Beartooth. I discovered them a couple months ago when I was aimlessly clicking on videos on YouTube, and I fell in love. Why is it so easy for me to fall in love with songs and men who seem to stop wanting me at some point? The song part is fine by me, but the men part needs to get the hell out of my way.
Yesterday, I had to work with him. He was nice. I mean, it was strained, and I could tell he had zero interest in trying to get back to being friendly with me. However, he wasn’t treating me like garbage. I’m going to say my letter was a win, then. I know he likely won’t ever admit how he was a fuck-up with our friendship, too, but at least he isn’t being an asshole anymore.
Of course, I did tell him that I’ve been taking the second cousin with cancer thing hard. So maybe the guy has some semblance of a soul, after all. Why be a dick to someone who is having a rough time, you know? There could be hope for him as a human being. I mean, fuck us ever having an actual friendly relationship again… because I’m not sure I can handle his continual hot and cold shit.
I say that now, but part of me worries that the minute he gets sweet to me, again, that idea won’t stick. It happened before; when things get good, I’m back to being putty in his hands. He can mold me and shape me any way he pleases. No matter how unhealthy things get between us, I fall easily into the trap of being “his.” I’m not his; he has proved time and again that he doesn’t deserve me. Old habits really die hard.
I’m pretty sure today is one of those days where it feels like it has lasted way too long. The weather is wonderful, and it is amazing to have my windows open in the middle of April. It’s also something like heaven to be able to wear a tank top and shorts and not feel under dressed for the weather outdoors.
On the other hand, it is only 6:30 p.m. and I am exhausted. I don’t know if it’s the abundance of outdoor air or the fact that I only managed about 4 hours of sleep. It certainly could be both factors, but either way, I think I will sleep easy tonight. Thankfully, I don’t have work tomorrow; the store is closed for Easter Sunday, so I don’t have to worry about an alarm. Why does that get increasingly wonderful as we age?
In spite of being exhausted, I have a desire to give myself a home spa night. I like putting on my face mask, soaking my feet in a tub of water with a glorious mix of bath oils and salts. Water is particularly soothing to me, and I frequently gravitate towards having its presence when I want to find my way to a calmer state of being. Even when I was small, I could spend hours in the bathtub. I cannot explain why I feel such an intense connection to water, but I really do. It is the force of nature that I respect most.
Well, now that I’ve put the idea of a spa night into my head, I think I am going to have to partake in that.