I’m hijacking the blog today to write a note. We’ve talked about him, within my perspective of pain and frustration. But today, I wanted to write this in the way I would write a letter to him.
To him (you know who you are if you are reading this),
You thought of me as a liar, and trusted the words of other people over my own. You never asked me to clarify my position or gave me the benefit of the doubt. Instead, I guess you were looking for an excuse to kick me out of your life, so you took the out the first chance you got.
If you had come to me, I would’ve apologized, because I always explained “us” as a “sort of thing.” “We sort of dated,” I would say. I was candid about how someday, if the situation were different, I hoped we would give it a real shot. It’s funny how “sort of” gets removed from the equation as things work their way around.
I wasn’t aware that you could kiss a person and have them mean nothing to you. To me, kissing isn’t something you do with a friend. You kiss someone you are dating, even if it is casual, and you aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend… which, to clarify, I knew we never were. If you saw it differently, then that was a conversation we should’ve had.
Also, remember that first time you said you didn’t want to hang out anymore? You were the one who made it an “us.” I said that I liked you and I hoped you liked me. That we could just see where it goes. My opinion never once veered from that. The door was open for you, whenever you were ready, and I was willing to wait.
Instead, you kept finding reasons to push me away. You say it’s because of someone who did the same to you. That isn’t a justification; that’s an excuse. You tell me to stop “trying to change you” every time I say you don’t have to be a certain way. Telling you that you don’t have to be an asshole is not forcing you to change. It’s a reminder that you have an option. Just because you don’t want to see the option doesn’t mean that it disappears.
Furthermore, we have to talk about that night. I get that men are capable of wanting a woman when drunk and not wanting her when sober. You’re wired differently than me, and that is totally fine. But… you called me “baby” in a way that made me think that drunk you didn’t intend for this to be one quick little thing. You said you didn’t want to let go, that I was yours, and you definitely invited me to a hotel room the next day. Why would you do those things if your original intent was to cut me off after a weekend?
Part of me thinks you cut me off because you don’t want to disappoint me. Because you know you’re a broken, arrogant bastard who could end up like his father. I also think you’re complacent in your rut. You like the pain of being a sad, broken man who wishes for death to take him away.
You hate me because I want better for you; you get angry because I am “trying” or “forcing” you to change. Sometimes I want to laugh at you for that, because my “force” is telling you that you don’t have to be that way. Offering you another option isn’t force; you’re getting mad at me because you know that I’m right, but you don’t want to vacate the comfort of your rut.
Maybe you’re scared of me. I’m real, I’m not afraid of you, and I love you. Me, a woman with my own problems and demons… a woman who is warm like sunshine and intense like a hurricane. I see your demons, and I’ve refused to run from them.
Well, until you chose emotional abuse. Even I’m not strong enough to withstand the silent treatment. I wish you would’ve hit me instead. When you’re hit, that pain goes away. Emotional pain lasts, and you cut me deep. I really wish you hadn’t done that, because now I stand at a point where I am not sure I can ever forgive you.
Take care of yourself,
Yeah, that’s about it. I was reading how letters can be a sort of cathartic release, even if you never send them. He wouldn’t accept it from me, anyway, so I figured I would do it this way. It’s kind of the same thing… sort of, ha ha.
Is it bad I’m not sure I can forgive him… or was his use of the silent treatment unforgivable? I don’t want to be the weak person who forgives him for that… ever. But then, am I harboring a hatred that is only going to fester inside me and make me worse than I am?
These are some of the things I am still battling with this. I guess it’s not easy to give up on someone you love… even when you hate them for what they did to you.