People… I’ve done it. I’ve fucking done it. 213,828 as of this moment. I am now averaging over 10,000 steps per day for the month of April, and there are still a few more days this month. Boom.
I am fucking proud of myself. Proud. A month ago I was crying in bed because someone was ignoring me. Now, here I am, doing things to make myself go, “He was right. I can succeed, and this is just the first step on the path.”
When I think about the past month, I find myself feeling proud. This is the 29th post I’ve written… I think. I could look, but eh. That is 29 consistent entries, and I merely wanted to prove to myself that daily blogging was going to be good for my health and well-being. It turns out, I was totally fucking right. I use “fuck” a lot more when I feel any sort of excitement.
It feels really fucking new-agey… but I like to trust that gut feeling when it says, “Yeah, bitch. You’re going the right direction.” Right now, the gut is telling me I’m making the right steps. I’m doing the right things and making the right choices. This is what I need to do to be a recovering pessimist.
Am I worried about a relapse? Oh yeah. Part of me will always wonder if that other shoe is going to drop… if the universe is waiting for the right moment to knock me onto my ass.
It sort of did when I checked my bank balance today. I realized I am not going to have the money to see Jason Aldean. While I was disappointed, I took it as an opportunity to go, “Ok, how can I change this so I can stop saying no to all these enjoyable activities?”
I don’t know about all of you, but that attitude, that thought of what I can do better… that is the shit that is going to keep me going. It sucks letting the world knock you down, letting your attitude set you up for failure. And I’m done doing that. I wanted off the twisted carousel, so I’m finding a way to get the hell off.
I certainly acknowledge pessimism. Sometimes, “What did I do to deserve this?” is a valid question. Guess what? Most of the time, the answer is “nothing,” because shit was beyond your control. I’ve talked about shifting the focus to change your perspective before, and I think this is another way that idea applies.
You can stew in your own victimization for as long as you want. The only way you are going to move on, though, is to accept the label and say, “Ok, what am I going to do with this?”
This is probably what Buddhist monks try to get people to understand when they ask you to live in the present. By the way, I am such a fan of the Buddhist Society of Western Australia on YouTube. Ajahn Brahm is such a delight to watch, even for someone who is religiously uncertain (i.e. me). Go here if you’d like to see what I mean. The meditations also helped me relax enough to sleep, so that might be a bonus for any insomniacs who have discovered my blog.
The more concise version of what I was trying to get at is probably this: We all become victims. It’s your choice as to how you handle it.
For the record, I am not saying that victims need to ignore what happened. Quite the opposite. Acknowledge your victimhood, pull it close to your heart, and figure out how to make it part of the life you are weaving.