I have an *NSYNC song stuck in my head. Yeah, like that late 90s boy band shit that I loved because I was in their peak demographic in the late 90s.
It’s not even one of their singles. It was from their first album (well at least the US version) and I am pretty sure I can say with minimal uncertainty that it was track 2.
I have a memory for things. For instance, I can tell you that I told this guy I am hoping to be dating soon that I remembered his birthday being either March or May. When I said I leaned towards March, he was happy to report that it was indeed March. I don’t know the actual date, although I could use the power of Facebook to find that out.
Sometimes I think, “God, I was an idiot for trying to find excuses to leave this guy. He is a really good guy and I’m pretty sure he understands me without knowing me too deeply.”
It’s fucking incredible, really. And he’s so good. Maybe I’m just in the honeymoon phase again. But who cares… I should enjoy this while it lasts.
Secret confession… I was looking at this picture he posted on Facebook. I think it was within the past couple of weeks. He cooked some chicken. It was slightly charred but it really looked great. Someone had commented that he would make a great husband someday.
My first thought?
“That’s the kind of guy I should be going for.”
I think that’s why I’m talking to him, because I know he’s fantastic. Because the reason I ended things was over a misunderstanding. Oh and an obsession over a guy who doesn’t know how to treat a woman well. Possibly with some serious mommy issues because he sort of puts her on a pedestal.
It’s weird how the complete lack of contact is helping me see him for who he is. I’m better than he deserved. Does that make me arrogant or because he practically abused me I am allowed to feel that I deserved better?
Something about calling him abusive makes me feel terrible. I don’t want to be mean to him and call him horrible things. Maybe he doesn’t deserve that level of kindness but I still want to give it.
I do think he is the man who made me grow up. And I think he made me better for this guy. Hopeful future boyfriend is going to have his work cut out for him but I do have a lot of faith that he might be strong and patient enough to handle me.
And with that, I am heading off to bed.