I thought I would start with this story, because I like a good, fun story. Like I said the other day, I joined a dating site. Now, I tend to date older, although I’ve been debating making a very serious exception for a guy that is currently 29 for the sheer fact that he seems like he could be just my type. But that’s not the story… This story is about a 26 year old. He seems like a nice young man, but he is energetic, eager, and I’m like, “Oh buddy, I am neither of those things.” The use of “old is gold” also sort of made me cringe.
I probably shouldn’t have continued to message him, but I was entertained. I wanted to see what this young guy had to say next. I think he plans on training me to run marathons. Maybe if there’s cake. I felt like an asshole, but I definitely messaging a friend of mine on Facebook the entire time. We might’ve even made a joke about him talking in memes. Maybe I am getting old.
Why is internet dating so weird? Seriously, why can’t I just have some random dude ask me out while he is helping me get my car fixed? That’s how I managed to get one of my boyfriends. Work is not an option, after the Great Jackass (Yeah, I work with him, too. I seriously couldn’t have picked a better situation for myself). Plus, I don’t need another version of the real life Ash from Pokemon, because all the men are so damn young at work these days.
There is another guy. He is older, very intriguing, wants to be a vet tech. To me, it feels like he likes to go out a bit, and well, I am a bit of a homebody. Sure, I like to go out, but by 9 pm, I am going, “God, I still have a bra on? This sucks!” Give me my couch, Netflix, and a 9:30 bedtime. I accept being old like a fucking half-assed badge of honor.
Inadvertently, as I was telling this older guy about an ex of mine, who spent his early childhood constantly in hospitals. He had leukemia. He ended up in remission thanks to his older sister being a donor match and being willing to give some of her bone marrow to her little brother. And I always felt so selfish because I was afraid to go further with him. All I could think was, “What if I don’t have the right genetic makeup to be sure that our kids don’t have to go through what he went through?”
I never told him that truth, and now, I am wondering if I am always going to second guess a relationship with a man that is in and out of hospitals… just for the sheer fact that I am afraid that I am not strong enough to handle that with my own children. There’s probably an element of “What if I am not enough?” to it, but that idea scares the hell out of me. It’s probably a little weird to think of people who aren’t even here, too, but I am going to leave that element of crazy out of the equation.
Is it weird to think about things like that? Does that make me selfish to reconsider a man simply because of his physical health history? I do the same thing with mental health (although there is one huge, blaring exception to that rule). It’s like I am so picky in ways that I will run at the faults… because they’re not him. Yet, I hate him. Life likes to be complicated like that.
Sometimes, I really think therapy would do me so much good, because I might be beyond help on my own. At least I can appreciate the coincidence of having Gnarls Barkley’s song “Crazy” stuck in my head.
Thanks for reading. Day 10 is clearly a heavy one. Also, I think it’s the longest one yet.