For the first time in a long time… I am ok with the fact that I am indefinitely single. It doesn’t bother me that I don’t have a crush on anyone, and that I am making no progress in that arena of my life. Maybe the only thing I miss is sex.
I know there are options for sex without a connection to another person… but I’m really not that type of woman. I cannot have sex with a person and have it mean nothing the next day. Sex should have a bit of magic and playfulness to it, certainly, but I know it thrives when you have that immense connection to a person.
I do miss my friend, though. You know that feeling of an empty house or room right before you move away? I think that’s the best way to describe the feeling. I’m looking at this empty space, a space he used to fill with his thick, scratchy beard and great laugh. But he’s the jackass who “couldn’t figure out” (i.e. kept making excuses rather than trying) how to love me… and it’s never going to be fair to me to have to keep waiting for him to figure out how to treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
It’s hard when you’re still sitting in your car with the keys in your hand, though. You want to go back in, put all the furniture back where it “belongs.” There was a comfort to never truly having to commit to him because he was never going to be willing to make that effort.
Oddly enough, I’m reaching that point where I sort of feel sorry for him. He blamed me for “force” when I never did. Not once. It’s like he needed something to be wrong with me… so he could take it off himself. So he didn’t have to think about the fact that he never actually tried with me… He only made excuses. He’s a pessimist, and the thing is… I think he doesn’t want to stop being one. It’s why he won’t get ahead in life, and why he will always accept his life even when he hates it. For that, I feel sorry for him. You can’t get ahead if you are content with knocking yourself down.
I think I always worried that one day, he was going to wake up, realize what a beautiful fucking gift I was to him, and never let me get away. Then I woke up and realized that this is the one thing he is never going to realize. His loss.
The beautiful thing is I do actually believe it’s his loss. I know I’ve been a bit off the past couple of years, but I am a good, kind, wonderful human being underneath all of this. And honestly, it shouldn’t be considered arrogant to admit that. I mean, I’m no fucking Mother Teresa, and I’m probably not going to win any sort of prize for the level of good that I am. Yet, that doesn’t make it a false statement.
For instance, a girl that can be a negative, royal pain in the ass at work… I made her day. Because she felt self-conscious in a top that she honestly had no reason to feel self-conscious in. She looked beautiful in it, and I made sure she knew that. Sometimes she may be difficult to work with, but that definitely doesn’t mean she is exempt from receiving a legitimate compliment from me. I say that the world needs more good and positive in it, so I damn well better lead by example.
So what is there to take away from today for me? You can acknowledge shitty things in life but still choose not be an asshole. Actually, I think that’s my day-to-day life. I usually call it “being a motherfucking lotus.” Yes, it includes “motherfucking” because it’s me, and the word “fuck” is a staple of speech. The other lesson? Some people are always going to make excuses why they can’t… and it isn’t your job to make them stop their bull shit. Feel sorry for them and move on.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to eat my very healthy dinner of fish and asparagus.
Try to be a Lotus in Your Own Life Today,