Hurry Up with This Job Thing Universe!!

I’m still waiting on news as to whether or not I have a full time job coming up. It is making me nervous. My hopeful future boyfriend is still telling me that I need to focus my attention elsewhere because there’s nothing I can do.

Sure that’s true, but I have to have a plan. I don’t do well without a plan or at least an idea of what I can do when shit fails. 

Maybe that’s from being fucked over so many times. I used to be spontaneous, and willing to just jump into things. But things happened to me and all the sudden, spontaneity meant getting hurt or getting in trouble. The excitement died. 

Plus, with my financial situation, I am scared to be navigating without a security blanket. He says it’s fine and lots of people do it. But I don’t want to accept that. I want to figure out how to have that blanket. I want an emergency fund with at least 6 months of expenses so when shit goes south, I don’t have to panic. 

I don’t think that’s unreasonable to want. It does make me wonder if he should be hopeful future boyfriend. I don’t want to be that casual about money. I want someone who will be interested in being financially sound, if not for our lives but our eventual children’s lives. 

Of course, he is right that I need to not freak out. If anything, I will get a new job. I just hope it doesn’t come to needing a new job and me having to desperately take the first one I get. 

Kels

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Veiled Eclipse and Nerves

The solar eclipse was kind of a bust where I live. We sort of had a chance to see it, but the cloud cover kept it covered for a good portion of time. Needless to say, it was sadly a bit underwhelming. 

I am continuing on my ignore my ex-friend rampage. He threw a temper tantrum at work today, and the supervisor called him out for his really bad attitude. I’m glad someone did, because no matter how damaged a person is, they do not need to act with such minimal maturity. 

I’m also still waiting on becoming full time. It’s making me nervous that I still haven’t heard anything and I’m hoping to switch over by next week. What if I jumped the gun and now I’m about to be back in a paycheck bind?

Sure, it might not be too hard for me to find another part-time job. Or hell, maybe with all this free time, I can manage to find a full time job I will enjoy. I was really hoping to have this all settled by now. 

Hopeful future boyfriend keeps telling me to not get upset, that things will work out fine and I will soon regret being so worked up about this. I hope he’s right because I would love it if life could throw me some good shit.

After the debacle I threw myself in with my ex-friend, I could really use some easy, beautiful life.

Kels

Tired of Poison

So yeah, I didn’t write an entry yesterday. I feel bad about it. 

The reason? I was with hopeful future boyfriend. He got into my brain and got to things I didn’t want to admit even to myself. 

My dad is being a dick. I hate him. He thinks I act like I know everything. In reality, I just don’t want his arrogance to hurt others. Because being an arrogant dick does hurt others. 

He won’t accept that. He will continue to be a narcissistic bitch for the rest of his life… Just like someone else I used to know. Idiots. 

It will be so good to get out of here. This house is poison. I’m so tired of just taking it.

This Post Is Heavy

My cousin is no longer among the living. He passed last night. It’s hard to believe he’s gone. 

I still feel some anger about it, this sense of injustice. My ex-friend can run around wanting to die and being a selfish dick… But this kind, compassionate human being gets to lick the bucket. 

It just is. Sometimes the bad guys get to live while the good guy dies. The universe doesn’t weigh morality. It takes as the map inside your body requests. 

Mortality is a shitty thing to deal with. We all know we are mortal, even if we refuse to embrace it. We all know that we’re in line to lick the bucket at some point. Maybe not in the order we entered the line, but we are in line nonetheless.

Death honestly scares the fuck out of me. I don’t want to think about it. It scares me to cease to exist, that maybe nothing happens and I’ll have no idea it’s over. 

Things hundreds of years in the future remind me that I’ll be long gone… And that upsets me. Granted, I don’t necessarily want to live so long that everything I love will be long dead. But still, I hate the idea that I may merely be work food and that my existence will be meaningless.

I’ve had that existential crisis since the age of eight. I remember crying about it one night because I was terrified of this idea that everything would be over one day and I’d have no way to pause it. I want to savor the moments, experience everything. But I can’t. It’s impossible to do absolutely everything in this world in the limited amount of time we are given. 

Sometimes, the weight of that fact is enough to make me wonder if there’s a point. If I shouldn’t just end it now to save myself the trouble of agonizing over the inevitability. But I won’t. I don’t want to lose the opportunity for time that others don’t get. I want to cherish it. 

That keeps me alive more than anything in this world. I am blessed to have time. I am blessed to be able to walk and talk and have the opportunity to have basic needs covered. There are people out there who aren’t so lucky. 

It makes me mad because so many people bitch about what they don’t have. Material things. Meaningless things. Things that aren’t important when you’re on your death bed. 

I want to shake those people and go, “Then work at them for fucks sake! Stop bitching and do!!”

That’s my new motto. Stop bitching and do.

Kels

Songs That Heal a Broken Heart

I’m currently listening to the song “Weightless” by Marconi Union. Apparently, it is supposed to reduce anxiety. We shall see about that.

My cousin is officially at the end of the line. He apparently is no longer conscious and it is likely a matter of days before he passes away. It sucks. 

Meanwhile, people like my ex-friend, my father, my hopeful future boyfriend’s father, and neo-Nazis get to continue living their vile, hate driven existences. Fuck them. They don’t deserve the oxygen my cousin won’t get to breathe soon. 

Yeah, I’m a bit less optimistic and more angry today. It happens and it’s likely time I got this shit out anyway. Anger only becomes a festering wound if you let it sit for too long. 

My dad thinks his welding helmet will be good enough to view the solar eclipse. He also thinks people are stupid to be excited about the eclipse. I must be one of those stupid people. I kind of hope he goes blind looking at the sun because I’m that tired of his attitude and bullshit. 

Once again, doesn’t deserve oxygen.

I want so bad to not have to live here anymore. It will be so good for me. I know it. 

It is helping a little. I don’t feel amazingly better but I do feel better. 

Kels

People Who Suck

My mom is that annoying kind of drunk. She keeps talking and talking. All I want to do is go, “oh my God, please shut up.” 

She also repeats herself ad nauseum. It is making me insane. 

God could I use a fucking vacation, let me tell you.

In fact, I told man who will become hopeful next boyfriend that I could really use a vacation and he went, “Where do you want to go?” 

Ugh seriously. This man. I’m trying not to get too tangled into it but he does the good stuff. He makes me hope and that’s something I haven’t felt in a long time. 

I’m still waiting on word about working full time. I thought it would be settled by now. It isn’t. 

Hopefully, I don’t need to come up with a backup plan. Dear future boyfriend is trying to keep me from freaking out. I appreciate his concern. It’s nice to not be invisible to a man again. 

Once my schedule settles, it will be great to have some semblance of a life again. I’ve been so tired of basically going from job to job. 

People keep joking I am going to come back to first job that pays the bills. I can tell you with certainty that as long as that shitty human being is there, I will not be employed there. He will destroy me and like I’ve said before, I am taking this becoming a better version of myself very seriously. 

I feel petty, but part of me is happy that he is a sad, broken man who does nothing to fix himself. Yes, it would’ve been lovely to see him become a better person, but he proved that it his mindset will never allow that. So he damages others and treats them like shit.

So it goes. 

Kels

Short because Half Asleep

I’m half asleep as I write this. It has been another long day. There wasn’t much time between jobs. That will be the exciting thing. Only working 8 hours. 

I’m getting nervous because they haven’t said I was approved for full time.

I hope everything turns out.

Kels