You Can Use the Internet for Everything

I went to my store manager at first job that pays the bills and told him I wanted to know how I resign. They apparently have a freaking checklist you do. It’s crazy.

Anyway, I think I’m pretty settled on the idea of quitting there. I’m sort of sad because I enjoy working with this one girl at my other job. When I switch to full-time, I won’t see her much anymore. 

But I can’t let that deter me from doing this. It’ll be good for me to do for a little while at least. I will have new experience to add to my resume and that will look nice when I go to apply to other jobs in the future. 

I regret getting involved with my ex-friend. The way we flirted, the way he got my hopes up and crushed them. Every time I read things that related to my experience, narcissistic personality disorder comes up. It makes sense. 

So basically, something is psychologically wrong with him. And I was right to call abuse. He abused me. Dick.

It did alter my idea of how I should be treated. I am talking to a man who will likely become my next boyfriend and he is genuinely good and caring. All his friends say he will be amazing to his future wife. I could use someone who knows how to treat a woman in my life. 

So fingers crossed it will work out nicely between us. I could use a good man after the shitty one.

I was talking about it to a co-worker and she said that something is clearly wrong with him. Also that I wasn’t trying to change him but trying to help him. And there was nothing wrong with that. It meant that I was merely the better person in the situation. 

That made me feel better about how I acted. While it was excessive and obsessive, my intentions were good. Also he likely messed me up in the whole abuse process. 

Yeah, another short entry. I’m fucking tired. I think I’ve slept maybe 17 hours since Sunday night. It’ll be nice to get some time to catch up.

Kels

Decisions

The full time option is a possibility for me at my second job. I would have to move on to something different and likely more stressful. However, it would be full time. 

No more 56 hour weeks without overtime pay. That will be nice. Overtime would be mandatory but it sounds like it would only be an hour or two each day. I could handle that.

I discussed it with current potential man, and he asked me a couple things:

Will the paycheck work in my favor?

Will the hours be more manageable?

Will you have upward mobility? 

And

What is keeping you from doing it?

So I answered and he sort of let me come to my own conclusion while offering his opinion.

This guy might be the fucking Kelsey whisperer. Holy shit. 

I feel like I should give him another chance. Maybe I needed closure from the great asshole. I have that now with him continually being an emotionally abusive dick. 

God, how do I tell them I’m leaving again? And that the biggest reason has to do with another employee that almost destroyed me? 

It’s going to be a hard conversation with lots of tears on my end. I don’t want to necessarily leave but I do know that I will always be living in a personal hell if I stay. 

If only he would leave so I could have my first job that pays the bills back. I never realized how much I don’t actually mind it. 

Maybe this is the fucking kick I need to move on. Maybe this will be great for me. I won’t know until I dive in with both feet and give it a shot. 

I really hope this is the right decision.

Kels

Going Crazy and Misunderstandings

Yup. I’ve done it. I talked and talked and obsessed until I got blocked by my ex-friend on Facebook. Granted, he cannot take any sort of criticism without being a huge fucking baby about it. 

So I talked to the guy I slept with after things went down hill with him. And apparently, the reasons why I got distant were all a huge misunderstanding. It makes me feel bad because I probably shut it down too soon. 

I might reconsider it. He was sweet and I think he would actually treat me the way I deserve. Plus, he’s a bit of a nerd and likes things I like. 

The only disappointing thing is that he doesn’t have blue eyes or facial hair. I really love facial hair. 

We shall see. Maybe something good will come from my asshole ex-friend. 

It also has me venturing into the idea of going full time at my temp job, which means I’d get a change there. That could be good for me, too. 

Honestly, maybe just getting away from him will be good for me. 

Anyway, I want to get to bed soon, so I think I’m going to do that. 

Kels

Consent As It Pertains to My Second Job

I’m thinking about quitting the second job. I don’t know if it’s going to be worth the extra stress just to get another $180 a week. This week is putting that doubt in my mind. I feel like I’m in an area that doesn’t offer much opportunity to move up or do anything.

Sure, it gives me a foot in the door, but in order for that foot to mean anything, you have to have somebody notice your performance. I don’t have that. I’ve yet to even meet the supervisor of that area. Honestly, I couldn’t even point her out in a crowd.

Plus, there’s this older man there, and he’s the type that when you’re struggling, he takes things from you and starts doing them. Now, to say that that bothers me is an understatement. I get fucking livid when people take over on me, especially if I do not ask for assistance.

That’s just who I am. I have a ridiculous amount of tenacity, and I want to do things on my own on my own terms. When you come in and take something from me before I have an opportunity to figure it out on my own, you determine my capability for me. If I am going to keep control, it is on whether or not I can do something.

So yeah, it’s really getting me mad. Ok, I’m pissed the fuck off… I’ll be honest. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe, count to ten, and move on from wanting to crush the bastard’s head in for thinking it’s appropriate to take over things from me.

It probably doesn’t help that he never does this to the other guys. He treats me different because I’m a woman… and I hate that. Do not let my gender determine whether or not I can do something well. Back the fuck off that shit. Often that includes the subtext of skull breaking as well.

I am not afraid to ask for help. It is nothing like that. I will ask for help if I feel I am out of my element. But I will not ask for help from people who will not give me the chance to actually sink or swim first. So I don’t want to ask him anything because I don’t want it taken away before I can decide what my ability is.

This is honestly the idea of consent. I don’t want to give anything unless it is on my terms. Maybe that’s selfish or self-centered, but I think that might be the best way to be those things. Consent is a very special thing, and if you take away someone’s right to consent to anything, you take their power. I think that’s why I’m so mad about it every time.

So people, if any of you do this… fucking stop it. Ask before you take something from someone. Give them the right to consent. That’s how you become less of an asshole. It’s not hard. Seriously.

Ok, rant over.

Weeks like this one are when I miss the ex-boyfriend who used to give me a massage almost every time we were together. He could be good to me like that, and honestly, that helped raise my standards on how I wanted to be treated by a man. I think the next one will be required to at least make a genuine effort to massage. After all, I’m tense as all hell and I probably require a ton of work.

Now to get Swagbucks to behave itself so I can go to bed soon.

Until tomorrow,

Kels

Long Days and Kelseys Don’t Mix Well

I am currently having a bunch of computer issues, which is annoying because one, I worked 12 hours between two jobs, and two, I have to do that same thing tomorrow, so I would love to be going to sleep. 

I know I don’t owe you guys a daily entry. I owe me this time. It is more helpful for me to come here than to sit alone and try to think things out on my own. Granted, I still sort of an doing that. It’s just now you all can read it.

Affording a new computer will be a special kind of hell. Mostly because it requires me to have some sort of credit, and my credit utilization is fucking terrible. I think the time has come, though, since that sucker is close to a decade old. Old Spiffy just ain’t what it used to be. Or is this Magic Laptop? I forget.

All in all, everything hurts, I’m tired, and I want this week to be over, which means I think the second job may only last until the middle of October. I don’t think I can do this through Christmas. It will be too much for me.

I guess at least I am learning this now so that I know what will need to happen to get me through this year financially.

All in all, I think it’s time to find a job that I can tolerate and will pay the bills. I hope that exists.

Kels

Sleeping and Habits I Need to Break

A guy I was involved with years ago found me on Facebook… I may have mentioned that before but tired, so apologies if I have.

I sort of broke down and told him that my cousin is dying. Now I feel bad because I know I did it because I was lonely. Because I want to be comforted by someone male and want to fill the hole that my ex-friend left.

Let’s be honest, I deserve to feel guilty for that. I’m using him, and I don’t really want him. But I know he’s going to ask me how I’m doing and give me the attention I want, while I do the stupid girl thing and pine after the man who won’t go for me. He will give me what the man I want won’t give me, because man I sometimes still want is too much of a selfish child to do it.

Why do we give our love and attention to the people who don’t deserve it? That’s not a man or woman thing… that’s a human thing.

We like to talk as though men and women are worlds apart. Mars and Venus. We’re really not, though, are we?

I’m using him to fill an emptiness and finding that it isn’t working. Another person cannot fill a void that you need to close on your own.

Plus, I really cannot ignore the fact that when we were involved years ago, he told me I shouldn’t dye my hair. Oh and that I shouldn’t lose weight. If my attractiveness alters based on those two things, then maybe I am not interested in that man. Even if I decided to try with him again, that will always be in the back of my mind. What if he isn’t happy with something I did to change my appearance?

I’ve spent most of today sleeping. I don’t know if I am making up for lost sleep, or if something is going on with me. Maybe I’m hitting a low again.

I never say depressed. I say “low.”

Anyway, I may nap for a little bit and hope that gets rid of this overwhelmingly tired feeling.

So until tomorrow,

Kels

Making More Changes

I got a letter from my main bank today. They are changing my savings account, and not in a good way. Basically, I would have to pay $10 per quarterly statement because I cannot maintain the minimum balance.  Also, it gives me five times less than my other savings account.

While I’m at it, I’m thinking that I am also going to close down my other checking account. I have more benefits with my other checking account, like earning money every time I use my debit card. So, it’s going to be better overall for me. Plus, if they’re going to have a minimum balance on their savings account, who knows how long it will be before they add a minimum to checking?

I understand the premise. It costs money to maintain an account, I’m sure. But, I don’t have the kind of lifestyle and paycheck that allows me to deal with a minimum balance on any of my accounts. So, I have to move on and do what will be best for my financial situation.

Switching banks is such a pain, though. I mean, it’s not much more than an inconvenience, but man, do I not want to dedicate time to that. Luckily, I have until September 1st to do all this crap, so I think I can manage. Thanks to the power of the internet, I already changed my direct deposit information for both my jobs. I’m also in the process of putting new bank information on all my credit cards and debit cards.

It honestly probably won’t be that bad. I think my preconceived notions have everything to do with the fact that it was a pretty big hassle when I switched banks about 10 years ago. Of course, so much has changed with online banking and everything else, that I think it isn’t anywhere near the same world that it was when I went through that process.

Although, I do have to go into my current bank to close my account, so I’m a bit worried about that process.

It will be good for me, though, and I’ve been toying with the idea of transitioning banks for the past year. Maybe it’s time.

 

Last night’s blog got me thinking. The entirety of this blog has been focused on getting me to ask two questions:

  1. Is this what I want?
  2. Is this what I need?

 

So… what do I want and need in terms of a man? Someone cerebral without being cocky or intimidated by a smart woman, who is physically intimate but not overwhelming on the PDA. Someone with a great sense of humor, who can make me laugh my problems away. Someone who will let me do my own thing but always be willing to help me when I need him. Someone who is proud of me and wants to show me off as the person he’s with. Someone who will take care of me as much as I take care of him.

Basically, I want, and need, to be loved, valued, and appreciated. Not that fucking hard, right? I think that’s pretty much what all of us want, isn’t it?

 I’m also extremely understanding. Can’t see me tonight? That’s cool. Want to go away for a week with your friends? Have a good time. 

It took me a long to realize why it made me so mad that ex-friend rejected me… And that’s when it hit me. When you treat me well, I am a fucking awesome girl to date. When you don’t, I’m a fucking crazy, jealous bitch because you aren’t treating me right. 

I think this is an immensely helpful thing for me to understand. After all, if you don’t know why you’re broken, how the hell do you fix it?

Kels