Working the Self Muscle in the June Heat

87/30.6

That’s the current temperature at almost 8 P.M. here. Yes, I know plenty of places stay hot like this, and honestly, I could not handle this regularly. It does help me appreciate why I would much prefer cold over hot, though.

I received a delivery notification for an order I placed. It was a fitness tank top. Since I didn’t see it when I got home from work, I decided to check the mail. Sure enough, it was still in the mailbox.

In the process, though, I realized how nice it actually was outside. It’s fucking hot, but the breeze makes it rather tolerable, and I am so glad it’s there. Summer evenings are perfect for grabbing an ice cream cone and walking around while you eat it. That might be one of my favorite things to do: going for a beautiful summer evening walk with a cold dessert and great company.

I can’t remember the last time I did that, either. Of course, with all the super early mornings I work, maybe there’s a reason why. It’s hard to stay up late knowing that you have to work super early the next morning.

Ex-friend wanted to do that once. I already had gone to get ice cream, and I still am super sad that we never did that. I honestly used to picture how I wanted that moment to go. I always saw me in this cute summer dress and him in a t-shirt and shorts. Maybe we would’ve held hands like you do in that sort of “fun” stage of getting to know a person.

Deep down, I am a total hopeless romantic. I want to be unashamed of all the love and passion I have, and to be able to just give it freely. But sometimes, I feel this deep shame about it. I think I am just going to scare people away because I am too nice or sweet or kind or whatever. So I hold back on everything because I don’t want to overwhelm anyone. Of course, then I almost play it too aloof and I think people leave for a different reason.

On the other hand, I am also sort of aloof by nature. I don’t like being super touchy-feely in public, although, in private, I am actually deeply affectionate. My family isn’t really the type that freely touches and kisses and shit like that. We’re a bit puritanical like that. It also takes me a while before I am comfortable with being touched, even if it’s a casual hand on the forearm.

Actually, it leads to my greatest failure. I am an excellent flirt when I want to attract someone. I know how to charm people into my life. However, once I’ve managed to bring them in, I don’t know how to keep up that momentum. It’s like I don’t know how to handle myself at that point because I’m so used to people leaving once they managed to get me.

This is seriously why I like writing things like this. As I do this, I learn so much and begin to really understand myself. I know I stopped being in touch with myself, and that’s what lead me to destruction in most aspects of my life.

Aren’t we all like that, though? When we start to lose touch with ourselves, we start to fall apart and then things begin to fall apart with that. Before we know it, we stop recognizing the person staring at us in the mirror. It’s atrophy for self-concept.

That’s the thing about self-discovery… It’s a muscle. The only way to keep it is to keep working on it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to continue to sweat while sitting completely still.

Kels

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