My cousin… well, 2nd cousin (I think? He’s my grandmother’s brother’s son and my mom’s first cousin)… has cancer. It’s a rare one, and they don’t expect him to live more than probably 3-6 months. His 30th birthday is tomorrow, and it breaks my heart. He’s such a good man; he’s a doctor, and he was having rather frequent fevers. Who knew fevers could be a sign of cancer?
Part of me wants to be mad about it. If anyone doesn’t deserve to die so young, it’s him. He is such a good person, and he truly tries to live life to the fullest. A bitter, angry part of me thinks about how my former friend squanders his life. It’s like he doesn’t care that life is such a precious gift, so he gets to live but my cousin gets to die. How fucked up is this world that we live in? Moments like that make me question the justice of the universe. It’s like God purposely wants you to question what the fucking hell is going on.
Then, there is the other part of me that goes, “He got to live, even in such a small number of years. You shouldn’t be bitter about that. Figure out how to honor the way a young man was able to put so much into such a small amount of time.”
Oddly enough, it made me do two things today. I went to the gym after work, partially because I needed to have that release of my frustration. Apparently, exercise is sort of great for that (Yes, that was a statement of the obvious). Also, it made me realize I shouldn’t regret jumping right into a dating site after my whole debacle that part of me is still so irritated about.
However, maybe that is exactly why I’m ready. Normally, I am a sad, sobbing mess when someone breaks my heart. I’m not this time. He killed all those good, romantic feelings I had for him what feels like so long ago. It’s like I realized he didn’t deserve me, because if he did, he would fight like hell to keep me. Instead, he fought like hell to keep me out. I don’t want a man to keep me out. I don’t want a man who doesn’t respect me, who knows I can be infuriating but still couldn’t imagine his life without my sass, my stubbornness, my humor, and my ability to just keep trucking along in life. It likely also helps that I am not expecting some instant connection, but I would like to have the chance to get to know some men and see where it leads.
I noticed I seem to always manage to have entries that are around the same length when I cut them off, because I am about ready to cut this entry off here. Weird how that manages to work out. I’m such a creature of habit that my entries are all about the same length without trying. Since I didn’t swear a lot, I am going to end this: that’s fucking crazy.