Did you ever notice how difficult showering can be when you’re in the middle of a depressive episode? Also, do you also kind of loathe the idea that it is called an episode? You know, like it’s some source of meaningless entertainment rather than some debilitating illness that you really don’t want to have?
Fuck, spelling debilitating was harder than it should have been… It took six tries to get it right for some reason. Send me back to school… Oh wait, I’m too poor and they’re attempting to seriously cut the education budget here. Right.
Anyway, back to the cleanliness thing. I’ve been in a slacking mode, and I think it’s because I am starting to want to slip into a low. Rather than letting it happen completely, I am trying to take mental inventory and figure out what is causing it.
Part of me thinks it has to do with my ex-friend, because I’m beating myself up for feeling this subtle desire to forgive him and try being friends again. I shouldn’t beat myself up; really, I shouldn’t. After all, it is immensely natural to remember the good in someone when you are removed from the situation that started the fucking quagmire. I believe they call that “nostalgia.”
On the other hand, I also know it’s good that I am critically assessing the idea rather than falling for the charisma of nostalgia. It means I might actually be figuring out this concept of self-value. Do I know that I can trust him to be a person that will enhance my value rather than diminish it? Would it also be fair for me to expect him to change for the sake of my value? I don’t feel the answers are definitive yeses to both those questions, which logically, makes me realize that I have every right to question it.
The emotional side, on the other hand, is a little less cut and dry. I am still attracted to him, and I still see the value he has in the good parts of him. It’s not like those things simply disappear. People don’t lose their good points just because they treated you like shit at one time or another. I mean, I personally would have a lot less trouble making decisions in life if people were that cut and dry. Let’s face it; people are fucking complicated, and it’s never really going to be “This person is simply good and this other one is simply bad.”
Well, I’d argue that Hitler and the Khmer Rouge (God, did I spell that right?) were simply bad, because I think if you make a decision that includes the slaughter of millions of people, then you don’t really get to have a “redeeming category” line. Maybe someone could find redeemable categories for both. I don’t think I’d want to be that compassionate, but I would maybe applaud them so long as they were also cognizant of how horrible they were.
This is why I love writing my blog. It allows me to sort of discuss these random topics without feeling like I might be too cerebral and unable to relate to people. I don’t want to say that I “dumb myself down” for people, but I do know that some people are unwilling and incapable of tackling some topics. That’s ok, and it doesn’t make them stupid. It just means I am a different person.
Creating value with depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness is harder. I don’t think it’s impossible, but I think it is fair to say that it is more challenging. Sometimes, I think it really does take medication to solve it. Others can simply run from it… literally.
I am fortunate to be one of those that can run from it. Well, I jog because I’m still fairly fat and slow, but it counts. For me, taking care of myself is a way I can manage my mental state. Writing is another. So, if I’m diligent with both, I can keep my lows from derailing me, and that’s a beautiful thing.
Am I always going to win? No. For instance, yesterday, I struggled to want to do anything. I managed to accomplish some things, but I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted. That’s not the end of the world.
Well, as is customary on my Thursdays, I am going grocery shopping, so I will talk to you all more tomorrow.