We All Want to Get Better Fast

Device is returned. It looks like all is good on the phone thing. Finally, something settled down a little! Maybe now I can actually get my pre-employment drug test done since I will be able to actually show them the email with my special number. Oh drug testing… Don’t we all just love pissing in a cup.

I also did leg day at the gym. I keep thinking about doing dumbbell squats and stuff like that to add to my program, but for some reason, I feel deeply self-conscious about using dumbbells. Maybe it’s because I know I’d have bad form. Of course, I could get myself a training session so I don’t have to feel so awkward, but having people look at me while I do things just makes me more awkward.

Although, who the fuck am I kidding? I am always a bit awkward. That’s why I’m currently at home, on the computer, typing this entry while I listen to an ASMR boyfriend roleplay. At this point, that’s the closest I’m getting to having a boyfriend, and I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing for me.

I doubt my ability to be a good girlfriend. Seriously, I do. It’s like I want to be so bad, but I keep holding myself back from letting someone get that close. I’m afraid to disappoint, or that they can’t handle me. That’s part of the reason I keep working on this blog; I want to figure my shit out so that maybe I won’t keep having these, “You’re a shitty human being” thoughts.

I think the proper terminology is building self-confidence, and while I know I am getting better and more confident, I am also still struggling so hard. Is this one of those fucking examples of “Rome wasn’t built in a day” type cliches? Because I think it probably is, and while I know that is so true, it also frustrates me in the sense that I just want to be better.

Of course, we all feel that way, don’t we? We all just want to be better, happier, with our shit together and that fucking fantastic attitude. Realistically, we also all know that even the people who do meet those criteria have days where they’re going, “Fuck the world. I’m going to Netflix and Chill alone.”

That sounds like I’m saying we all just go watch porn and masturbate. While there’s certainly nothing wrong with either of those things (Well, low budget porn tends to have some very shady practices that can make it unappealing in a human rights aspect), I am actually sort of imagining the “I make myself into a blanket burrito on the couch and maybe occasionally move for snacks and to remind Netflix that I am alive when they ask every few hours.”

Anyway, I am currently melting a bit. It’s only going to manage to get down to 69 degrees (Oh boy, and I was just talking about porn… Apologies, my mind has entered “gutter mode”), or about 20 for you Celsius users. I’d much rather the high only be around 20 Celsius, but I guess not wanting to be a meat sack covered in sweat is too much to ask from the world today.

On that slightly disgusting note, this girl is taking herself to bed.



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