I was looking at the time stamps on my entries, and it looks like I skipped a day, when, in reality, I haven’t. I’m guessing this is because it’s probably set at the line, rather than my time zone. I can’t actually think of what the Greenwich time line is called for some reason because my brain and words are incompatible today.
So, instead of waiting to write this in the evening, I decided I would write this now, while I’m trying to blitz my Swagbucks earnings (I’m probably within 30 minutes of my goal). It’ll be kind of like I did two entries in a day, since I’m doing this one about 15 hours after I finished the other.
I actually wanted to discuss a particular subject, today, and that’s entitlement. I think that ideology is a gateway to pessimism. There are certain things I feel we are entitled to, like having our basic needs met. So, food, water, air, shelter, basic healthcare and education… I think those are absolute entitlements.
Above that, I think you need to work for it, and well, I think some people aren’t willing to do that. Are there certain things that are unfair? Hell yes. Privilege is an absolute in society, and it means that some people are going to have to work harder than others. I get how that is absolute bull shit.
For instance, I don’t think it’s fair that as a white woman, I don’t have nearly as many things to worry about as a woman of color. However, as a woman, I don’t think it’s fair that I can do the exact same work as a man and get paid less for it. This isn’t me being entitled, so much as an expectation of fairness.
So what does entitlement look like? Well, a person I know feels that they deserve more hours than everyone simply because of their title. Even if someone is better suited to the job, or can even perform the job just as well as they can, they feel that their “title in an unrelated area” means that they deserve more. That, to me, is entitlement.
I ask for things based on my own ability to do them, or whether or not I enjoy them. I don’t do it with the idea of intentionally screwing someone over, or because I think I am better than them. I’ve realized that there are plenty of people that do not work that way because of the idea of entitlement, the idea that “I deserve more than you.”
Entitlement is an ugly thing, and I think it stems from insecurity. I think that when you are feeling insecure, you reach for entitlement, because the “I deserve more than you” mentality gives you satisfaction. It makes you feel higher on the ladder when you don’t feel good about yourself in other ways.
I was starting to feel that pull towards entitlement at work. Mostly because I felt like if I wasn’t selfish about my need for hours, I would lose them to the other brats who threw a fit to get what they wanted. Honestly, I think now that I’m trying to get away from that, I might be losing in subtle ways. It might just mean I need a job that will appreciate the value I bring to their company rather than just placating the whiniest, most dramatic bitches who want to have their broken egos stroked.
The more I get into taking care of myself, the more I realize that a job is just a job. That there are millions upon millions of things that are more important in this world, and at this point, I do it to collect a paycheck to help pay for bills until I figure out my next move in life. I’m not stuck in this job, and it does not define me.
I refuse to let this shit knock me down this time, because I am not as much like my ex-friend as I used to think. I don’t accept defeat after a while. I’m not afraid to legitimately try, even if I get hurt in the process. I am capable of seeing past my selfish, narcissistic, “woe-is-me” bull shit, and actually make real progress. I don’t find the constant stream of negative in people just so I can feel valid in pushing them away. And I feel sorry for him that he is this way, because I have the compassion to realize that I don’t need to bring him down to make myself feel better anymore.
Yeah, I still think about him a lot, because I do care. I can’t fix him or help him, and I never expected to fix or help him if he was unwilling to accept it. Yet, I do legitimately feel bad for him that he cannot see how much he could improve if he would stop giving up all the time. If he could only see something good through the bad, through the hiccups, and the times that it doesn’t go according to plan. If he could just give something the benefit of the doubt for a change, and not be so god damn arrogant about the idea that he is forever broken.
Yes, deep down, I still believe in the good in him, which is why I hate him so much for using his demons against me. Hate is merely hurt from still giving a damn. I know I need to stop giving a damn, because sometimes, you have to let a man continue to placate the demons he doesn’t want to let go.
It’s why I want to focus on me. Just because he refuses to get better doesn’t mean that I deserve to punish myself for not being able to help him.
That’s my lesson for the day. Take care of yourself the most when you want to be mad at your failure to help others. People need to fix themselves, and you can’t do that if they are too stubborn to take the first steps. Use those steps to learn how to walk away.