Minor Rant with the Desire for Confidence

I stayed late at work today because I thought it would be nice to help my ex-friend out instead of leaving him by himself on this sale change. His reaction was to go, “Well, today I would’ve preferred working later on that.”

What. A. Dick. Seriously, someone works an extra two hours, that she didn’t fucking have to, because she didn’t want to leave someone high and dry. So instead, he seemingly goes for why it wasn’t helpful. Is it really that impossible to thank me?

Speaking of thanking… my store manager jokingly said that he had to “beg” me to do it. He laughed and thanked him. I jokingly told the manager, “Way to throw me under the bus, mister boss man!”

Nonetheless, though, that sort of hit a nerve. It was acceptable to jokingly thank the person joking but not sincerely thank the person who offered to help? Oh wait, because I made it harder for him to get out of working with a coworker that is an even bigger dick. Right. I did it to make his life worse (sarcasm, in case you weren’t sure).

God damn, do I deserve a lot more fucking respect than that, and if I were to confront him on it, I’m sure he would probably tell me to grow up or that I am overreacting. Yet, I’m pretty sure I have at least a little bit of a right to feel a bit burned.

It’s not that hard to show some appreciation. So why does it feel like he can’t do that for me? I didn’t do it so that he would appreciate me. Of course, that doesn’t take away the fact that it would’ve been nice to actually get some sort of appreciation. You know, the thing that decent human beings do?

The only thing I can maybe justify is that he is afraid I might get the wrong idea. That would be wrong in the sense that he didn’t just set the option of us to sail… He fucking blew the ship up. I have developed this thing called “self-respect,” and like fucking hell am I going to get involved with falling in love with someone who clearly cannot respect me.

Ok, rant over. I needed to get that off my chest.

I did get back to working out today. It felt great to do some lifting and while I lost a little bit of arm strength, I pretty much kept all my lower body strength. I have to figure out how to keep exercise in my life. It is the best thing for me to do if I want to be anything close to calm.

I’ve found a decent trick to keep myself cooler as the temperature and humidity have been borderline uncomfortable. You know those cooling after-sun gels that are made for sunburn? Yeah, they also help keep you feel a little bit cooler when you’re warm. I put the gel on the back of my neck and that seems to help quite a bit.

I’m also wearing some compression shorts that are made to help keep you cooler. They are definitely keeping me less sweaty, so I have to say that they are most definitely effective. Of course, I’m also hoping that they help keep the varicose veins at bay. They’ve started developing, or maybe I’m just starting to see them because I happen to be smaller than I was.

My neighbor did something today that made me proud of her. She was walking around in a sports bra and shorts, in spite of the fact that she is a thicker woman like myself. I found myself thinking she looked gorgeous, because she was so confident in herself that she found nothing to be self-conscious about in her sports bra and shorts, midriff exposed to the world.

That’s the kind of confident I need to figure out how to be. I want to feel that level of comfort with my body, that level of acceptance. That is the key to being beautiful. It won’t even matter how fat or skinny I am if I can be that confident in myself.

Now, how to get there…



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