I did something I haven’t in a while last night. My brother and I randomly started talking about ice cream at about 6 P.M. Finally, I went, “If I drive to the store, do you want to come with me?” At 7:30 P.M., we went out, in our lazy clothes, and bought ourselves a pint of Ben & Jerry’s each.
Was it a healthy decision to go with my healthier lifestyle? Definitely not. I think it was absolutely necessary to do, though. Sometimes, you have to get up and do something, and that is just what we did.
Today is a day off from job that sort of pays the bills. It’s nice to get away from some of those people. Some of them are definitely the real life equivalent of Dementors in Harry Potter, and it is exhausting to have them sucking up all my positive energy with their bull shit and negativity stinking up the place. Days off allow me to recharge and find the good in the world, like blogging without a time limit.
I keep looking at the weight machines at the gym. There’s a part of me super tempted to try them. I’m sort of self-conscious because
- I have no freakin’ idea how to use them. Sure, we had weight machines in high school gym class, but that was already over a decade ago for me. I didn’t retain that crap!
- I don’t want my ineptness getting in the way of someone’s workout. They could fucking go around me, sure, but I still don’t like being in the way.
Haha, shift+tab for the win! I was just going, “There’s an easy to back out of this list thing!” I found it!
Anyway, back to the weight machines. My gym offers free personal training session-type stuff. I could take advantage of that, but I guess I’m nervous because out of shape and all that. I want to be challenged, but sort of at my own, “ease into it” sort of pace. It would be good for me to learn how to use those damn machines, though.
This morning, while I walked on the treadmill and tried not to dance to Britney Spears, I started thinking about what my goal is. Why am I going to the gym? What is my aim? Do I want to be skinny for the first time in over two decades? Do I want my former friend to be drooling when he sees how ridiculously sex worthy I am? If that is part of it, is that necessarily a terrible goal?
So here’s what I’ve come up with. This is mostly a me project. I don’t need to be super thin, and I don’t need to be perfectly toned. I want to be able to run and jump and play, which I sort of established yesterday with the whole “being healthy for the future husband and kids” thing. Yet, there’s an element of, “I want to look at myself and go, ‘Bitch, you are stunning.'”
It’s not that I’m not pretty, now. I have a certain attractiveness to me. But I want to look at that body I worked hard for and go, “Look at what you achieved. You can’t hate yourself for doing this.”
Also, I do want to rub that “friend’s” face in it. Does it make me petty? A little, but it’s a revenge that helps me. I think it’s ok to want to do that a little, especially if you’re doing it in a constructive manner. I’m not going to purposely show up everywhere he goes and make him stare at me with his jaw on the floor. But I do deserve to feel the kind of attractive that makes him squirm a little when he looks at me. Maybe that’s the difference. Deep down, it’s still for me.