Holy shit, am I glad I prewrote part four, because I am tired. As fucking all hell. I literally am just getting to this now, after being up since 3 A.M. It has been a super long day, and I am excited for the prospect of lying down and sleeping. Hopefully, that will be soon.
Anyway, here is part four. Enjoy.
So I started high school at about 190 pounds, and I would pretty much only oscillate between 200-210 through high school. Once again, I rarely weighed myself. All I can remember for sure is that the scale said 209 when they wanted my weight for my cap and gown.
I was right that it was easier to make friends in high school. I sort of started high school with the idea of being a total sass bucket. The first day of marching band, a senior was trying to get me to smile because, you know, people who smile are better than people who don’t, even if you don’t feel like smiling. Instead, I stuck my tongue out at him, and he told me that wasn’t the right attitude to have.
In high school, I ended up becoming friends with people who came from different junior high schools. I had a built in group who went to places together, who had fun. My summers were no longer spent alone most of the week. Instead, I could go to a friend’s house and swim in her pool, go to the movies or the drive-in with a group of six other people. They accepted me, and I finally had somewhere I felt like I fit in.
Sure, it wasn’t always perfect, but for the most part, high school was actually not bad to me in the friends department. Boys, on the other hand, were starting to become interesting… But I literally had no idea how to attract them. I thought if I was nice, if I told them I liked them, then they would appreciate the bravery and come to me. Nope. At that point, I didn’t understand you could subtly express interest and make it a game for them to attract you.
Also, I think you can sense when someone is not confident, and I think boys tended to notice that about me. Even my band director told me a few times that I needed to play with more confidence. My best friend also told me that I would sing well if I could do it with confidence and support.
Yet, I had no idea how to be confident. Even when I started on the right track, something was always there to bring me down. Sometimes, it was my dad, screaming at me for not being considerate enough, for making his life difficult (Did I mention that he was still a heavy drinker at this point?), and anything else he could pin on me being a terrible human being.
Plus, like I said, I was about 200-210 at this point, and I was only 5’4″ (Is that about 163 cm metric people? I know it’s 2.54 cm per inch, but I don’t feel like doing the math, ha ha). Yeah, I basically stopped growing by high school, since I am still 5’4″ at 31. I’m not holding out a lot of hope for another growth spurt.
Needless to say, people still dug at my size once in a while. Typically, it was in the gym locker room. I would be switching from pants or shorts to my school bottoms, and if I was struggling with my jeans (which, I often was, to be honest), there would be a “Suck it in, fatass!” coming from somewhere. It would bother me, but, at that point, I sort of realized that eventually, I could lose the weight if I wanted.
So yeah, I wasn’t ignorant to the idea that I could lose the weight. I just never did. Mostly because I was easily discouraged by setbacks. That or I would let that ugly inner voice remind me that failure was always going to knock me down. Also, I was focusing on other things, like college, or extracurricular activities. Or trying to figure out how to actually get boys to like me.
It was this framework that would help me during a good chunk of my twenties, and I think I will cut it off here so we can discuss the post high school and twenties on its own in part five.
Thanks for continuing on this ride with me,