I’m thinking about quitting the second job. I don’t know if it’s going to be worth the extra stress just to get another $180 a week. This week is putting that doubt in my mind. I feel like I’m in an area that doesn’t offer much opportunity to move up or do anything.
Sure, it gives me a foot in the door, but in order for that foot to mean anything, you have to have somebody notice your performance. I don’t have that. I’ve yet to even meet the supervisor of that area. Honestly, I couldn’t even point her out in a crowd.
Plus, there’s this older man there, and he’s the type that when you’re struggling, he takes things from you and starts doing them. Now, to say that that bothers me is an understatement. I get fucking livid when people take over on me, especially if I do not ask for assistance.
That’s just who I am. I have a ridiculous amount of tenacity, and I want to do things on my own on my own terms. When you come in and take something from me before I have an opportunity to figure it out on my own, you determine my capability for me. If I am going to keep control, it is on whether or not I can do something.
So yeah, it’s really getting me mad. Ok, I’m pissed the fuck off… I’ll be honest. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe, count to ten, and move on from wanting to crush the bastard’s head in for thinking it’s appropriate to take over things from me.
It probably doesn’t help that he never does this to the other guys. He treats me different because I’m a woman… and I hate that. Do not let my gender determine whether or not I can do something well. Back the fuck off that shit. Often that includes the subtext of skull breaking as well.
I am not afraid to ask for help. It is nothing like that. I will ask for help if I feel I am out of my element. But I will not ask for help from people who will not give me the chance to actually sink or swim first. So I don’t want to ask him anything because I don’t want it taken away before I can decide what my ability is.
This is honestly the idea of consent. I don’t want to give anything unless it is on my terms. Maybe that’s selfish or self-centered, but I think that might be the best way to be those things. Consent is a very special thing, and if you take away someone’s right to consent to anything, you take their power. I think that’s why I’m so mad about it every time.
So people, if any of you do this… fucking stop it. Ask before you take something from someone. Give them the right to consent. That’s how you become less of an asshole. It’s not hard. Seriously.
Ok, rant over.
Weeks like this one are when I miss the ex-boyfriend who used to give me a massage almost every time we were together. He could be good to me like that, and honestly, that helped raise my standards on how I wanted to be treated by a man. I think the next one will be required to at least make a genuine effort to massage. After all, I’m tense as all hell and I probably require a ton of work.
Now to get Swagbucks to behave itself so I can go to bed soon.