Drawing Lines with My Intimidating Brain

Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m so much fucking later than usual on my blog. For a lot of people, it’s practically tomorrow. Lucky for me, I live in one of the last time zones to go through a day, so I have a whole 4 1/2 hours before I could’ve considered myself a failure on my daily blogging.

Thursdays are grocery days here in the Kelseytell household. I also worked my “at least it pays the bills” job for about 6 1/2 hours, so I guess a good chunk of my day went to that. The nice thing about a day like today is when you finally get the chance to sit your ass down, you are going, “Oh, sweet baby Jesus, this feels phenomenal!” Or maybe that part just comes with getting older in general.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I sort of arranged to meet one of the online dating guys. I say sort of because we merely picked a day and said we should meet. Now, I’m trying to be totally fucking cool and spontaneous about this… but I’m totally not cool, or spontaneous in this realm. If you invite me to do something, you damn well better have an idea of what we are going to do before we get there.

Also, I’m getting cold feet. I keep thinking that maybe I am jumping in to things too fast, even if I haven’t been in a relationship since maybe September of 2015. God, has it really been that long? Friend doesn’t count, even though he got this idea that I totally count him. “Sort of dated” must get confused in people’s heads as “in a relationship.” Fucking people, I swear. Can’t tell the bastards anything.

Part of me is nervous that I might intimidate him. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for being intelligent, but there are moments that that is exactly how I feel. I’m a feminist, and if another woman told me she was feeling bad about intimidating a man, I’d say, “Don’t fuck with any man that would make you feel bad for being a really smart lady.”

Why does it become so difficult to apply advice to yourself? Plus, I don’t know how he would feel about me being smart. Maybe he is totally into the brainy girl, and not at all intimidated by a woman who once scored a 164 on an IQ test.

I feel like I’m focusing a lot on relationships, lately. Actually, I’ve been focusing a lot on relationships since I was 14. I know it’s natural to want to be with people, because humans are innately social beings, but I also recognize that there is and should be more to life than who makes me all fucking googly eyed and sparkly.

Truthfully, I’m sort of afraid to focus on me, like somehow, if I do that, it’ll make me a selfish human being. I don’t want to be selfish. When I was a kid, my dad made me write a story about being selfish. I don’t remember what I did that made me selfish, but I do remember that I actually hated writing stories for a while after that. Clearly the wrong lesson was taught with that one.

I know there’s a distinction between self-care and selfishness. That’s a line I need to learn to properly draw.

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