A guy I was involved with years ago found me on Facebook… I may have mentioned that before but tired, so apologies if I have.
I sort of broke down and told him that my cousin is dying. Now I feel bad because I know I did it because I was lonely. Because I want to be comforted by someone male and want to fill the hole that my ex-friend left.
Let’s be honest, I deserve to feel guilty for that. I’m using him, and I don’t really want him. But I know he’s going to ask me how I’m doing and give me the attention I want, while I do the stupid girl thing and pine after the man who won’t go for me. He will give me what the man I want won’t give me, because man I sometimes still want is too much of a selfish child to do it.
Why do we give our love and attention to the people who don’t deserve it? That’s not a man or woman thing… that’s a human thing.
We like to talk as though men and women are worlds apart. Mars and Venus. We’re really not, though, are we?
I’m using him to fill an emptiness and finding that it isn’t working. Another person cannot fill a void that you need to close on your own.
Plus, I really cannot ignore the fact that when we were involved years ago, he told me I shouldn’t dye my hair. Oh and that I shouldn’t lose weight. If my attractiveness alters based on those two things, then maybe I am not interested in that man. Even if I decided to try with him again, that will always be in the back of my mind. What if he isn’t happy with something I did to change my appearance?
I’ve spent most of today sleeping. I don’t know if I am making up for lost sleep, or if something is going on with me. Maybe I’m hitting a low again.
I never say depressed. I say “low.”
Anyway, I may nap for a little bit and hope that gets rid of this overwhelmingly tired feeling.
So until tomorrow,