I want to put a rather dark secret on here. It is definitely not optimistic, and honestly, it’s a pretty fucking terrible thought to have. But I cannot seem to stop having the thought, so I want to talk about it.
Sometimes, I wish my father would die. I know you learn in psychology classes that you shouldn’t diagnose the people you know, but when I hear about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it matches him to a tee. He is a cruel, horrible man, and often times, I think the world would be better off without him.
To people who barely know him, he seems nice. He can play off nice in the sense that he wants people to have this inflated idea of how much better a person he is than them. It’s always for himself, though.
Even growing up, if I did something wrong or bad, it was about how it impacted him, how I was inconveniencing him with my existence. If he saw this, he would likely say that I am a liar. That I am the narcissist trying to make myself look like the victim in this situation. He will do anything to make sure I look like the bad guy, and that he has to suffer by being my father.
I keep my head down as often as possible when I’m home. I don’t even like to shower at home because he is bound to yell at me for doing something wrong by showering. He constantly blows money and expects my sisters and I to pick up his slack because we’re basically “lazy fucking bitches and we need to contribute more to this family.”
Of course, that’s mostly me more than my other sisters. Even though I do contribute to the family. He just tends to ignore my contributions because I “think I’m better than him,” which is far from the fucking truth. I just think he’s an asshole and I’d rather not talk to him because he has nothing kind to say to me ever. Well, unless it’s about himself, and he’s looking for validation. If I don’t give it, then I’m the bad person.
He doesn’t work, but he thinks that he’s “sick” so therefore, he can’t work. He would rather get “what the world owes him” rather than work for it him-fucking-self.
Honestly, I probably shouldn’t wish that his existence should end just because he’s an asshole. I do get that, and that it is not my place to decide who deserves to live or die. I’m also aware that it is a little extreme to think that way.
It doesn’t change the fact that I feel that way, though. That I am tired of him yelling at me, and that I want to get out so bad. That I feel so fucking trapped in this house sometimes, but I don’t make enough to be able to even live in a cardboard box on my own in this area.
I am trying to find a way out, though. I know I need to get out of here and get away from him. He is the number one source of the poison that destroys my emotional brain and my biggest source of stress. I’m not even sure it’s fair that I put that much on one person. Maybe there are exceptions, and, in this case, I’m allowed to take that exception.
What I do know is that sometimes, I am scared I could have that within me. After all, he is my father, and I have some of his genetic code running through every cell in my body. I don’t want that part, but it’s not like I can get rid of it. Can I fight like hell against it? Do I have to let that make me into a terrible person? Am I a terrible person? Have I ever made other people feel like this?
I keep hoping that because I ask these questions, it means I am safe. If I care enough to worry that I could hurt other people, maybe it means I’m not narcissistic enough. However, when I am mad, I am hell bent on making someone hurt just because I do, or sometimes I lie to make myself feel more important. Those are narcissistic, aren’t they?
This whole blog occasionally feels like a practice in narcissism. I focus on myself in it… but maybe that’s me taking this fear of being a narcissist (i.e. my father) a bit further than I should. Perhaps I should relax a little about this and go make my empanadas for dinner for most of my family.
I should focus on the things I can improve instead of wishing the bad things away. There is nothing I can do to make people with shitty attitudes better. But, I can be a better human. I can continue to strive for better things, to make better decisions, and to make the world brighter around me.
Good people come out of bad situations all the time. Maybe I just have to be one of those people.