Blasphemous Crackers with a Side of Crazies

I hope you like my titles, because I have so much fun creating them.

So I kept on the online dating thing. I’m still not sure I am ready, but I paid for 6 months, so I figure the least I can do is give it the 6 months to see if I meet someone incredible… or at least doesn’t make me want to run them over with my SUV. Yes, like the typical American who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about the future of humanity, I drive an SUV. Although, for me, it was about the cargo space and the fact that I live in a society that gives zero fucks about expanded public transportation. Since it snows enough here in northern Illinois, I like my big, heavy car that makes me slightly less terrified to die on the road.

Currently, there are three men that I am sort of leaning towards. Two of them are older than me, at 36 and 35 (although that one is going to be 36 by the 15th of this month). The third one is almost two years younger than me, and I am not entirely sure when he turns 30. He did tease me for being an “old woman.” I felt weird, because that’s normally my job in the relationship, and I’m not sure I like giving up my job to be the “more mature” one. The oldest one makes me feel the strongest connection, but the youngest one really makes me want to give him a chance.

The weird thing is, I feel weird cutting them off if I decide to pick one. I mean, am I allowed to continue to talking to all of them until I decide that one is going to be something serious and meaningful? Does that veer on cheating if I do continue a conversation with a man, knowing the intent could be to start a relationship and leave the other two in the dust? I usually seem to repel men, so this is a bit weird for me. Maybe I have a chance at repelling at least 2 of them, since they barely know me and I’m still playing that aloof, cool girl.

That’s the thing; I am so comfortable flirting. I have very few qualms about being myself when I am trying to attract someone. It’s when things start to get comfortable and I start worrying about how they’re going to handle the “real” me that makes me nervous. So far, I’ve trusted the man who turned out to be selfish and arrogant, and deterred the men who were genuinely interested in getting through those layers one by one. I don’t want to hurt these men, but I am so afraid that I am going to end up hurting all of them because they are interested in a fucking ticking time bomb of crazy.

I do still worry I am pushing myself too hard to make too many changes, and that I am going to come to a point where my system is going to get so overloaded that I will break down. Also, am I doing this for me or am I doing it to rub it in his face? I don’t know the self-improvement for the sake of revenge is a good idea, and I do not want to be the person who wakes up and realizes that I am still not happy because I continue to live my life for someone who forfeited his right to be in it.

That also brings another question to mind: Deep down… Do I still love him?

Yes.

…Even though he’s an asshole that completely lacerated my heart and basically put me through emotional hell?

Yes.

Well, fuck. That wasn’t supposed to be that easy.

Can you love someone, move onto someone else, and learn to love them, too? Maybe that’s the question I need to focus on answering for myself.

Totally weird observation, but sometimes, when I write these, I feel vaguely like Carrie Bradshaw, and this friend is my Mr. Big. Then I think about how I would tell Carrie that she needs to let the fucker go, and make things work with the man that will actually not take advantage of the fact that he can rely on her to be his faithful puppy dog lover. I think I finally understand why it’s hard to let go of Mr. Big. You really can’t help who you love, even when they are a self-serving asshole who constantly pushes you away and makes you want to strangle them from time to time.

Shit. Did I just make a connection between my life and Sex and the City? Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker! Sorry, Christianity. You probably don’t like me saying things like that. I’m in shock that I took a show that I would never consider immensely cerebral and made it deeply relevant to my personal experience. I think that allows me some poor rhetorical judgment. You can shun me for blasphemy later.

I’ve also been thinking about the concept of “dating yourself,” which I think is going to be my topic for tomorrow.  My whole blog is supposed to be about finding my way to optimism and an all-around better quality of life, and I think I am really doing my best to get there, even when I sometimes read back and went to chastise myself for feeling a little like a teenager in these posts. It’s ok because I’m growing up… well, sort of… haha.

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