I am going to tackle a subject that I haven’t really discussed yet. Partially, I ignore it because of fear of it being read. I can handle my ex-friend seeing what I say, good or bad, simply because I’m only minimally scared of him retaliating. The person I am tackling today… Well, he makes the ex-friend seem like a saint.
The person is my father. We’ve had a rocky relationship for decades at this point. He tends to assume it is my fault, that I became some sort of arrogant bitch that needs to be knocked down a few pegs. In reality, it’s because he demands respect while offering no kindness in return. He’s an asshole, unless he wants something. He treats people like garbage but then says it’s their fault that he has to treat them that way.
Simply put, he’s probably some part of why I go for guys who don’t respect me as much as they should. And some part of why I don’t respect myself as much as I should.
For instance, today, I came home from the gym and the store. I bought stuff that was mainly for me, but also bought stuff for the house. Like minced garlic… because this house loves garlic. So, here I am, carrying in an 8-pack of Gatorade, 3 bags of groceries, my purse, and my gym bag. I want to get shit accomplished today because it’s a day off. He sees me, and immediately asks if I have work. When I say, “No.” He goes, “Good, because I need you to do stuff for me.”
Honestly, I don’t mind doing stuff for other people. I mind doing it for him, because he’s the type that will constantly tell you what you’re doing wrong while sitting on his ass and doing jack shit. He doesn’t work, but because he’s “disabled and dying,” he decides that he should only have to do nothing and everyone else should do everything for him. Meanwhile, he smokes, drinks, and basically only eats red meat every single day.
How am I supposed to be willing to help someone I know will only take advantage and belittle me the entire time? I can only shut out so much of the noise before it starts impacting me. Plus, when I ask him for help, it usually results in being yelled at for essentially “being an idiot.” So now, rather than getting shit done, like I initially planned, I am hiding in my bedroom, trying to find ways to not have to deal with him.
My mom put it nicely the other day. He was great until he realized that he had to actually be a grown-up. Then, he began to become a total dick. He’s the kind of man who probably shouldn’t have a wife and children, and yet, here he is. Here I am, the first born. The one that he probably hates the most because I am the reason he had to become a grown-up in the first place.
Last night, a thought crossed my mind. I wondered if ex-friend kept my number, again. I didn’t, but I put his number back in my phone. Well, I sort of guessed at it, so I really don’t even know if it’s actually his number. It’s like I don’t want to be blindsided if he contacts me again. If I know it’s him, then I can be prepared, and I can act accordingly.
Also, it’s like I am testing my internal strength. I could text him. I could call him, message him, whatever. But can I resist it… even when it’s so fucking easy to do? That’s what I want to try. It’s like I want the temptation so I can develop the strength to say, “No, that’s not what I need to happen.”
I think that’s my theme of the year, basically. Finding my strength, getting my groove back. Feeling like the me I deserve to be and not letting the disappointments capsize my boat every time. I am ready to make things happen. At least until the next thing tries to capsize my boat.