Trust, Learning What You Want, and the Things You Don’t Know

I have completely stopped talking to the coworker who most likely told my friend the things I hoped would happen between him and I. Sure, it won’t fix the damage already done, but honestly, I don’t want her kind of people in my life. She is clearly a sad human being who wants to ruin people’s lives. So I think she finally got the hint that I am no longer interested in talking to her. 

Should I feel like I am being petty? Yes. Because I really sort of am. 

Meanwhile, he is being nice. He asked me a non-work question about grammar. I answered and he was respectful enough to listen. It still made me super skeptical of him; it’s like I now refuse to trust that he has good motives. That is sad, to think about how I trusted him with so much and now, my instinctual reaction is to not want to give him more than what is necessary. 

It often makes me wonder if I am just incapable of trust. If after a certain point, I put up the wall out of fear that everyone is inevitably going to give me a reason not to trust them. 

Then, I have to wonder why I am so willing to put up walls. If this is what leads me to be alone. How can anyone break through if you’re too busy not letting them? 

It is something I struggle with so much. How do I trust someone with the knowledge they could hurt me? How do I accept vulnerability without being too afraid of it? 

Seriously, this shit is tough. And the closest I got to beating this to submission… He gave up on me. 

That is the center of it. I feel like he gave up on me, and it hurts. Because I didn’t ever think he would. I wanted him to keep believing in me, and he stopped. Well fuck. 

I think ultimately, that is what I want in life from a partner. Someone like him, but maybe not so fucked up that he has to keep pushing me away and strong enough to keep believing in me. Even when I want to run to “keep myself safe.” Now where the hell is that man? 

I just saw a commercial for this building near my home. I never knew what it was; now, I know it is for retirement planning. It’s funny how you can be so close to something but have no information about it. 

That’s about all I have for today. I will be back for more, tomorrow.

Kels

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