A former manager came to visit my first job that pays the bills. I didn’t realize how much I missed her until I saw her. She even flipped my ponytail like she used to whenever she walked by. That usually annoyed me, but it was immensely endearing whenever it came from her. So I always allowed it.
I think there’s always something to love about those little things people do for you or to you. Little touches, reactions that are just theirs. It gives you a kind of intimacy with that person that I think we sometimes take for granted. Until it disappears and you’re left to fend without it.
That’s actually what I miss about sexual intimacy; the special little moments of touch. Every man I’ve slept with has done something a little different, and I appreciate each one for what he did because it offered a unique moment to each experience. I can tell you exactly how each one’s fingers felt against my skin. It’s amazing that touch is that sensitive.
\]”]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] That was my sisters’ cat’s contribution to this entry. Little brat. Why do cats love to walk on keyboards?
I’m still spending a lot of time thinking about the idea that I have a lot of self-loathing. On BayArt, I dedicated a blog entry to the idea of how my perfectionism plays into this. Of course, while I think perfectionism feeds this, I also think it might be its own separate problem. There is something within me that thinks that it is ok to hate myself.
It’s not ok. I am practicing self-bullying; I am telling the people I try to enter relationships with that I do not respect myself, so it’s ok for them to disrespect me. That’s never ok. None of that will ever be ok. I have to make it stop.
I wish I knew. Is it self-love? Positive affirmations? Slapping myself with a rubber band every time I put myself down?
How do I do this?
I know making this stop isn’t a one-size-fits-all scenario. I have to find what will work for me. But I feel like there has to be something out there that will make me go, “Ah, that’s how I do this. That’s how I stop being an asshole to myself.”
Everything has a solution. I just haven’t found mine, yet.