I’m in a bluegrass mood. Someone in my Facebook friends posted about a group called The Dead South. I previewed their album “Good Company” and got about halfway through the previews before I realized I needed this album to live. There’s something modern and intriguing about their bluegrass, and needless to say, I am in love. If you are a fan of bluegrass with a twist, I recommend it. So good!
People are so good at keeping their habits. I was at the gym after work, at 11:30 AM… ish… which I’ve done for the second time, now. I discovered I saw quite a few of the same people. I’m guessing they’re regulars. One is this relatively tall, skinny woman in glasses. She intrigues me, and I’m not sure why. Sometimes I look at people, and I just sense that they could be interesting. Is that weird? It’s probably weird.
Anyway, it got me thinking about my own habits. When I go to this gym, I go for the 90-something lockers in the gym, always a top locker… Although, lets be honest… Who willingly goes for a bottom locker? We like convenience as humans, and top lockers are the superior when it comes to locker height.
Random return to the Dead South… I just thought of who they sound like… and it’s not a bluegrass band. Of course, I instantly forgot it. That actually makes these sentences really fucking useless, but I am going to keep them for the hell of it. Quirks are the best part of being human.
I’ve had a lot of memories from 5 years ago on Facebook, and I cannot believe what a rough time I was having at 26. It was a weird year, though. My best friend from elementary died completely out of the blue from a brain aneurysm. Ironically, one of the people I learned was a fairly good shoulder to lean on is a person I now have a very strained relationship with. Funny how life throws curves like that. You never know who is going to still be around in 5 years.
I actually blatantly ignored him today. Every time I had to walk past him, I made sure to completely ignore him. There was nothing mature about it. I literally made sure to purposely avert my eyes from him because I wanted him to know that I have no desire to even look at him. Funny how I attacked him for being emotionally abusive through the silent treatment, and here I am, now administering the same cruel, bordering on emotionally abusive tactics in return.
But how do you deal with a person that has hurt you so bad that you can’t even look them in the eye? How do you get that courage to look them in the eye when you know that the minute you have to, it’s going to take your body and violently turn it inside out? I don’t know how to be that kind of brave.
Plus, I don’t want him to believe he was right in treating me like garbage. That it was ok to reduce me to nothing. I don’t kiss someone and have it mean nothing, but I guess that’s why it’s different for women. Heterosexual men, if you read this, NEVER kiss a girl who means nothing to you unless you know that you mean nothing to her. You’re just asking for trouble. I feel like I should have some sort of fucking PSA banner after that shit.
Eventually, I know I will be able to stop dwelling on this. It will hurt less and less, until I can go for days without thinking about him. I won’t get angry about the fact that his selfishness gets plagued upon this Earth while someone completely undeserving gets to teeter extra precariously along the line between life and death.
I will learn how to forgive him for treating me a way I really didn’t deserve, no matter how hard he tries to justify it in his head. I deserved a much better friend, because even through all my wishes, desires, and emotions, I was a good friend. I cannot doubt myself simply because he isn’t man enough to actually figure shit out with me.
Second PSA… Heterosexual men… Be fucking men. Talk to us. I know it’s hard, but when you don’t talk, you make us heterosexual women fucking bat-shit crazy. Tell us you need space when you need space. If you jackasses who don’t know how to do this can’t figure it out, then you are never going to find the sane side of us.
The heterosexual men who can do this… remember that sometimes, when we’re crazy, there’s a chance that us heterosexual women have had an experience just like this, and it makes us so much worse for you. Just be patient with us. We will figure our shit out if you love us enough.
That’s what it boils down to… If you love someone enough, through the crazy and the bullshit and everything else, you will find the part of that person worth loving. See? Sometimes, I can be fucking sentimental and shit like that.