I went to the gym today, but I couldn’t concentrate. It was like a switch flipped inside me. All that desire to figure out how to be that strong, confident woman was gone. I wanted to go home, cry for an hour, and miss the hell out of someone who doesn’t seem to miss me.
Instead, I made myself walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes and shower. Of course, I ended up crying in the shower, but thankfully, because it was in the gym, I was quiet about it rather than being that boisterous, blubbering mess that I could’ve been. I got out, went to my car, and sat for about an hour. I opened Facebook and proceeded to write this long thing about how he hurt me and how unfair it was and blah, blah, blah.
I deleted it. I tried writing it again. Deleted it a second time.
It took almost an hour before I drove home, and the entire drive home I cried. Seriously, I was a motherfucking waterfall with these ridiculous tears. So when I got home, I tried to write another letter. Again, I deleted it.
Then, I was getting pissed at myself. Why was I deleting this? Didn’t I want him to know how much he hurt me?
Yes… but no. No, I didn’t.
I can write him 100 letters. It doesn’t matter. Do I want him back? At moments. Is that good for me? I don’t know. Sometimes I think no, because he was a pretentious dick and I’m a sensitive bitch. Other times, I think if we could’ve just gotten over ourselves, we would’ve been damn good for each other.
The thing is, writing that long ass note wouldn’t make him want me back. Living my life and turning myself into the great person I deserve to be? Like fucking catnip is to cats. At that point, though, maybe I will really understand that he isn’t worth my time and I totally deserve a man that won’t give me the runaround a million times.
I hate these moments, but I need them. When I break, it means I’ve broken through. The real work is about to begin, and I’m so excited.
It’s been a while since I felt really good about what the rest of the year has in store for me. But I feel really damn good about what’s coming… Good, bad… all of it. I’m ready.