I forget how strong my work ethic is… and then I am around people who don’t have that work ethic. The second job I have is basically myself and those people. At first, I was ok with it, because, it takes all kinds and it was still a job I was getting used to.
Well, now I’m pretty much used to it, and it bothers the hell out of me to have a period of 10-15 minutes where I am essentially wasting time. I don’t want to waste time, especially when I lose a lot of it to my jobs.
Today, I decided that I would find the things I could do without having everything. It managed to get me another few minutes of work, so I didn’t waste too much time. That made me feel a little better.
I just want to work. Even when I don’t care, I don’t necessarily want to sit around and do nothing. It feels wrong to me to sit around and do nothing. Hell, even right now, I am running Swagbucks while I type this. If I’m going to be staying up later, I might as well earn a few cents for it.
Of course, the “Type A” people bother me too. I want to work but I also don’t want to be consumed by work, you know? Sometimes, it feels like the Type A person gets a bit too consumed by the work. I mean, I am mostly a Type A though with the way I think my way is best from time to time. It’s something I need to work on.
I found out that Windows 10 allows you to do an orange tint to your monitor. You know, since blue light causes you to stay awake and orange light I think is supposed to remind you of sunset or “nearing natural bedtime.” It’s super subtle right now, but I can tell it is helping me feel less awake and alert. If you haven’t done this and you have a computer that does, I would recommend it. This plus ASMR on YouTube are really helping me relax today.
Here’s something interesting I can tell you all about myself. I really enjoy doctor’s appointments. I find them relaxing. Honestly, my favorite type of ASMR video tends to be the medical role play.
I’ve always wondered why that was, and I think I figured it out in all my thinking during second job today. I am weird about being touched in an intimate way. It feels extremely uncomfortable to me. However, I actually love to be touched, and if I am getting a medical exam, it’s a scientific reason to be touched. There’s nothing intimate about it.
When I’m touched in that scientific way, it relaxes me almost instantly. It wasn’t the first experience that gave me ASMR, though.
That was when I was about 9 years old. My cousin’s girlfriend (now wife of around 17 years I think), french braided my hair. As she brushed and ran her fingers through my hair, I remember getting this blissfully tingly feeling. It was like I could melt into a physical manifestation of bliss. When I get that feeling, I know I am relaxed.
That’s likely also why I love when I get my hair done. It’s not about getting something from me. I have little pressure to be something. I can just follow the instructions and be taken care of. When I realized that, I went, “Well fuck. Maybe there are moments I need to be taken care of instead of doing it all on my own. It might also be the reason I can’t fucking calm down.”
I’m scared of the fact that nobody may want to help take care of me. That it’s selfish of me to want that. Yeah, I have a weird fixation with being selfish… or being a burden.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting things that normal people want. It’s ok to actually be human. Is it bad that I have to actually remind myself of that?