I was asked a very interesting question yesterday evening.
“Do you care when I tell you true things about me?”
I won’t admit it to him, but it got me thinking. Do I care? I’d love to say yes, of course… But do I act like it? That might be the trickier thing to answer. Sometimes, you can be a nice person and still be an asshole by being nice. Omitting the facts, not being responsive, or only responding to the things that make you comfortable, those are ways that you can be an asshole.
Does that mean I feel you should be responsive, even if you don’t feel like it or don’t know what to say? Of course not, but maybe it’s better to be honest and tell someone, “I don’t always know how to respond,” rather than making them believe you are some cold prick who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but yourself.
Ultimately, that was what I told him. It was never about me not giving a shit so much as not knowing how to respond. He likely needs someone who won’t be as emotionally unavailable as I am, so maybe it is good that this is coming out now rather than later when it could lead to bigger issues.
I used to be the kind of person who was just nice, but was honest. If I wasn’t sure what to say, I said it up front. Something changed, and I stopped being so forthcoming. Part of me stopped caring… or maybe part of me is trying to stop the hurt that comes with caring so damn much. It is likely the latter more than the former. Let’s face it; people make it so fucking hard to care for them, and eventually, you get so jaded that you sort of cast everyone out in the process.
A year ago today, I was about to join someone in a hotel room that I had been dying to be with for years. I never knew that was going to be the point where our friendship started dissolving. Looking back, though, I can see it so clearly. Sex always complicates a relationship, especially when one of you is so sure that you go together and the other is unsure of every damn thing in his life. I’m hoping that is why I’ve been thinking about him so much, and that means it is only going to get easier from here.
I’m starting to withdraw from the dating site a bit. I might have to eat the cost of the mistake… or maybe I will be ready in about 3 months. It’s hard to say. Somehow, the subscription reactivated, which pissed me off a little. I’ll definitely be cancelling in September based on that asshole move. This crap is overrated. Sure, my friend met her husband through a dating site, but maybe that isn’t the way I’m going to meet the future Mr. Recovering Pessimist, ha ha.
Speaking of recovering pessimists, I can tell I’m in recovery because I am getting tired of the same people at work. They constantly cut down other employees, because they’re “model employees” as they stand around and complain about everyone else. It is astounding that they don’t realize that their attitude feeds into the problem, that they make the workplace worse by being so condescending, rude, and negative.
Are they victims of a system that doesn’t care for them? Probably, but that doesn’t mean that they are helping by continually playing the “poor me” card. The world has bigger fish to fry, and sometimes, you have to put your energy into things that actually deserve your time. One of these days, though, I swear I am just going to start shouting, “Oh my God! Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!” That will probably just cause them to complain about me, but at least I will feel better.
The weather is cooperating, today. It’s a nice, mild day here. I wish there was a little more sunshine, but I will gladly take this without the abundance of sunshine, too!
Oh and second positive: I was over 220 lbs, which is a lot for someone my size. This morning, I came in at 219… so that’s something moving in the right direction for me! I have a long way to go to get to a much healthier weight for my height. I am 5’4″, so I should probably weigh a good 80-100 pounds less than I do. It’s still nice to see progress, though, and I am more than happy to take it.
I’m also debating buying a goal bikini… like “Hey, look at this sexy thing you can put on when you get to where you want to be.” I just don’t know if that would be encouraging or discouraging.
That’s about it. This is actually slightly longer than my usual 600-750 range, so I think I will cut it off before I get too verbose for you people. Enjoy your day, wherever you are and whenever it is.
Keep on truckin’ and don’t let the pessimists bite.