It’s official. In terms of the hormonal mess calendar, I have hit the “I need salty, garbage food, and no fucking ‘healthy lifestyle’ bull shit is stopping me” day. Which is pretty much when the hormonal bitch leaves and gets replaced by normal Kelsey. Thank fucking God. I needed to return to more clarity of judgment.
I don’t know if I had mentioned this before, but I also work with my ex-friend’s mom. Maybe I have, since she’s basically the step right below management. The thing about her is that she has her flaws, but I may adore her almost as much as I’ve adored her son.
Well, I don’t entirely know if she’s aware that her son and I are no longer as close as we were. I decided to ask her about her vacation, because I knew that they were gone this past week, and she proceeds to talk about it like he already informed me where they went and what they were doing. Based on the information I did get, I am pretty sure they went camping. They’ve been trying to go once a year, so it would make sense that that was what they did.
Luckily, we both got busy with other work before I got up the courage to ask where they went. I don’t know if I have the heart to tell her that her son is being a jackass to me, again. That I am not sure that anything is getting salvaged this time, because I don’t know if he can ever learn to respect me.
The work I’ve done in the past two months, and the things I’ve learned are shaping me. I am becoming a person that I go, “Ok, I can like this person. This person deserves love from myself and others.” I’m also understanding that I don’t need everyone to like or love me, and that it is ok that people don’t like or love me… or even that I don’t see people as being worthy of my investment.
Yesterday’s blog had me thinking. What if I manage to attract him again? What if he wants to return to a friendship? I don’t know if I can. He wasn’t good to me that last time, and I’m not willing to put up with that, anymore. That makes me wonder if it would require him to change, and even if it would be good for him, I cannot put that expectation on him. I’m not a perfect person, but I am a person that should be treated with decency.
Friends have tried telling me this for years. I think I was afraid that expecting to be treated fairly was the same as being arrogant. It’s not. Fuck anyone who can’t treat you fairly… Well, not in the sexual relations way, because that is going against the whole premise of what I’m saying. Of course, I did fuck someone who couldn’t treat me fairly, so I’m a bad example… But I’m learning, damnit!
Ok, I’m rephrasing. Don’t waste your time on someone who cannot treat you the way you should be treated. Everyone deserves to not be treated like shit. So don’t let anyone treat you like shit. Yeah, that’s what I mean. So there.
Of course, here I am, wondering whether or not someone could treat me the way I want to be treated. And feeling a strong sense that maybe that answer is no. Why does that make me feel guilty to think that he isn’t good at treating me the way I should be treated? I mean, there’s nothing to feel guilty about with that.
So that’s about all for today. I’m going to probably sleep early in order to keep the crabby bitch hormones at bay until they disappear by the morning, hopefully.