I am writing this on Sunday mid-morning here in “not-at-all” sunny Illinois. It’s been raining on and off all morning.
Oh, and it’s an Adele kind of day. Somehow, rain and Adele fit really well together. Maybe it’s that powerful ballad/rain complement each other sort of thing. I really don’t know, but that sounds like a great explanation to me, so I am going to keep it.
Yesterday was one of my close friend’s birthdays, and for me, that was sort of bittersweet. Right now, he’s not really a friend. We haven’t really spoken all too much in about 6 weeks. It might be 7 now; I sort of lost count because I didn’t want to continue to dwell on it.
The easiest way to put it is that we both unraveled the relationship in our own way. I had a chip on my shoulder because deep down, I wanted a real chance at being more than friends, and I constantly felt like he was jumping to the “it’s not going to work” conclusion before we really had the opportunity to get beyond that slightly awkward adjustment period. Of course, I certainly enjoy being friends with him, because he truly is an amazing friend.
This chip worked its way out in the form of jealousy. We work together, and they hired a girl who is about 10 years younger than me. She is a nice, nerdy girl who still has that passion that you only seem to have when you are still in your early 20’s. He seemed to like her, not in a romantic way, but in a friendly coworker sort of way. Our relationship was faltering a bit, not in a bordering failure way, but that closeness felt like it was waning. That, combined with the chip on my shoulder from rejection, created jealousy of this girl. She was “taking” my male friend, and I didn’t like it.
I started getting cold to her, pulling back from him, and in general being pouty. He rightfully called me out on being pouty one day, but he didn’t actually have the right reasoning behind it.
When I finally confessed the reason, he started ignoring me. I’ve always wondered why we choose the silent treatment as a way to express our feelings… or not express them in some cases. It is truly the worst fucking tactic when you think about how hurtful the silent treatment is. I’ve been reading articles (like this one) where they talk about how damaging this can be to the victim of your cold shoulder. That made me feel more threatened, and I got clingy. Texting him like crazy, trying too hard, buying him a birthday present. I wanted so desperately to make him like me again so that I didn’t have to feel so ostracized by his actions.
Well, a few days ago, I woke up. I deleted his number, and I sent him a message that admitted how I felt threatened, how afraid I was to lose him, and how that meant that I needed to pull away. It felt like I completely broke my already damaged heart.
I would be lying if I didn’t admit that he inspired “Adventures of a Recovering Pessimist” in some way. He was part of my epiphany, the realization of how broken down I was, and how desperately I needed to fix my battered, broken soul. Sometimes you need something to shatter in order to realize how twisted, lost, and fucked up you have become.
In a fucked up way, I have to thank him one day. He doesn’t know what kind of badassery he started. Yes, spell check, I am fully aware badassery isn’t an actual word. Maybe I should get Webster or the Oxford Dictionary on the case.
Link above courtesy of Purdue University, 2005. It may be older, but the research is still worthwhile. Google is your friend if you want to learn more.
However, if you want some scholarly article shit, this research report from the University of Toronto will be a good read for you to get your cerebral fix. Honestly, it is one of the more fascinating psychological experiment synopses I’ve read (Of course, I am deeply fascinated by psychology): http://rady.ucsd.edu/faculty/seminars/2009/papers/zhong-cold.pdf