I had to cut my workout short today, because I was tired. Not like, “Oh, push your lazy ass through this” tired. It was more the, “Dude, slow it down or you’re going to make yourself pass out” tired. Fatigue is probably the proper word for it.
Either way, I was holding back today. It kind of made me mad at myself, because, like I’ve said, I want to be a super awesome bad-ass. So, instead of taking the proper approach, and because I don’t listen to Billy Joel when he says things like, “Vienna waits for you,” I practically try to kill myself in the process of getting to Vienna in 25 minutes when it should probably take me several hours. So, here I am: everything hurts and I want to sleep for about a month.
I keep debating going to the gym tomorrow morning, just to see what it is like super early on a Saturday. I’m pretty sure I will hate it, because I tend to hate being around people these days. Maybe there won’t be a lot of early risers for the gym if I go before 8 A.M. I can hope that’s the case, at least.
I’m getting really interested in self-care, since I’ve been trying to get outside the idea that selfishness and self-care are the same thing. I stumbled upon this beauty while trying to understand exactly what self-care is. After reading this article, I realize I am engaging in self-care, and doing a pretty damn good job of it.
It’s that ability to distinguish between self-care and self-indulgence that makes self-care seem like a dirty, selfish concept. Of course, I shouldn’t see some self-indulgence as a dirty, selfish thing either. There is nothing wrong with wanting to soak my feet in a tub of hot water that is loaded with bath salts and oils and other things to make my feet feel nice and pretty.
Oh and chocolate covered espresso beans… which I totally am eating as I write this. Although, I think I should call them “self-care for my fatigue.” I mean, I am feeling a little more alert now that I’ve probably had about two dozen more than I should’ve. Worth it.
A particular part jumped out at me from that article, and, in case you don’t want to read the whole thing, I am going to copy and paste that now:
A common mistake in romantic relationships is depending on a partner to soothe our pain. Most of us get married, in part, because we want someone other than mother to calm our fears and offer us band-aids. Of course, it is never a mistake to seek comfort in the sweet embrace or wise words of a spouse. The mistake is believing that a spouse is obligated to be an open tap of emotional support. It is also not a spouse’s role to teach us how to self-soothe. We must learn this skill on our own.*
I know I’ve always been fucking swept up in the idea that my partner is supposed to be my security blanket, when in reality, I need to be my own. Does that mean a lot of the men I dated get a free pass on being emotionally unavailable? Hell no. They were still guilty in those moments when I decided that they were being total douche-canoes. I’m now just admitting that maybe I could’ve done more to balance the scale.
* From the article “Self Care in a Toxic World” by Christine Meinecke Ph.D., which I accessed here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/everybody-marries-the-wrong-person/201006/self-care-in-toxic-world. This article is also linked above, if you want to go there to access it, too.