When Someone Makes the Decision Easy

Hey all,

I was having a rough week at work this week. And by rough… I mean ROUGH. You know, the weeks where nothing seems to go wrong, all your old ways start creeping in, and you start to think, “I am in over my head”?

Yup, that was the week that I came off of at work, and I’m hoping that it isn’t about to bleed into next week.

The crowning moment of that week? One of my coworkers yelling at me on the first account that I sent to him. When I asked if there was anything I could’ve done differently, he said, “It’s not your fault at all and there was no way for you to have known.”

I was nice to him, simply because I realized there was no point in escalating the situation. On the inside, however, I was FUMING. Don’t be treating me like garbage because things aren’t going right…

Everyone has a bad day. I get that. This particular individual, however, seems to take out his frustrations on his coworkers a lot, even if they are not responsible.

That lead me to thinking, and it lead me to draft a list of pros and cons on every job I’ve ever held for more than a couple months. By the way, if you’ve never done this, I highly suggest you do it. It helps you assess what you value out of your job, and, more importantly, how you rank those things in life.

I do believe that it’s important to make a living wage off your job. I also believe that if your only reasons to stay at a job revolve around the money generated from it, then you are honestly at a point in your life where you have nothing to lose by looking for another job.

At least I can say I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I also might be starting to love myself just enough that I realize what I’m willing to put myself through.

I feel like I should almost thank that guy for being a dick.

Until next time,

Kels

Long Haul Paranoia

Well, well, well… 2 days in a row! What the hell is going on with me?! Ha!

Mostly, the need for the sort of “cheap therapy” that writing this can provide. Getting on here and writing really does help when I keep it as an important part of my process. And it truly is important to me. Often, I wish it was something more lucrative for me, but I always terrible at anticipating need for others… In the sense of, “How do I make a need work for me?”

I mean, I’m a big time people pleaser. I’m just shitty at using my people pleasing for my own advantage. Damn me for not being able to exploit others!!!

In all honesty, I don’t think that’s exploitation. It’s probably smart. I happen to have an overly guilty conscience for essentially no reason at all.

I’ve been starting to get headaches on a daily basis. Paranoia makes me think that it’s a tumor. Reality makes me believe it’s stress. My job is extremely stressful, and part of me has been sitting here wondering if it’s worth throwing myself in for the long haul. Of course, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that you have one foot out the door as soon as you start thinking that way. I might have to take that thought a little more seriously now that I’ve put it out in the universe like this. At least I’ve made it one review cycle, so some of that “resume paranoia” can subside.

I mean, I worked a job for 12 years and I’m only 33, but I still have that paranoia that I might screw up my resume by showing that I can’t commit to a job. If anything, I’ve probably shown the opposite.

Paranoia seems to be a running theme in this entry. Maybe paranoia is why I’m so damn stressed lately. At least it would give me some direction. Moody and sullen is just not enjoyable, so I’d like to get beyond this shit.

Do you think I can make it to three entries? We’ll find out!

Until next time,

Kels

Relapse

My typical MO when writing these blogs is to write out the entry and then pop back and go, “What do I think my theme is in this entry? What am I trying to convey here?” Sometimes they’re a little quirky, but I enjoy them.

Today, I knew the title before I even began to type on my fancy new rainbow glowing keyboard (more on that later)… I have relapsed.. well, sort of.

Let me explain. At my core, I am not a pessimist. At all. For the most part, I am always hopeful about my future improving… If I just put in the work. However, I have Present Kelsey to contend with, and Present Kelsey is the problem.

You see, Present Kelsey (I’m calling her PK for now on because I don’t feel like typing that out each time, as much as I enjoy the clacking of the keys beneath my fingers), is kind of a pain in my ass right now. PK is kind of miserable and lethargic. She’s always “too tired” or making up any reason to say she can’t. PK knows this is a problem in the back of her mind.

Recent Past Kelsey, or RPK, got a review at work recently. She had to write a self-evaluation. You know what RPK was told? She deserves to have confidence in herself because she’s doing a pretty damn good job.

All the Kelseys agree that this is a massive fucking problem. It’s up to PK to be fixing it, because, let’s face it… Of all the Kelseys, PK has the most control of the situation. PK knows this.

Yet, PK is still struggling. RPK got invited to go to an event in a couple weeks. That version of PK wasn’t sure because she isn’t sure how FK (Yeah, Future Kelsey) is going to feel about going to something on a work night and probably being there until 9:30 or 10:00 pm. It will probably be fun, but work requires a lot of mental acuity. A lack of sleep could diminish that and then that will lead to a bad day at work.

See the problem? I do, too. I’m letting the “what if” dictate so much, and I think that’s probably the toughest part of everything for me. I know EXACTLY what I am doing, and I know that I need to break the cycles. Here I am, not breaking those cycles, knowing exactly what I need to do, but not doing it all the same.

Does anyone else have that problem and get frustrated with yourself, too? How do you cope with that? How do you fight that present version of yourself that likes to talk you out of everything that could probably help you change for the better if you would just let it? I mean, I get assessing risk, and I’m sure that’s part of the equation. PK’s risk meter is fucking ridiculous, and I don’t want to lose the hope that FK has.

Basically, I need to draw up a map of Operation Counter-Sabotage PK. What should my map look like? What tools can help so I can try to figure out if they’re in my mental toolkit? How do you keep yourself accountable?

That’s what is on my mind today as I stare at a full hamper of dirty clothes and a full basket of clean ones. I definitely feel fortunate to have that problem at least. 🙂

Until next time,

Kels

5 Days to 33… How the What?

I sometimes don’t believe how old I am. I also get into the comparison shit, which is always a great idea (by great, I mean awful, of course). The worst one is my own expectations. That’s the one that makes me angry.

Why?

Because I’m not where I am supposed to be. Where I want to be. One of those matters a lot less than the other. “Supposed” requires some sort of outer expectation. “Want,” though, means I am not content with my position.

So what’s wrong?

It’s not that my life is awful. My financial situation isn’t great, but I am rather of proud of the progress I’ve made. I got a car that I enjoy to drive, even though I am slightly afraid of the fact that it is a small, light vehicle. I have steady employment.

I’m hungry, in that way Anthony Bourdain eluded to in his show. Not for food, but for that adventure. The adrenaline. That life of excitement. Which, as a side note, I cannot begin to describe how much it hurt to find out he passed. I obviously didn’t know him, but he inspired me deeply. His attitude and personality resonated to me as someone that felt a bit like me. For him to succumb to the darkness that I am always afraid of in my own backyard, that scared the fuck out of me. What if I can’t keep running and it swallows me whole?

I always hope that my toughness and stubbornness will keep pulling me through. It has managed to get me this far.

My hunger is about doing more, seeing my potential. I’ve realized I’m a weird contradiction, which, maybe that’s all of us… I believe in myself. I really, really do. And yet, at the same time, I think I am grossly inadequate to go for the level of life that I want. How do you resolve that? And if there’s no resolution, what’s the way to keep balancing on that tightrope?

I’ve become really into the Property Brothers. I watched an interview, and they talk about this particularly inspiring quote from their father.

“When someone tells you that you can’t do something, find 5 ways to do it.”

I fucking love that!

Lately, I feel like my life is missing the passion. I need things that make me passionate, make me excited. I wish I could say that was my job, but it isn’t. I know I am going to be making another career shift. But I want to build a skill set and skills that go with my passions.

That’s my new goal: find that passion set and develop the skills to make them something I can mold into a career move.

I’m fired up, but I’m also terrified. I say all this, but I also know that the minute I get a bit derailed, it is all going to fall apart. I’m tired of being in that cycle, and I don’t know how to break it yet. It is something I know I need to figure out, so if anyone knows how to break that, I can definitely use the advice.

What I will say is this. It is great to be back to writing this, again. I feel like I gain a lot from writing this blog. So thank you for reading, and I hope I help you while helping myself.

Until the next one,

Kels

 

Dear Sleep, You Can Show Up Any Time Now

The title sums up so much with me right now. It is about 1:30 A.M. when I am starting this entry, and while I am exhausted beyond fucking belief, I cannot seem to fall asleep.

There are some interesting things going on. I have an interview for a potential new job on Thursday. It is an office position, which I am not sure if I will enjoy it or not. I am in a much different mental space than I was the last time I took an office job.

Part of me is sad to leave the current job though. I don’t like the hours, and sometimes people get a bit condescending. But they do trust me with a lot of stuff now. However, I am getting paid less doing the same work as company employees. They get all sorts of benefits, and here I am, still waiting for the next hiring event 5 months after becoming eligible.

I mean, technically they had one in September, but then they withdrew it. The contract is 2 years and there’s no guarantee that I will be hired, no matter how good or bad I am (based on feedback, I will say I’m good at the job).

So I don’t necessarily want to leave, but I don’t want to keep waiting for something that isn’t guaranteed to happen by the end of 2 years. At this point, I would like something more stable than that. I have to do what’s best for me, right?

Speaking of, the guy is still not talking to me since I went at him about wanting less advice and more conversation. Maybe he is afraid to confront me. Maybe he is tired of me. I don’t want to have to keep starting this conversation for him to keep ignoring it. I’m too old for that shit.

So instead, I guess I’m in limbo. Or maybe I’m definitely single. I don’t know.

Well, I am going to attempt this sleep thing and hope I can get at least 5 or 6 hours tonight. Wish me luck.

Kels

I want to be fully honest about all my feelings. Sometimes I wish he would call or text, say he was sorry he was a dick. Tell me he did care and that it still bothers him that he shredded our closeness over rumors.

I do still love him and I miss the good about him. Of course, I’m still so sure of the fact that he is an asshole and he hurts me. I’m not delusional, after all. But sometimes, I do wish for that conversation I know I will never get because he would have to grow up. And that is something that I don’t think he is capable of doing.

I also found out I might have to throw myself out into the job hunting market again. While the words, “we’re not hiring permanent employees” never left the lips of the manager, I did hear the phrase, “We are at a good permanent to temp ratio.” To me, that is the same as, “We aren’t hiring.”

The beauty is that this job has given me the confidence to realize that while I might not be the fastest person, I am a very competent person. I absorb new information like a sponge and take pride in doing my job well, no matter what it is. So I am going to find a job that wants to nurture that fucking gift.

Also, I am not sure what is going with me and the man, but I really am starting to get the sense that we are about to steer towards an ending.

He is the “typical man who wants to give advice” all the time. And advice can be good… But it can also be really fucking insulting when you aren’t asking for it. For instance, when I am trying to tell him a story about my uncle calling the most recent mass shooting a “hoax,” this guy asks why I have to contradict him by questioning my uncle’s opinion. I tell him how uncle comments on an article I posted on Facebook and he then asks if it’s my article… Which is the exact way he gets when he is about to tell me what he would’ve done…

I finally told him I want to be trusted to do my own thing and not have to get unsolicited advice all the time. As nicely as I could, which in Kelsey speak means I didn’t swear, haha. Well, I probably did once or twice, but that’s a fucking accomplishment in Kelsey speak.

Well, he hasn’t said a word since, which means he probably doesn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry, I never thought of it that way because I don’t mean it that way,” would’ve been a great start though. And I’d respect that. Seriously. But I am not going to ignore things that bother the hell out of me for the sake of peace. I’m too old for that shit and the ripe young age of 32… 🙂

Really though, these are small bumps in the road. I can live with this shit. I can move on and change them if necessary. It doesn’t scare me anymore. If anything, I’m hungry for the new adventure to see exactly what I can get out of this life.

So I will keep you all posted as life continues along this path.

Kels

Thoughts At 2 A.M.

I am proud of the things I have changed in the past year. I really, really am.

I thought I could never thrive in a workplace that wasn’t retail. Here I am, doing order picking and packing. Am I perfect at it? No. But I can manage to make the top 10 of order pickers almost every day and the top 5 at least once a week. I have only been doing this September… And I have made it this far.

I thought my life was in collapse without him. I really, really did. Yet, here I am, still standing, still working, still trying. He didn’t destroy me.

He made me better for hurting me. I liked the me that existed before him. She was ready for adventure and excitement. She wasn’t as scared.

But I am different than her. I am still hardened, perhaps in a good way. Yet the heart is there.

I think about my cousin once in a while. Mostly when I think about what my next adventure should be. I don’t want to take advantage of the fact that I’m still here. Life can be so fucking hard, but it is so damn precious.

I think I will leave it there.

Until the next time,

Kels

Drying Out Like a Prune, Man

I am learning that my job might be the biggest cause of my dry hair and skin. Well, doubling with the fact that it is now cold and dry up here in Illinois.

Needless to say, everything is either dry, chapped, cracking, or all of the above, really.

As I’ve mentioned the past couple of days, I have a remedy for the hair. Since it seems to be helping, I can safely say this: Thank you hair oils. Moroccan and coconut oil tend to be my favorites.

Now it’s on to the skin. I’m trying to lotion my hands nightly now. It’s sort of dual purpose because my hands are usually quite sore from the day. I never thought of how much grasping can tire out your poor hands. But boy, does it tire them out when you do it for 8 hours a day… minimum.

Oh, and I keep a tube of lip balm on me because my poor upper lip has been permanently chapped for the past two weeks or so. Like most everything in my life, I struggle to find that balance.

Oh and I’m running a humidifier. I’m so glad those fuckers exist because my poor dry nose would probably be in perpetual nosebleed mode if it weren’t for the joys of a humidifier.

It’s all a learning curve, though, and I am continually working at it. That’s all I can do, right?

In good news, though.. I will be able to go to bed before 2:00 A.M, so that will be nice.

Until tomorrow,

Kels

Validation

Do you ever get to the point where life feels busy but you know you could have time?

Yeah, that’s where I am lately.

This keeps falling by the wayside. I tell myself it is because I am tired, because I work more than 8 hours a day more often than I’d like.

But I spend fucking hours on YouTube. Or at least an hour hitting the snooze button. Hell, sometimes two hours.

That’s where I’m losing time, and I know it.

Does admitting that I’m fucking this up mean I’m being unkind to myself for going, “The fuck, Kelsey… Get your shit together!”

Because part of me is frustrated that I spend hours hitting the snooze, or dedicating myself to nothing but watching TV and passive shit that I don’t really enjoy but allows me to escape the pressure. Pressure of failure, of success, of being the god damn adult that I am and keeping up on my responsibilities.

Maybe I’m tough because deep down… I have this confidence that is screaming, “You are so much better than this and you keep letting yourself down.” Meanwhile, I have the other side going, “Bitch, don’t be so arrogant and think you’re some god damn special snowflake out to change the world. Be realistic here.”

It’s like I have this double life in my head. I have this confident, sassy, awesome woman who I know deserves all the praise in the world… and then I have the self-deprecating, self-loathing, but also well-meaning voice of “stay humble.”

But sometimes the “humility” side isn’t so nice about wanting me to practice humility.

Is that a human struggle, though? Figuring out how to toe the line between being the arrogant dick of the world and the Negative Nelly… Because that golden spot in the middle? I know that’s that shit people call “confidence.”

For instance, with this… I often think, “nobody gives a fuck. Why are you writing a blog thinking your opinion has absolute Messiah-level value for this planet? Is it really something you are doing for yourself or are you doing it for attention?”

I do tell myself that’s a harsh way to put it…. but there was something I had to come to terms with in that emotional hostility towards myself?

Do I do things simply for the attention? Am I writing this with the notion that people will read my words and notice me? Am I that vain and engrossed with people’s opinions of me that I need the validation?

What if it’s a maybe, more than a yes or no?

Are there moments that validation isn’t a bad thing to seek? I mean, we all know there’s a dark side to seeking approval. But is it all a bad thing? Is it possible that, sometimes, giving a shit what other people think prevents us from being assholes?

I used to admire people for not giving a shit what other people think and just being themselves. But some of the people I admired for it… Well, they were, quite frankly, assholes.

I’m not about that life. I may have moments of self-centeredness (totally not a word, but I’m leaving it)… but isn’t that normal? Aren’t those moments needed to do things like self-assessment so that you can assure that you’re not a shitty person?

Maybe that’s the main reason I write this blog… To take a moment to assess whether or not I’m a shitty person. And maybe also to remind myself, and others, that a lot of us struggle with this idea if we are people who give a shit.

I’m Kelsey. I’m 32 years old and I give a shit about people.

Now, to figure out this productive, not spending my entire day in bed, business…

Happy Birthday to Me

I am 32 years old. Wow.

I don’t necessarily know how to put that number into perspective with where I am in life. I don’t. Of course, maybe that isn’t a bad thing.

I like this new guy but today, part of me kept hoping an old friend would send a text. I wanted him to go, “Hey, I thought of you. Happy birthday old friend.”

He won’t. Because he’s more stubborn and more of an asshole than me. And it still makes me angry. 

I’ve started to embrace the reality that I may never stop loving him. That a piece of my heart will linger on him and I will feel a bit of sadness for that bit being unrequited. Because I deserved to be loved in return.

Can you have that feeling and love someone else? Maybe not with that same timbre played on your heartstrings… But still love them? I’m sort of hoping so because I want to have that in my life. I want to make the choice to love and care for someone who deserves my affection. Most importantly, he also returns it. 

I did write up 32 goals in honor of being 32. Basically, I took the wellness wheel with 8 sections, and I put 4 goals into each. I don’t know if I would consider it fucking gospel, but they are things to bear in mind as I venture through this next year of life.

It’s likely the first full one in a while without Luke. I think I am a little scared of that. But, I am also freer than I have ever been. That is a beautiful thing that can only lead to beautiful things. 

Lets see what this year has in store for me.

Kels