Jogging, Backsides, and Rediscovering Lost Confidence

I managed to jog a little today. It was pretty awesome, because I’ve been tempted to do it for about a week or two. I knew I couldn’t do more than maybe a minute at a time, so I decided that I would jog for a minute and walk for two or three minutes. I did that pattern four times on the treadmill at the gym today.

It’s something I’m proud of, because I never saw myself as a jogging or running type. Honestly, I probably won’t be a regular runner, either, because I do think that an overabundance of running will only hurt your knees in the long run. However, some running is fantastic for you, I think. Maybe one day I will get there. Until then, I am going to be happy with the fact that I managed to jog for four minutes.

My stomach feels sort of weird today. I think it’s because I’ve been waking up extremely early for the past few days. Tomorrow was supposed to be my sleep-in day, but instead, I agreed to go in to work for about four hours. It’s a nice little bounce for my income, even if my sleep cycle hates me a little for it. Of course, I don’t have to work at 4:00 A.M., so it is kind of like sleeping in. That’s what I’m telling myself to not go, “Fucking Kelsey… I swear…”

Old friend is sort of being an asshole, again. The funny thing is, I’m only pissed off for a moment, and then I go, “You know what? Fuck him. Fuck him if he can’t see your awesome, sparkly personality and wants to deprive himself of your rather fantastic booty.”

I’m trying to take pride in some of my physical features. My butt has actually become one of them. As a heterosexual female, I understand the fact that heterosexual males tend to enjoy a good butt. The idea of a “good butt” may vary from man to man, but nonetheless, lots of men love the butt.

It’s not that my butt is perfect. Like any rather heavy girl, I have some cellulite things going on with my butt (but skinny ladies get that, too. Damn cellulite trying to take us all down!). However, I like that even at its size, it has a nice shape. At least, if I see a woman with a butt shaped like mine, I think, “Wow, she’s got a nice butt.”

Straight women who read my blog… Do you ever do that, too? Do you look at other women and notice the appealing aspects of their bodies? I mean, I’m definitely not interested in actually having sex with women, but sometimes, I do check women out and think, “Damn, she’s pretty sexy.”

Actually, that’s part of why I often think sexual attraction is more of a slide scale rather than pinpointed locations. How else would I explain the fact that I do understand and appreciate the sensuality of a woman’s body?

I’m finding that I am reconnecting with the me that made that old friend attracted to me in the first place. It’s the me I like being, the me that feels most like “me.” That sass, the intelligence, and the confidence.

The last item was the one I missed the most. When you’re trying so hard to impress someone else, you place your value in someone else’s hands. That is such a confidence killer, especially when you can’t seem to elicit the reaction you want. Clearly, I didn’t with him, but it took until now to stop blaming myself for it.

It’s still super hard, though. That “selfishness” fear keeps cropping up. I think that focusing on making me the best possible me for me feels wrong to me. It feels like I am just going to be another one of those “self-absorbed” assholes. I don’t want to be a self-absorbed asshole; I want to be good, kind, caring… a decent fucking human being. But I know I can’t neglect myself in that process, so I have to figure out that balance.

Every fucking thing is about balance, isn’t it. Nature really likes its patterns.

And now… to go seek out my favorite patterns: eating and sleeping.

Kels

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