I normally don’t talk about my downfalls with other people. It’s not about me being cognizant of them; in fact, I am constantly super cognizant of my own failures and faults. However, unless I can joke about them, I would rather not have someone rub them in my face (being highly sensitive can sometimes be one of those faults).
Actually, I can give you one really fucking beautiful example. I am super self-conscious about sucking at things. If I’m not instantly talented at something, I give up. Yes, I am aware you get good at things when you practice, and dedication to improvement actually leads to improvement. Instead, my chicken shit ass goes, “Nope. Can’t do it because people will point out how I suck, make fun of me for my failures, and then I will hate myself more than I already do.”
Anyway, the actual example is the gym that I briefly mentioned yesterday. You know, the one I ditched for Oreo gluttony (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, look at the entry before this. The title had something to do with being a competitive Oreo eater. Yeah, I don’t even remember my own titles on my own blog). Well, I joined online 5 days ago, and I have yet to walk in because I’m super self-conscious. Should I give a fuck what people think and do something to improve myself? Absolutely. But I don’t because I let invisible opinions impact me.
Sometimes I think it is almost worse that I am fully aware that I shouldn’t give a fuck what people think, but still do. It’s like I need some sort of step-by-step guide to say, “Yo, bitch… here’s how you stop giving a fuck instead of continuing to say you don’t when you really do.” The title probably needs some work, but you get the idea.
I actually titled this entry at this point of my writing, because I realized that it all boils down to one thing: I give a fuck about the “ifs” in life. If someone is thinking shitty thoughts about my fat ass bounding on the treadmill in a public setting. If I cannot improve with practice. If I suck at things. For such a small word, “if” has a big impact on my life.
How necessary is it to live by the “ifs”? “Ifs” deal with the future or the past, things I haven’t even done yet or things that I did and cannot undo at this point. Why should I give a fuck about the future or the past in that way? They are not in my control, and they aren’t ever really going to be in my control.
Basically, don’t put your life in the hands of everything but yourself. You may not have control over how you got here or how you leave, but every other moment is something you at least have some control over.
Hey, that was actually some non-pessimistic shit. Yay me!