Guys… I made a boo-boo. Instead of going to the gym after work, a coworker and friend invited me to go to lunch with her at this place called Portillos. Now, unless you’re local to the Chicago, Illinois area (as well as the one in Florida and I think two in southern California), you have no fucking idea what Portillos is. Basically, it is a local burger, beef sandwich, and hot dog chain. Chicagoland natives (like myself) obsess over this place.
The thing is, none of that shit is even in the neighborhood of healthy. They have a chopped salad, but even calling that “healthy” is probably pushing the envelope. However, it is fucking delicious, and I thought, “It would be good to go.”
It was, because the last time I went was with ex-friend. I reminisced about how he would grab lots of napkins, and I would probably steal half of them. Eventually, I think he probably just brought extra because I’m the motherfucking sloppy American who can’t remember to grab some fucking extra napkins.
He could be considerate and great to spend time with when he didn’t have to be such an arrogant fuck-face. That’s the part of him I miss. Actually, I even miss the fact that he’s an arrogant fuck-face. But, damn it, I am working so hard to resist falling back into that obsession that made me lose sight of my personal value.
Maybe it sounds like I want to erase him, but I don’t. I think we all know that it’s impossible to erase someone you cared about so deeply. Not to mention, it is unfair to the time you shared. Moments don’t have to stop being special simply because the relationship changed or dissolved.
However, I don’t think it is unwise to try to make new memories in places that used to be part of your time together. For me, it eases the pain, because then I don’t have to mourn. Instead, I can let the good memory with every person be part of a collection of good memories in that place. It also provides ammunition that can help to break the cycle of making it about that person.
So, in a way, it was good for my mental health. My physical health, well… probably not the best decision. I’m not going to beat myself up for that, though. I don’t have to be obsessed with working out and tracking my macros, and all that shit. I’m allowed to slip up one fucking day. That’s part of the human condition; we all are capable of fucking up, and we have to learn that that’s ok.
I’ve always seen that shit about how forgiving yourself is like some sort of fucking magic. The fucking bastards who say that are on to something, though. Self-forgiveness might be one of the most liberating things I have ever discovered. I feel so much better not expecting so much from myself.
Anyway, since I only have 49 minutes in my local time zone before I fuck up my daily entry thing… I am cutting it off here.