “What do I think my theme is in this entry? What am I trying to convey here?” Sometimes they’re a little quirky, but I enjoy them.

Today, I knew the title before I even began to type on my fancy new rainbow glowing keyboard (more on that later)… I have relapsed.. well, sort of.

Let me explain. At my core, I am not a pessimist. At all. For the most part, I am always hopeful about my future improving… If I just put in the work. However, I have Present Kelsey to contend with, and Present Kelsey is the problem.

You see, Present Kelsey (I’m calling her PK for now on because I don’t feel like typing that out each time, as much as I enjoy the clacking of the keys beneath my fingers), is kind of a pain in my ass right now. PK is kind of miserable and lethargic. She’s always “too tired” or making up any reason to say she can’t. PK knows this is a problem in the back of her mind.

Recent Past Kelsey, or RPK, got a review at work recently. She had to write a self-evaluation. You know what RPK was told? She deserves to have confidence in herself because she’s doing a pretty damn good job.

All the Kelseys agree that this is a massive fucking problem. It’s up to PK to be fixing it, because, let’s face it… Of all the Kelseys, PK has the most control of the situation. PK knows this.

Yet, PK is still struggling. RPK got invited to go to an event in a couple weeks. That version of PK wasn’t sure because she isn’t sure how FK (Yeah, Future Kelsey) is going to feel about going to something on a work night and probably being there until 9:30 or 10:00 pm. It will probably be fun, but work requires a lot of mental acuity. A lack of sleep could diminish that and then that will lead to a bad day at work.

See the problem? I do, too. I’m letting the “what if” dictate so much, and I think that’s probably the toughest part of everything for me. I know EXACTLY what I am doing, and I know that I need to break the cycles. Here I am, not breaking those cycles, knowing exactly what I need to do, but not doing it all the same.

Does anyone else have that problem and get frustrated with yourself, too? How do you cope with that? How do you fight that present version of yourself that likes to talk you out of everything that could probably help you change for the better if you would just let it? I mean, I get assessing risk, and I’m sure that’s part of the equation. PK’s risk meter is fucking ridiculous, and I don’t want to lose the hope that FK has.

Basically, I need to draw up a map of Operation Counter-Sabotage PK. What should my map look like? What tools can help so I can try to figure out if they’re in my mental toolkit? How do you keep yourself accountable?

That’s what is on my mind today as I stare at a full hamper of dirty clothes and a full basket of clean ones. I definitely feel fortunate to have that problem at least. 🙂

Until next time,

Kels

Stuff Everywhere

Hi everyone,

It is long time I checked in with you all. It has been a while. Inspiration just struck me, so I wanted to write about this while it is sort of marinating in my brain.

I am very good at accumulating stuff. Not just stuff I use… But the “Oh this is a great deal, maybe I will use it someday when blah blah blah happens.”

That is compounded with this horrible habit of not using stuff up to the bottom. Using stuff up makes me feel guilty. I think partly because I hear my dad in my head throwing a fit that something is gone, so I have a behavioral pattern that is saying something along the lines of, “Hey, if you use this up, you are going to be in trouble.”

Which, my dad is likely not going to want to use flower scented lotions or products designed for long curly hair… Nevertheless, I struggle to get the rational Kelsey to put that out there.

Actually, I think it is beyond guilt… It’s fear. I am afraid of the trouble I might cause myself. Honestly, that offshoots to my entire life. I am always afraid of trouble or the severe punishment on the other side. The belittlement. And then the guilt trip or the fact that this is “all in my head.”

I know it’s not but I still fear this.

I’ve been sort of diving head first into some of those westernized eastern ideas. Mostly the idea that your environment shapes your mental and emotional state. I look at my bedroom and I think, “This is a fucking storage room. This is not a place for me to seek escape, joy, and solace from the outside world.”

“You fucking deserve at least a little sliver of happiness Kels.”

That’s something new going on with me. I am starting to realize I deserve to have some sort of joy and comfort in my life. Right now, my bedroom is the place I want to provide that. It isn’t.

I want to scale back to the bare bones in here. Like somehow just taking everything out, destroying it, and coming back new might give me the kind of fresh rebirth I am vying for right now. To be some sort of superficial version of the phoenix.

I mean, it can’t hurt anything, and I feel like there is something rewarding when you take everything back to your basics and start over. Maybe it’s long overdue for me.

Until the next time friends,

Kelsey

I want to be fully honest about all my feelings. Sometimes I wish he would call or text, say he was sorry he was a dick. Tell me he did care and that it still bothers him that he shredded our closeness over rumors.

I do still love him and I miss the good about him. Of course, I’m still so sure of the fact that he is an asshole and he hurts me. I’m not delusional, after all. But sometimes, I do wish for that conversation I know I will never get because he would have to grow up. And that is something that I don’t think he is capable of doing.

I also found out I might have to throw myself out into the job hunting market again. While the words, “we’re not hiring permanent employees” never left the lips of the manager, I did hear the phrase, “We are at a good permanent to temp ratio.” To me, that is the same as, “We aren’t hiring.”

The beauty is that this job has given me the confidence to realize that while I might not be the fastest person, I am a very competent person. I absorb new information like a sponge and take pride in doing my job well, no matter what it is. So I am going to find a job that wants to nurture that fucking gift.

Also, I am not sure what is going with me and the man, but I really am starting to get the sense that we are about to steer towards an ending.

He is the “typical man who wants to give advice” all the time. And advice can be good… But it can also be really fucking insulting when you aren’t asking for it. For instance, when I am trying to tell him a story about my uncle calling the most recent mass shooting a “hoax,” this guy asks why I have to contradict him by questioning my uncle’s opinion. I tell him how uncle comments on an article I posted on Facebook and he then asks if it’s my article… Which is the exact way he gets when he is about to tell me what he would’ve done…

I finally told him I want to be trusted to do my own thing and not have to get unsolicited advice all the time. As nicely as I could, which in Kelsey speak means I didn’t swear, haha. Well, I probably did once or twice, but that’s a fucking accomplishment in Kelsey speak.

Well, he hasn’t said a word since, which means he probably doesn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry, I never thought of it that way because I don’t mean it that way,” would’ve been a great start though. And I’d respect that. Seriously. But I am not going to ignore things that bother the hell out of me for the sake of peace. I’m too old for that shit and the ripe young age of 32… 🙂

Really though, these are small bumps in the road. I can live with this shit. I can move on and change them if necessary. It doesn’t scare me anymore. If anything, I’m hungry for the new adventure to see exactly what I can get out of this life.

So I will keep you all posted as life continues along this path.

Kels

Drying Out Like a Prune, Man

I am learning that my job might be the biggest cause of my dry hair and skin. Well, doubling with the fact that it is now cold and dry up here in Illinois.

Needless to say, everything is either dry, chapped, cracking, or all of the above, really.

As I’ve mentioned the past couple of days, I have a remedy for the hair. Since it seems to be helping, I can safely say this: Thank you hair oils. Moroccan and coconut oil tend to be my favorites.

Now it’s on to the skin. I’m trying to lotion my hands nightly now. It’s sort of dual purpose because my hands are usually quite sore from the day. I never thought of how much grasping can tire out your poor hands. But boy, does it tire them out when you do it for 8 hours a day… minimum.

Oh, and I keep a tube of lip balm on me because my poor upper lip has been permanently chapped for the past two weeks or so. Like most everything in my life, I struggle to find that balance.

Oh and I’m running a humidifier. I’m so glad those fuckers exist because my poor dry nose would probably be in perpetual nosebleed mode if it weren’t for the joys of a humidifier.

It’s all a learning curve, though, and I am continually working at it. That’s all I can do, right?

In good news, though.. I will be able to go to bed before 2:00 A.M, so that will be nice.

Until tomorrow,

Kels

Validation

Do you ever get to the point where life feels busy but you know you could have time?

Yeah, that’s where I am lately.

This keeps falling by the wayside. I tell myself it is because I am tired, because I work more than 8 hours a day more often than I’d like.

But I spend fucking hours on YouTube. Or at least an hour hitting the snooze button. Hell, sometimes two hours.

That’s where I’m losing time, and I know it.

Does admitting that I’m fucking this up mean I’m being unkind to myself for going, “The fuck, Kelsey… Get your shit together!”

Because part of me is frustrated that I spend hours hitting the snooze, or dedicating myself to nothing but watching TV and passive shit that I don’t really enjoy but allows me to escape the pressure. Pressure of failure, of success, of being the god damn adult that I am and keeping up on my responsibilities.

Maybe I’m tough because deep down… I have this confidence that is screaming, “You are so much better than this and you keep letting yourself down.” Meanwhile, I have the other side going, “Bitch, don’t be so arrogant and think you’re some god damn special snowflake out to change the world. Be realistic here.”

It’s like I have this double life in my head. I have this confident, sassy, awesome woman who I know deserves all the praise in the world… and then I have the self-deprecating, self-loathing, but also well-meaning voice of “stay humble.”

But sometimes the “humility” side isn’t so nice about wanting me to practice humility.

Is that a human struggle, though? Figuring out how to toe the line between being the arrogant dick of the world and the Negative Nelly… Because that golden spot in the middle? I know that’s that shit people call “confidence.”

For instance, with this… I often think, “nobody gives a fuck. Why are you writing a blog thinking your opinion has absolute Messiah-level value for this planet? Is it really something you are doing for yourself or are you doing it for attention?”

I do tell myself that’s a harsh way to put it…. but there was something I had to come to terms with in that emotional hostility towards myself?

Do I do things simply for the attention? Am I writing this with the notion that people will read my words and notice me? Am I that vain and engrossed with people’s opinions of me that I need the validation?

What if it’s a maybe, more than a yes or no?

Are there moments that validation isn’t a bad thing to seek? I mean, we all know there’s a dark side to seeking approval. But is it all a bad thing? Is it possible that, sometimes, giving a shit what other people think prevents us from being assholes?

I used to admire people for not giving a shit what other people think and just being themselves. But some of the people I admired for it… Well, they were, quite frankly, assholes.

I’m not about that life. I may have moments of self-centeredness (totally not a word, but I’m leaving it)… but isn’t that normal? Aren’t those moments needed to do things like self-assessment so that you can assure that you’re not a shitty person?

Maybe that’s the main reason I write this blog… To take a moment to assess whether or not I’m a shitty person. And maybe also to remind myself, and others, that a lot of us struggle with this idea if we are people who give a shit.

I’m Kelsey. I’m 32 years old and I give a shit about people.

Now, to figure out this productive, not spending my entire day in bed, business…

Happy Birthday to Me

I am 32 years old. Wow.

I don’t necessarily know how to put that number into perspective with where I am in life. I don’t. Of course, maybe that isn’t a bad thing.

I like this new guy but today, part of me kept hoping an old friend would send a text. I wanted him to go, “Hey, I thought of you. Happy birthday old friend.”

He won’t. Because he’s more stubborn and more of an asshole than me. And it still makes me angry. 

I’ve started to embrace the reality that I may never stop loving him. That a piece of my heart will linger on him and I will feel a bit of sadness for that bit being unrequited. Because I deserved to be loved in return.

Can you have that feeling and love someone else? Maybe not with that same timbre played on your heartstrings… But still love them? I’m sort of hoping so because I want to have that in my life. I want to make the choice to love and care for someone who deserves my affection. Most importantly, he also returns it. 

I did write up 32 goals in honor of being 32. Basically, I took the wellness wheel with 8 sections, and I put 4 goals into each. I don’t know if I would consider it fucking gospel, but they are things to bear in mind as I venture through this next year of life.

It’s likely the first full one in a while without Luke. I think I am a little scared of that. But, I am also freer than I have ever been. That is a beautiful thing that can only lead to beautiful things. 

Lets see what this year has in store for me.

Kels

Getting Back in Order

It’s weird to be coming on here after 10 pm and realizing that I will still be at work this time tomorrow.

Seriously, so weird. I mean, I’ve worked retail for over a decade, and the idea of that being my normal schedule still weirds me out. Honestly, having a normal schedule weirds me out.

That doesn’t mean I’m not appreciative. It’s also kind of fucking awesome.

Hopefully I won’t be changing my tune tomorrow, but I tend to have a decent attitude most of the time.

I do know one thing, though. It will definitely be better not having to deal with the toxic people from my last job. Maybe this job will have a few, too, but I’m wise enough to be able to say no. don’t want to have to leave this job because I made the choice of “dating” a man who apparently didn’t want me for anything more than a quick bang.

Yeah, I think I still have a little bit of residual resentment. A little towards me but I think mostly out of disappointment. He wasn’t supposed to be like his dad, and yet, that’s exactly what I got.

All I can do is keep getting back up. I have to keep going, you know?

I think I want to make a legitimate goal list. That requires a lot of thinking on my part. I don’t know when it happened, but I sort of became complacent in accepting my life as a failure.

That’s where a lot of my pessimism started. I cultivated this idea that I was a failure, that I didn’t deserve better or should strive for much… because that made me selfish.

I think I’m falling into that trap again. Someone is definitely trying to help keep me out. I have to do more work to keep myself out, though.

Perhaps this goal list is a good idea. Maybe I can work on small changes to get my life back in order. This is a start, I think.

Kels

I’m Baack!!

Hi guys,

Yeah, I sort of disappeared for a few days… Maybe over a week. I could check but eh. Either way, I was gone, and I apologize for sort of just dropping off without an explanation.

Here’s what’s been happening. I finished off at the first job that pays the bills. My last day was August 26th. I nearly cried because I do sort of miss it. However, I don’t regret running away. Having to be around such a toxic person on a regular basis would have destroyed me. It already was to an extent.

I went to visit man that may be future boyfriend. Ultimately, I broke down to him and began to feel everything I was trying not to hold back. The betrayal of losing my best friend, the cold and narcissistic prick that I trusted with every bit of my poor, fragile heart.

The funny thing is that because of that conversation, I do realize that it is ok for me to think that I deserved better. Because I fucking did. And he was selfish and arrogant and truly abusive. Not verging on it… fucking full course emotionally abusive. I’m not his apologist anymore. I’m not his defender. He needs to become a man on his own.

I couldn’t save him, and that sucks.

So now I’m free, and honestly, it feels good. I’m currently enjoying an actual three day weekend without having to work every single day. I start working full-time at the new job that pays the bills on Tuesday. Apparently overtime is very normal, so I can expect to be putting in a lot of hours, especially as the holidays are approaching.

In fantastic news for my finances, I am now sitting on a little over $500 less in debt. $506.37 less to be exact. That’s right. The pendulum is starting to swing back. Also, on Friday, I paid off one credit card, freeing up $27 a month, since I believe that was the minimum I had to pay on that card.

Also, yesterday, I was able to actually use my debit card to pay for over half my groceries. Yes, over half, which means I am actually figuring out how to use my money as I have it rather than tacking on more to have to pay off in interest.

Possible future boyfriend has really been helpful in my life. He is trying to help me focus on what can make me happy, on making my life less drama and more of the life I want to have. Maybe one day I will be able to appropriately thank him for the way he is helping me out.

Maybe I’m finally getting the shit I deserve out of life. Who fucking knew.

Kels

Hurry Up with This Job Thing Universe!!

I’m still waiting on news as to whether or not I have a full time job coming up. It is making me nervous. My hopeful future boyfriend is still telling me that I need to focus my attention elsewhere because there’s nothing I can do.

Sure that’s true, but I have to have a plan. I don’t do well without a plan or at least an idea of what I can do when shit fails. 

Maybe that’s from being fucked over so many times. I used to be spontaneous, and willing to just jump into things. But things happened to me and all the sudden, spontaneity meant getting hurt or getting in trouble. The excitement died. 

Plus, with my financial situation, I am scared to be navigating without a security blanket. He says it’s fine and lots of people do it. But I don’t want to accept that. I want to figure out how to have that blanket. I want an emergency fund with at least 6 months of expenses so when shit goes south, I don’t have to panic. 

I don’t think that’s unreasonable to want. It does make me wonder if he should be hopeful future boyfriend. I don’t want to be that casual about money. I want someone who will be interested in being financially sound, if not for our lives but our eventual children’s lives. 

Of course, he is right that I need to not freak out. If anything, I will get a new job. I just hope it doesn’t come to needing a new job and me having to desperately take the first one I get. 

Kels