How the flying fuck did I manage to get up to 22 followers when I wasn’t paying attention? It’s pretty damn cool, though, and I am glad you are all here to listen to my crap. I mean, once in a while, some real gems come out of me, so maybe that helps. Thanks for all the love, though. I truly appreciate you hanging in here with me.
I actually made a couple memos on my phone for today’s entry, because there were a couple different things I wanted to discuss. Also, I have a story to tell. I’m not entirely sure how to process this, so I’m putting it out there to either get some self-analysis, or even some external input. I think I turned on comment moderation, but I’m pretty open to accepting comments if I feel they help the flow of conversation or provide some useful feedback for another individual.
Memo number one says, “Hey Bitch! Why don’t you discuss dieting? I don’t think you’ve talked about that yet.”
Thanks me. I hope you mean “Bitch” in a non-derogatory way. You know, like that sort of “homeboy” version of “Bitch.” Is using “homeboy” still a thing or am I making myself seem like a bordering on middle-aged woman desperately clinging to the idea that she’s cool? For the record, I was never cool, so I don’t hold on to any crazy notion like that.
Anyway, fucking dieting… My simple idea is that fad diets are a terrible idea for weight loss if you plan on doing them your entire journey. However, I am currently counting my macros, in the sense that I want to have proper proportions. I am also sort of following the idea of calorie cycling, oscillating between basically 1500 and 2500 calories. My maintenance calorie level is around 2400 (which I found out here), and I like to try to get enough calories to support my basal metabolic rate of 1500ish calories, since I know I’m relatively active these days. Basal metabolic rate is essentially how many calories you burn simply by existing. At least, that’s the best way I can put it.
Oh yeah, macros, for those of you who may not be up on the “fitness lingo” are macronutrients, which are your basic food components. These are your carbohydrates, your fats, and your proteins. I get to make lame flight/astronaut jokes by asking myself how many g’s I’ve pulled. It amuses me… so yeah… science.
If you want to know more about this whole macros thing, I learned a good chunk of what I know from this YouTube video by Fat Meets Fire. I compounded this with my own research, and decided that tracking macros was a good thing for me to try. Also, I like that he tells you to experiment and see what works for you. That is super fucking important.
Ok, I clearly didn’t actually write down the second thing, so we are going to forget that one and go straight to story time. So, here I am, accepting the idea that my ex-friend doesn’t want to be friends anymore, and how it’s his loss, because I’m such a neat person to know and stuff. Well, today, he got a dirty look from a coworker. A group of us used to refer to receiving this look as getting “murder faced.” For the record, I’m well-aware that murder really isn’t a funny thing. We just have a twisted sense of humor.
Anyway, as a joke, my ex-friend and I talked about how we should make horror/slasher movies with this coworker as the killer and call them “Mister <Insert Coworker’s Name Here because I Want to Keep His Name Private>.” We even came up with the whole plot and how many movies it would take. It was mostly a thing between the two of us.
The only reason I mention this is because my ex-friend brought it up as he joked about getting the “murder face” today from this coworker. While it was absolutely relevant, and we discussed aloud during work, it was sort of “our” thing. This running gag between two friends trying to get through a super early morning at work. It was just one of those things where we understood each other and built off each other in such an amusing way.
Am I reading too much into the fact that he brought that up? Or that he actually laughed for a change when I managed to put a solid, hilarious burn on another coworker? I’m trying to keep my distance, because I’m so afraid I might be reading too much into things. But then part of me wonders if moments like that are just him missing me, too. Like maybe we were both letting that stubborn, passionate side get the best of us and forgetting the things that made us truly amazing friends. We are both so good at dramatizing things that probably shouldn’t be a big deal.
Once again, though, I’m back at, “He ignored you for well over a month with zero explanation. It upset the hell out of you. If you go back to being friends, you are telling him it’s ok that he treated you that way when it really isn’t acceptable.”
Plus, there are legitimate trust issues there. He couldn’t trust me enough to talk to me about the things he heard, to give me the civil discussion I so thoroughly deserved. But I didn’t trust him not to be reasonable enough to hear me out.
Like I said, though, I could be reading something into nothing. It was just a memory, not a declaration. The words, “I miss you” never left his mouth. Although, they damn well should because I was a pretty spectacular friend to him in spite of being hopelessly attached to him. With my regained power, I might be even more awesome, and he’s going to miss out.
Maybe I’m just projecting a desire to have our relationship fixed so I can have my “instant lunch and a movie” buddy back. Maybe it’s me continuing to miss him and hoping that that feeling is mutual. Maybe I’m hoping that maybe he can remember the value I brought to his life and figure out that I deserve to be valued in return.
Of course, it is just as likely he will never change and his stubborn ass will just have to live without my also stubborn, but oh so pretty, ass. Either way, life goes on, and I will continue to focus on how to make myself happy again.