The world is being kind to me. I’ve been working every day since Friday, but I only have to make it through the end of this week. I was VERY worried that I was going to be getting all my hours at the current job only on weekends. Surprisingly, they are being kind, and I am still getting mostly weekdays with a couple weekends thrown into the mix.
This is also the first time I am going, “Oh, thank God I only have 20 hours the following week!” It’s such a relief to actually feel that way. Also, I will only be working 36 hours that week thanks to the Fourth of July, which is kind of a big thing here in the U.S. for some reason… Something about a piece of paper called “The Declaration of Independence” giving sovereignty to this big chunk of land in 1776. The plant is closed, so my afternoon that day will be wide open for a good bit of summer fun. Yay!
I devoured dinner about one and a half hours ago and already, I am starving. I feel like I go through phases. Sometimes I could spend an entire day not eating and my body will not send a cue for me to eat. Others, like today, I could probably eat every 20 minutes and my stomach would probably be growling immediately after consuming food. It’s interesting to me because even if I mentally control for activity level, this still is hard to explain.
The “I miss him” mode officially hit. I did really love him, in spite of his attitude and all the ways in which he is likely more fucked up than I am (although I think maybe it’s not so much “more” as it is in different ways). But love isn’t enough when someone isn’t mature or willing enough to jump on board the same boat as you. And he isn’t. I don’t know if he ever will be… at least not in time for me to decide that I want to sail on and find someone who actually knows how valuable I am. I do hope he can get his fucking shit together one day, though.
In ways, I do feel better. Something about this is working, and I will never quite understand why that is. Talking like this, writing every day like this, it does something to me. It keeps me motivated, and increases this desire to live. I don’t want to just exist, writing about the way life remains completely unchanged from day to day. Sure, maybe on a day to day basis, that’s just the way it is. Yet, over this arch of time, like the three months I’ve kept this going, I look at myself and go, “You’ve done well, Kels. You really fucking have.”
I want to keep evolving, to keep setting new goals, and to continue to grow and develop my life, mind, and soul in such a way that I can keep going, “You are crushing this living thing, bitch. Keep it up.”
Life isn’t perfect, and I am always going to have those days where life is a miserable, horrible experience. But I can get beyond that shit. I’ve got 31 years experience… and counting.