I wrote the title after I finished this entry, and for some reason, when I typed it, I initially said I was not a “Russian Maniac.” While that is certainly true, I clearly didn’t mean that. First off, I’m not Russian, nor do I have any ancestors who could say that they are Russian (Well, that I know of). Secondly, I’m sure a very, very tiny tenth of a percentage of Russians are maniacs. If it’s more than that, I blame the weather. I’m sure winters suck in Russia, and winter is sometimes more than enough to make you a maniac.
Anyway, on to the actual entry…
I worked an extra hour today, and felt like I was rushing around like a maniac since I got home. On the one hand, I like being busy. On the other, though, I miss having all the free time to get things done. I feel like I’m always trying to get things done to the point that I cannot even relax as much as I need.
That’s where this helps, I think. It’s like doing this gives me the opportunity to sit and process my day. I have however long it takes me to write this blog to be by myself. Sometimes, I am interrupted, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that this is me time. This is how I practice at least some self-care.
As I get older, I realize how valuable it is to have those moments of pure solitude, and that I actually love to be alone. If you told 21-year-old Kelsey that she would enjoy solitude in about a decade, she would have thought you were fucking insane.
Why? Because a decade ago, the idea that I would be alone and single at 31 would’ve terrified me. I would’ve wanted to die because I was some lonely little spinster that would regret still being alone.
Do I sometimes wish I wasn’t alone? Absolutely. Humans are social by nature, and I definitely am not outside the curve when it comes to that. However, I’ve become clear on the concept that being alone and being lonely are two very different things. They definitely coexist in the same person with ease… but they are not the same.
Maybe the easiest way to explain how I feel about company is this: I appreciate spending time with others, but I don’t necessarily need to have other people around in order to have a good time.
21-year-old Kelsey never really felt like she could have a good time on her own. Thankfully 31-year-old Kelsey learned.
Seriously, this two jobs things sucks up so much time! Although, I did get the first check from job two in the mail today. It made me realize that this working two jobs thing really is helpful. Once I can start really paying down my debt, again, I will understand the benefits of what I’m doing here.
I just have to keep going at it. That’s right, I pep talk myself. You all should try it sometime, 🙂